‘You haven’t made me uncomfortable.’ I hooked my finger into the tear at his knee and tugged. ‘Sit down and let me explain.’
A moment of dithery indecision, during which I wondered if I lost sight of Callum now whether he would disappear into the wilderness forever, before he sank onto the blanket.
‘Sorry for blurting that out,’ I began. ‘It was tactless.’
‘It’s my fault.’ Callum face remained a blank slate. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’
He hunched around himself, like his broad back would act as protective armour against any other stupid and thoughtless thing I might say.
‘Cal, I’m glad you like me.’ I hoped the lovesickness I’d been struck with since the moment I’d met him—or at least the moment he’d stopped avoiding me and started acting like a normal human being—didn’t bleed too heavily into my voice. ‘I’m glad you told me.’
Callum’s expression grew slightly less guarded. ‘Why did you say it caused a problem?’
I scrunched my face. ‘Because of me. Not you, me. There’s something wrong with me when it comes to romantic-type stuff.’
Callum straightened, frowning. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’
I loved that this big, strong guy was on my side, ready to defend me against anything. Even myself. But that only made revealing my defectitude much harder.
‘Maybe don’t pass judgement until I tell you my sad story.’ I cringed. ‘Not actually sad. Or not the boohoo kind. More like, Aster-is-a-loser type of sad.’
More impressive frowning. ‘You’re not a loser, Aster.’
‘Again, reserve judgement until the end please.’
I took a breath before I carried on. I could provide abundant reasoning to stop now. Callum said he liked me. If I didn’t lay out my pathetic dating history, then he might indulge in a few sexy times with me before I left Doughnut.
But I didn’t want to withhold this. A month ago, I’d sprinted at full speed away from my normal life so that I didn’t have to face the pity-filled glances from everyone who knew I’d been dumped yet again. Callum had helped me heal, to feel like less of a tragic mess, but that didn’t mean my history had disappeared. It didn’t mean my track record with affairs of the heart was any less torn and stained.
And Callum had been honest with me. I’d witnessed up close how god-awful it was for him to talk about his family, but he’d done it. He deserved the truth, even if it changed his opinion about me and made catching a glimpse of any more of his toned skin much less likely.
‘Okay. So. Let’s do this.’ I nodded, bobbing my wholeupper body as I prepared to bare my most tragic and embarrassing experiences. ‘It all started on the first day of sixth form college when I fell in love with Kimberley.’
Ah, Kimberley. Wavy brown hair, impeccable dress sense apparent even though she wore the same terrible uniform we were all forced to don, an attitude that made the cockiest of guys shrivel in her presence. I wanted to bask in her glory, to absorb the radiant light sparking around her. Oh, and bone her. I definitely wanted to bone her.
‘A classic love story, if the eighties romcoms you’ve probably not watched are to be believed.’ Perhaps I could tell my whole sad history like it happened to someone else, and so avoid submerging myself in the emotional wreckage of my horrendous break-ups. ‘Geek falls in love with beautiful, popular girl. Popular girl spends a year not noticing him until one day, she does. She invites him to a party after they finish their exams, and all of the boy’s dreams come true. They kiss. They more than kiss. And he thought they would live happily ever after.’
‘But you didn’t?’ Callum prompted, when I fell into a melancholic reverie for a little too long.
‘Nope.’ I darted a glance at him. He didn’t look too pitying yet. Give it time. ‘The next day I found out her friends had taken loads of pictures of us together. Not during the de-clothed section of our evening, but still. It was all a stunt to make her ex jealous.’
‘That’s horrible.’ Callum’s voice thrummed with righteous indignation on my behalf. I could have used more of that back then. Lukey had been all for beating Kimberley to a metaphorical pulp, but he’d had to settle for hugging me while I sobbed broken-heartedly into his Sonic pyjama-clad chest.
‘In her defence, she didn’t know I was a virgin who’d been madly in love with her for a year.’ I shrugged. ‘Kimberley apologised when Lucas shouted at her.’ I only wished he’d chosen a moment when fewer people were around to hear what an epic loser I was. ‘And so there ended my first tragic romantic endeavour.’
‘She didn’t deserve you,’ Callum growled. ‘She never should have done that, regardless of whether or not she knew about your feelings.’
‘Kids are cruel.’ I’d consoled myself with that mantra while I spent a year alone. As more time passed, I winced less every time I thought of my one and only sexual experience. I just wished Kimberley’s youthful cruelty hadn’t been designed to so carelessly crush me.
‘Anyway. A year later, I met Mark.’
Ah, Mark. Awakener of my bisexuality, owner of the sharpest wit, the guy I thought was a safe bet.
‘My first day at university, I spotted him across the room. Classically handsome, but I didn’t fall for him until he tore it out of our blatantly sexist lecturer. And this time it was different. He didn’t ignore me. The first party I went to, he walked straight over and asked me to dance. We immediately started dating.’
It was a whirlwind. Sex on tap, which was freaking amazing. Closeness and affection, which admittedly mainly came from me but was still a step up from being alone. A partner in crime, someone I thought would be on my side always.
‘We didn’t have a proper discussion about what being together meant.’ I rolled my shoulders, wishing my chest didn’t ache when I thought about Mark. ‘To me, it meant all the classic stuff. You’re there for each other through the good and bad times. You make an effort to keep intouch when you’re apart. You don’t bump uglies with anyone else.’ I swallowed. ‘Mark was down with some of that.’
