Max breaks off a bit of his pastry and gives it to Ghost, who eats it in one gulp.
“You’ll make him fat,” Cullen says mildly. “And if it gives him diarrhea, you’re cleaning it up.”
Max giggles and finishes off the pastry himself, then gets down to play with Ghost.
Cullen looks at me and obviously spots my emotion, because his expression softens. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks.
I nod and rub my nose. “I asked Stefan if there were any positions going here. Apparently they’ve just taken on two nurses, but I can go on the list for cover. I’m not sure that a part-time job will cut it, though.”
He frowns. “Money-wise, you mean?”
“Yeah. We’ll have to sell the house, but it’ll take time for the money to come through. I need a job.”
“You should have the house,” he says. “Any lawyer worth his salt would kick Rob out.”
“I don’t want to make him suffer. I don’t want to hate him, Cullen.”
“You’re… not thinking about going back to him?” His voice is hard, and it makes me bristle.
I glare at him. I want to say, ‘Of course not, but tell me what to do, then!’ Does he want me to gamble everything on the factthat he might stay? I can’t let him influence my decision. I need to put Max and myself first.
I don’t want to cry, but it feels impossible to hold it in. I guess it’s partly connected with Jack, but I’m ashamed to accept it’s mostly selfish. I like Cullen so much, and I don’t want him to go. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I thought it would be nice to be close to someone, and to share myself physically when it’s been so long, and it was, but I thought I could do it without involving my feelings, and that seems foolish now. It’s going to make it so much harder if and when he leaves.
And as for Max… it’s clear the two of them have formed a bond. Now, if Cullen walks away, poor Max will feel doubly abandoned. How stupid I’ve been.
“I’d better get back to work,” I say huskily. “Max, come on.”
Max looks at Cullen. “We’ve got work to do.”
“No,” I say firmly. “You can’t stay there all morning.”
“I don’t mind,” Cullen says. “He’s no problem.”
“Even so.” I hold out my hand, and obediently, Max rises and slides his hand into it. “I hope the rest of your morning goes well,” I say. Then, before I start crying, I head into the building, back toward the clinic.
Cullen watches me go, but he doesn’t say anything.
Max walks quietly beside me. Once we’re inside, he looks up at me and says, “Are you okay, Mummy?”
Oh God. I’m close to bawling my eyes out. “Come and sit with Frieda,” I tell him, and I take him into reception. There’s a small table near to where Frieda sits, and she’s already said she’ll keep an eye on him while I’m in and out of surgery.
I give him his jigsaw puzzle and a drink, then quickly excuse myself and run to the Ladies’. Once I’m in there, I lock myself in a cubicle, sit on the lid, and then burst into tears as all the emotion of the past few weeks comes rising to the surface like a piece of driftwood on the ocean.
Oh God. What am I going to do?
*
Cullen
I spend the next hour checking on and settling the dogs, then do a bit of paperwork in the office. Although the clinic is busy, the rest of the Ark is quiet. Jude will be in to relieve me at one o’clock, but the girls in the grooming station and most of the office staff are off until the New Year.
When I finish in the office, I pick up one of the umbrellas we keep by the door and head outside.
It’s raining lightly, but the clouds are already parting, and I think it’ll stop soon. With Ghost padding at my side, I set off toward the Petting Zoo, then turn right onto the circular walk that takes you around the paddocks and back to the Ark.
I walk fast, striding out and trying to burn off my anxiety. Isla was clearly upset, and I understand why. It’s an emotional day for her, and on top of that she has all the uncertainty of her future to deal with. My problems fade into nothing when compared with hers, and suddenly I feel ashamed when I think of how dramatic I’ve been, declaring I’m not going to stay, and traveling around the country without a care in the world. I’m lucky in that I have money, but not everyone is in my position. Most people have to stay in jobs or situations they don’t like, and they don’t have the luxury of making easy choices.
“Cullen!”
