‘Thanks.’ He smiled, squeezing my hand tight, I’d forgotten I still had it rest on him, slightly embarrassed I pulled it away. ‘Thanks for letting me be me, just for a moment. Whoever that is.’ His eyes focused on mine, ‘Can I tell you something else?’
‘Of course,’ I said, my eyes staying locked on his.
‘I’ve never told anyone these rampant thoughts that run through my mind.’ His voice broke, coughing to stop any tears. He took a deep breath. I could see him thinking, he was staring right at me, but his mind was somewhere else. I spun around to face him, sitting crossed legged and he turned to face me. He stared deeper into my eyes, resting his hands on my jawline and moving his gaze closer. He placed his hands either side of my face, softly against my cheeks. I felt my jaw unclench, and my shoulders relax. Our foreheads moved even closer together, almost touching. I was unsure whether he was going to kiss me. Instead, he dropped his hands from my face and rested them on my knees.
‘I think you do know who you are,’ I muttered under my breath, ‘I mean, surely, we all know deep down somewhere who we are?’
He smiled, looking up at me intently, his eyes dancing over my face as he tucked hair my hair gently behind my ear.
‘I think you’re right Emma. I think the sad thing is who we know ourselves to be, or how we show up in the world, doesn’t really seem to be the same as that feeling.’ He sighed as his voice drifted off. He sat up taller with a sudden burst of energy, squeezing it into my knees. His eyes drifting off into another place in his mind before letting out a close lipped smile. ‘If we’re lucky, we have an average of thirty thousand days that we will wake up on this earth. We’ve already lived a third of those days. So, what I do every day with the ones I have left, determine the legacy I leave beyond my time here. Art is something that can’t die, my music can live beyond my time here and that’s something that really fires me up. To create the best I can, while I can. I guess that’s what keeps me going, that’s why I do what I do,’ he said. He didn’t leave my gaze; I took in his every word. ‘Now is all we have, and there is nothing more for us once we’re dead. But with the time I have now, I can choose to enjoy every moment and jump on every opportunity. Give everyone that comes to a show, or listens to my music, an experience, and a memory they will never forget. But besides all that, I just freaking love it. If I wasn’t lucky enough to be able to make it my career, I would still do it for free,’ he said, I could feel his passion in every word.
His words ran down my spine like his fingers were stroking it. Full body tingles. I found nothing sexier than someone who was unapologetically themselves. He was so passionate. I could see in his eyes he gave his all to everything he truly wanted to create, and he refused to fall, but it wasn’t the only thing I could see, he mesmerised me. How could someone so passionate, and I’m sure talented, was still trying to figure out who he was? He was so successful yet lost and slightly anxious. His drive turned me on, but I wondered if he ever really did give himself many moments to just enjoy. Or was it all for the praise? All for the legacy. I didn’t reply to his speech, I didn’t know what to say. We sat silent our eyes connected, but I wasn’t looking at them, I was looking past them. Trying to read the lines of a half-told story and I could feel him doing the same to me.
His intense gaze softened, and he squeezed my knees again, ‘What are you searching for? What are you hoping to find on the other side of this river?’ he asked.
‘I don’t exactly know. But I’m ready for my next chapter. I’m ready to explore. I know that I was born for more than my current reality. And… and… I want to create. Something, I’m not too sure what yet.’ The last words came out of my mouth like I was just vomiting my inner truth all over this poor stranger’s lap, but I couldn’t help myself. It was like I was blessed with a single moment to share and be with no judgment and I was making the most of it. Relaxed, at ease, and completely self-expressed.
‘Yeah, I can tell you’re a creative soul,’ he said, smiling. ‘You do already know what you want to create,’ he said, ‘I can tell.’
I gulped down. ‘I’m an artist. I love to paint. One day, maybe I’ll do something with it,’ I said. What I should have said was, no one has seen my paintings, and no one ever will, but sometimes I dream of having a gallery show, for no other reason than having a dream. I scoffed at my own inner dialogue, shaking my head out of it.
‘You’ve gotta go and see some landscapes, experience the world beyond and recreate it though the paint, no point waiting around, you’ve gotta go make it happen,’ he piped up, smiling. His words bought the biggest smile on my face. For the first time, I realized I had never truly voiced all the things I wanted and have someone not only listen but believe in the possibilities.
‘So what stories are you going to paint? How are you going to make your legacy in this world? What are you going to leave behind? To prove to everyone else that you existed. Will I see your paintings in the Louvre one day?’ He was full of so much energy, his voice ran through my body. I guess no one had ever asked me what I truly wanted before. No one had ever seen me beyond preconceived ideas. In this town, I was seen as young and successful, only I knew I was half-assing my life, and not doing what I really wanted to. If the citizens could write down my life, they would say I was destined to live my life working at the small agency, get married, quit my job, become a housewife, have many of my ex’s babies, become the model mum, and live a happy existence, until my death. My dreams were far from the path the town wanted for me.
What I wanted to say was ‘calm the fuck down, I’m just trying to get through each day.’ Speaking about the Louvre and legacy seemed a little too intense. Instead, I kept my mouth closed listening to the excited goosebumps that rose on my arms, as he talked about all the things I would daydream about sitting in this exact spot alone. To the stranger next to me, I could be honest about what truly laid within my heart, and he linked me to what I believed and so badly wanted to be true, there is a world beyond this place. I had no idea how to answer him. I don’t know if I had ever viewed life in the way he spoke about it before. I had no idea what my journey was going to be, or what was laid out for me. All I knew was I had a constant ache in my heart, a deep knowing that I was meant to leave this town and maybe he was the nudge I needed tonight. To commit and leap. I gulped down my doubt and continued to lie.
‘I don’t have all the answers yet,’ I said. ‘I think I have to jump headfirst into an adventure outside of this town. And then the rest will come. Something about the unplanned, the unknown is exactly what I think I need right now.’ His eyes glitched and his pupils became more fixated on mine.
‘You’re so… joyful… intriguing… different… I like it,’ he said. I didn’t reply. I didn’t say anything. ‘But if you were to paint anything right now, what would it be about? Are you working on anything currently?’ he asked. This time he had triggered me and something about his harmless words made me shiver slightly. I hid my paintings away under white sheets in my garage and the top linen cupboard where I knew my ex would never bother to look.
‘You’ve um, you’ve got a lot of questions.’ I muttered, trying to mask the nerves in my voice.
He smiled and stood up, holding out his hand out to me, I grabbed it and I stood onto my feet, facing each other. One of his hands was still holding mine, he let go and brushed my hair behind my ear. My eyes met his, but I was lost in my own world of thoughts, I wanted to have an answer to his question, but nothing came straight to my mind. All I could ever dream about when it came to be leaving this town was to throw myself into the deep end of the unknown and watch myself swim or sink, either way, I didn’t care. I just wanted to prove I did it, experience anything that involved being a stranger in an unknown town. From there, that’s where I believed the paintings would come, right now I was blank, I didn’t have an answer for him.
‘You don’t have to worry about answering that question,’ he whispered softly. Our breathing slowed and matched the same rhythm. His hands moved onto my hips. He held me firm but soft.
His eyes were still darting a little nervous. I could feel him, wanting to pull me in and kiss me, but standing so close to him, I could feel his anxiousness, I think he feared my reaction. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t speak. My hazel, just stared deep into his blue as if to say…kiss me stranger, I want you too.
He wrapped one of his hands around my lower back to pull me in closer. He kissed me, slowly, sensually, my heart was pumping up through my throat ready to jump down his. His gentle kiss, his arms around me, made my legs shake. His hand slid down from my lower back holding my bum firmly. He pulled his face back from my lips, our eyes locked, his lips moved ever so slightly.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, moving his hands to my hips.
‘No, don’t be sorry. I want this,’ I said, the words fell out of my mouth, I don’t know what I was doing, this wasn’t me, and being right here with him right now was far from what I was expecting to happen in my night. But here we were, and whoever he was, in this moment was all I wanted. An experience far from my normal had presented itself right in front of me, in the form of a blue-eyed stranger. His left hand moved to my face holding my cheek pressing his lips against mine, this time he held me in tighter. Together our chests were touching, hearts, and breath in rhythm.
My hands moved down from around his shoulders to his hips, wandering around to the front of his jeans, I popped open his top button, one by one our layers became scattered amongst the grass. Our hands soon felt nothing but each other’s warm, skin, standing, touching, wearing nothing but the stars as our sheets.
His lips were pressed softly onto mine. My yearn to feel him inside of me, was insatiable. My hips started rocking towards him. His hands grabbed me firmly on either side of my rocking hips and twisting me around, facing the river. His lips kissed the back of my neck. His lips stayed close to my left ear, and his chin rested on my shoulder, I turned my head for my lips to meet his. He wrapped his arms around my tummy tight, hugging my naked body into his.
‘Are you sure?’ he whispered again ever so softly in my ear.
‘Yes, yes, I want this… I want you, under the moon.’
I felt dangerously powerful, elusive, and free. Barefoot and animalistic. He bought the wolf out in me. I stood screaming, howling to the full moon that beamed down over the river. That night, I felt every part of him, his drive, his passion, his creativity, and something about it all bought something bigger out in me. His hands moved from my hips to wrapping tightly around my waist, pressing his open hands into either side of my belly, holding me as I felt every inch of him inside me. He loosened his grip as my hips rocked uncontrollably, I could feel the energy moving up my spine, curving my back, I couldn’t hold it back. My body felt like a blaze of pleasure that set alight next to the river, peaking. Roaring. He grabbed me as I screamed, losing control of my legs shaking he held me, stopping me from falling. Holding himself deep inside of me.
I stood breathless from what had just happened. I had never had someone touch me, take control of my body in such a gentle yet risky way. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the back of my neck.
A phone started to ring. the DJ knelled down to the pile of clothes that were scattered amongst the grass searching for his jeans and grabbing his phone out of the pocket. ‘It’s Torey, I’m sorry. I should probably get this.’
