‘Why haven’t you explored the other side yet?’ he asked, looking at me intently.
‘I am, I mean it’s planned. I’m going,’ I said with a matter-of-fact tone. I didn’t like that he was questioning me about why I hadn’t done what I had always wanted. An outright lie came out of my mouth. I had absolutely nothing planned. But I always had wanted to. I didn’t want this stranger to think I was a ‘gonna’. I really disliked that in people, when people where constantly saying they were ‘going to do’ something, but their actions never aligned. Yet, the very thing that I didn’t like in people, I was possessed myself. He was completely right, he had every right to question me. Why hadn’t I made the leap yet, when internally I was so sure of what I wanted. If I’m really the independent boss women I make out to be, then why were the opinions of other people weighing me down. I was still unsure of what the adventure would even be or why I was going, but something screamed so loudly inside of me, I was as sure as I needed to go on it.
‘Where’s the first destination?’ he asked, placing his hands into his jacket pocket, his eyes not leaving mine. Down by the river was complete silence, other than a slight breeze and our soft voices, the night was still.
‘I don’t know yet. All I know is I have a one-way ticket booked on that ship in a month,’ I said, pointing to the ship that was docked on the other side of the river, which I knew was the only way out of this town if I wanted to take my car. I watched it sail out to sea from the window of my house each morning. ‘The rest I’m just going to figure out. Travel around and find my next favourite place I guess.’ I lied, with confidence.
‘That sounds like great soul-searching adventure,’ he said, smiling in awe of my lie. I felt at ease blurting it out of my mouth. I don’t think it was a lie any more. I think I had just decided and finally spoke it into reality.
‘Yeah, I’m excited,’ I said, my voice softened, and a smile overtook my face.
‘So, what about you, mysterious man? If I don’t get to know your name, do I get to find out at least one thing about you?’ I asked, leaning in closer towards him, my eyes gently brushing him up and down.
‘I’m a DJ, but I also write music, produce music and sing on my own tracks,’ he said, unexcited. looking out at the water and then back towards me. ‘That was a really weird way to explain what I do. I guess I’m known as a DJ, but you know, there’s not always the best stereotypes related to DJs.’
‘It sounds like you’re more of a musician,’ I said.
‘I’d like to be, that’s what I strive for. have a gig in town tonight If you would like to come?’ he joked. I laughed.
‘So why did the DJ want to leave his party so badly? Is shaking hands and smiling to those who adore you really that bad?’ I asked.
He chuckled, shaking his head. ‘It’s not bad at all. I love it. I really do. I’m incredibly blessed to be in my position, I know that a lot of people would kill for this. I just, I guess my life wasn’t really destined to turn out this way, and well, it’s amazing don’t get me wrong but, sometimes when I finally get a chance to stop, it’s hard to know who I am, which version I need to be or which me I am in that very day. I don’t know if that even makes sense.’ He sighed, wrapping his arms around his knees and gazing back out to the moon lit water.
‘What do you mean by, wasn’t destined to turn out like this? How do you even know that?’ I said, staring back at him intrigued.
‘Okay, would you like to hear a story? I haven’t really spoken about before. Well, not since being this version of me I guess,’ he said, his voice softened.
I shrugged, ‘I mean it might make up for not telling me your name,’ I said.
He laughed.‘Okay. I’ll tell you a story about the night I ended up moving out of home,’ he said, unwrapping his arms, placing them behind him, leaning back and meeting my gaze.‘When I was fifteen. I had become a part of a tagging crew with my best friends Myles and Cam. We used to spray paint the streets, but our newest high was spray painting the trains that ran through the town.Our usual Saturday night involved leaving our houses as the moon rose. Cam, Myles and I would meet up and pick the locks to the local paint shop in the industrial estate that was right next to Cam’s house. Cam had the train stops mapped out. Mixing it up each weekend to where we would be able to get enough time to spay before the train took off again without getting caught in the act. I don’t know why we chose the trains, maybe because of the high thrill of getting caught and the local disturbance it caused.’ He paused, gulping down, shying away from my gaze. ‘I’m sorry, this is strange, I don’t know why I’m telling you this,’ he said.
I reached out and touched his shoulder, ‘no I asked, I want to know,’ I said reassuring him, bringing my hand back to my lap.
He cleared his throat and continued. ‘Everyone wanted to know who it was that kept tagging the trains every weekend. I would think about the imagery I wanted to create each week. Knowing that there would be another write up in the newspaper about it, alongside a picture. The fact that everyone was talking about it, made it feel seen. It felt like we were making some sort of impact. I know it sounds stupid, it was illegal, but at the time I loved that feeling. I didn’t care whether it was positive or negative, it was causing a stir and making people feel. That’s what I loved, that’s what I always loved. Knowing that I was sparking emotion through my art, whether it’s positive or negative. It caused a reaction,’ he said, I flashed him a warm smile.
‘Our other friend, Connor, was our driver. He would pick us up after the job was done and take us home. I remember this particular night so clearly.’ His eyes wandered to the river in front of us but I could tell his mind was lost in the moment of the past.
‘I asked Connor to take me home early, it was a close call, we had almost got caught. But it was also the night I was most happy. I sprayed a delicate tentacle around the bus in a matter of minutes, it was an absolute piece of art. Connor didn’t want to take me home, he wanted to hang out all night but we were exhausted. He dropped me off out the front of my house and I remember seeing the light flashing from the TV through the lounge room window. I still remember the sick feeling in my stomach,’ he said, his voice began to crack. I placed my hand on his knee for a second as he took a deep breath. ‘I let myself into the house and tried to walk straight past the living room where my mom was sitting, I didn’t want to disturb her, but she yelled out to me, wanting to know where I had been. She was watching a late-night talk show. I could see the pills that were sitting next to her ashtray on the coffee table.’ His body stiffened as he spoke, it was as though he was reliving the past like a movie in his mind. ‘I was so angry. I didn’t understand why she had to be like that. Having another drink, popping another pill. Chasing a high yet feeling so numb towards everything in life. My usual routine would be to completely ignore her, make sure my headphones were in my ears as loud as they could be. I would storm past her. Trying to ignore her habit or the half-assed lecture that I thought she was going to give me. I don’t know what came over me, but in that moment all I wanted to do was be honest. Stare at her in the face and tell her exactly what I was out doing every night. I wanted to see her reaction. So, I did.’ He bit it bottom lip, placing his hand on top of mine still rested on his knee as he continued. ‘I took my backpack off, unzipped it and shook it upside down in front of her, letting every stolen spray can hit the floorboards. I told her I was tagging the trains. I told her that’s what I was out doing every night, that I was the exact one that the town was after. But instead of calling the police and dobbing me in, like I thought she would, she didn’t even flinch. Instead, she laughed. She told me to stop lying, that there was no way that I was talented enough to be the person doing that.’ His voice softened even more and he sighed. ‘I turned away, walked to my room, slammed the door. Tucked myself into bed and cried. I woke up early the next morning. Packed my backpack and never went back. I moved into my friend Johnny’s house. He lived on the other side of town. I learned how to create music on his ’90s computer and well, here I am now,’ he said, flashing me a half smile.
‘Are you still friends with Johnny?’ I asked.
‘He lives overseas now, but we still keep in touch. Probably not as often as I should with him. I should make more of an effort,’ he said.
‘And your mum?’ I asked. ‘Where is she now?’
‘She’s in jail. She started dealing to make money and got caught. She has a long sentence. I don’t visit her. Sometimes I think about her, but I’d rather keep my distance. Be grateful that she gave me life but move on alone as an adult now I guess.’ He shrugged, this time he smiled warmly as he met my eyes, then looking back down at our hands.
As he gazed into the distance, looking a little lost. I guess he was. He was in my town, sitting near my river, my rock wall. This place wasn’t meant for someone like him.
‘That’s pretty amazing, to have been able to turn what you were born to do, into a career. I think you’re exactly where you need to be, I mean, no one ever grows up knowing how successful they’re going to be. I don’t know what it’s like to be famous, but I can understand why you’re impactful,’ I said, it was true, I still didn’t know who he was, but now I knew his story.
‘It’s luck, I’m very lucky. But It’s not all fun and games. It can seem glamorous and amazing, and sure there is that part of it,’ he said, ‘but I can tell you, I don’t one hundred percent know who I am.’ His eyes glared into the distance and then back to me, something behind his deep blue was churning away, searching for an answer. ‘I’ve never told anyone that, I don’t want to come across ungrateful. But right now, this moment, sitting here with you. Is one of the greatest moments I have had in a long time, and I can honestly tell you that.’ His gaze softened, with the rest of his body. I was curious. How could a moment with me, in my shitty little town be one of the greatest moments of the ever-traveling famous man that sat before me?
‘Why?’ I spat out, slightly too loud and abrupt. Quickly closing my mouth, hoping I didn’t just ruin his vulnerable moment.
‘I can’t tell you the last time I was able to hang out and have a real conversation without being needed or wanted for something I have or am seen to possess. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fans, I love my team, I love the praise… but fuck, I would love to know who the hell I am once that is gone and who is going to stay around. Heck, I’d love to know what it’s like to stay in one place for more than a month at a time and have long conversations about anything but work. I’d love to know what it means to really connect. Beyond the exterior,’ he said, his inner frustration set free in his voice.
‘I can understand that. I don’t know what it’s personally like to be in your position. But I can relate to the expectations that people can put on you, of who you are seen to be and how people want you to be.’ I shrugged.
