I began to create a mental list, one thing at a time of everything I loved about Emma. Why I had felt so drawn to her and the true influence that she had in my life. But everything came back to me wanting her, I really, really wanted her. I wanted her by my side on my wild ride of self-discovery.
Emma was gorgeous. I lived for her smile, it didn’t just show her teeth and curve her sexy mouth. It infused her body, her eyes sparkled, her posture opened, and her skin gleamed with happiness. She exuded a lightness, freedom. She didn’t take life too seriously. Her laugh was beyond infectious, it caught everyone she met. Her soul shone through her beauty. There was something about her smell. She intoxicated me. I remember the moment I smelt her, as she was sitting on my lap, laughing, joking about a story of her childhood. I got lost in her essence, breathing her in like I wanted to bottle her up, turn her into perfume, smell her all around me, all the time. I don’t think I had experienced that moment with anyone before.
Emma was creative. I knew she was a talented artist, and I had never seen her stuff she wouldn’t let me. But I didn’t need to, I could tell. I could see it beyond her eyes. I could feel it in her body when she spoke about getting lost amongst stories. I could tell it was exactly how I felt when I created music. She was an inspiration, because she showed up for herself, for her craft. I wished she would share it with the world. I wished that I could be there when she finally realized what she could create and what she could become. I wanted her to prove that to herself. Because she absolutely could, I knew this without a doubt. I longed for that moment, to see her so aligned to her creative passions and spreading them towards the souls that were born to read them. I wanted to be right by her side at that moment. Watching her fucking bloom into the next stage of her being. She inspired me more than she’d ever know. To create and not care about how it impacted the world or if it made her any money. But to just do it for the pure joy of it. She was the very person that inspired my longing and drive to wander alone, explore, be released from the expectations of others. To wonder and create on my own.
I had never met someone more grateful than Emma. She could see the positives in everything, even the shittiest things. Whenever I would complain she would back it up with a positive. Just last week I was beating myself up over productivity, telling her how I couldn’t concentrate on making a new song.Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe you need some white space. Some time away from your computer to let the creativity come in.She was so beautiful like that, she was a breath of fresh air, deeply invigorating my lungs. Each night before we went to bed, she would ask me what the best thing in my day was. I was so unsure when she first started to question me, but she helped me find the little joys. She did really know how to live life from her purest joys, with simplicity and keeping her heart open.
I was grateful for her, I was grateful that I got to be a part of her life. She was picky with who she let in, and so she should be. With an energy that radiated like hers, she couldn’t be bought down by negativity or toxicity, she vibrated higher each day.
Emma was so sure. She chose herself; always. That was another thing I was in awe of her for. She told me onceif you do what is best for you, then you’re doing what is best for everyone around you too.I wonder what she would think if she sat for a moment inside my mind. I wonder what advice she would give me; what path she would recommend I choose.
Emma was so beautifully imperfect, she had her insecurities, but she wore them without worry. She never complained about the way she looked, instead, she wore her smile every day with confidence. There would be very few moments where the internal happiness would leave her mouth or eyes. What she possessed within herself was the very thing that I was hoping to find. She was happy alone, she was happy with other people, she rarely strayed and if she did, she came back to her. Maybe that was one of the biggest lessons she taught me. Even being around one of the most amazing people I had ever met, which she was, I couldn’t find myself in her. I was the only one who would and could be responsible for me, and my happiness, my joy… wherever or whatever that came to be.
Each thought I had of her bought a smile to my face, wider and brighter. A solo tear leaked down my left cheek. She was one of a kind. I loved everything about her. I wanted to know her forever. I was scared to lose her. I was scared to lose maybe one of the greatest things that have happened to me, she has impacted my life forever. I opened my journal, resting it on my lap and started to write…I chooseEmma
Chapter 18 — Her
I drove into the car park of my apartment building. I pulled up the handbrake and rested my hands down off the wheel, sighing out, staring blankly at the white building wall in front of me. It was a long drive back from my time away with Abbie and her friends. I hadn’t taken a break from work in so long, and to be honest I wasn’t planning too, after the shock at Lucas’s place I just wanted to stay home, but Abbie insisted I come, and as nervous as I was, I was glad I did, letting out the story of Luc and, the painting, although my consumption of red wine had been questionable, I came home feeling a hell of a lot lighter. The pain in my heart had dulled and the squirm in my stomach just left like a stiff heavy rock, it wasn’t gone, but it had settled. I was glad to be home. Staring at the wall in front of me I got lost in a daydream of what I hoped would happen only a couple of hours from now. I’d open the gate to Lucas’s handsome face and bright blue eyes staring at me. I was wearing my favourite sundress. The white one, with a pink floral pattern that tied up into a bow in front of my breasts. It had flowing short sleeves and it danced into soft pleats around the top of my legs. He threw both his hands around my waist, holding me in tight kissing me. Our kisses turned from a soft ‘I missed you’ into a deep moment of passion. One of his hands slid down my leg and up my dress, grabbing onto my ass. He held me tight and pulled me up off my feet, carrying me through to the stairs to my apartment floor. Kicking the front door behind him shut. We reached the stairs and he dropped me down. I pulled back from his embrace and both our eyes sparkled into each other. He grinned and his dimple showed, as did mine, exposing the cheeky, childlike energy between us. I smiled wider and giggled, running up the stairs as if to sayCome and get me.I felt my dress sway and rise up, exposing the bottom of my left butt cheek. Lucas came running up the stairs behind me. I reached my front door, leaving it open for him to come in after me. He caught me and grabbed me at my bedroom door. His hands grabbed around me tightly, picking me up and throwing me down on the bed on my back. I screamed with excitement and laughter. He was above me, on all fours holding me down until I stopped laughing and squirming. His face leaned in close to mine as I calmed my body, my eyes and lips meeting his. I felt him around my ears, making me feel covered, protected, and small within his hold.
I shook my head out of the daydream.
I hopped out of the car and grabbed my suitcase, opening the gate and dragged my suitcase up to the top of the stairs. I unlocked my door and I left my suitcase sitting next to my couch as I opened the balcony sliding doors to let in some fresh air into my apartment. I sat down on my outdoor cane lounge chair, putting my feet up. My phone buzzed beside me a couple of times. I was sure it was Lucas, but I didn’t want to check it. I knew I should have picked up the phone and just called him.
In my chest was a loud throbbing ache, so loud it was pumping through my ear. I could feel the pulse pumping up through my body, wanting to explode out of my throat but nothing would come up. Everything else felt numb. I wished I’d kissed him harder. I would have cherished the moment he was inside of me, made sure I breathed his air. Tasted it, for just a moment longer. I sunk down into my seat. Tears flowed down my face as I looked out towards the sun shining bright between the buildings.
I believed Luc and I were two souls that were destined to meet. Perfect and complete just the way it was. Nothing more or nothing less. I laid frozen and empty, confused, and grateful. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel all the above at once. But I did.
Maybe that was what made me fall in love, nothing more than the moments. Moments shared of pure joy, honesty, and openness. It was real, it happened, and whatever was experienced will never be the same again. If we’re able to go back, to relive something again, maybe then we wouldn’t appreciate it for what it was or feel vulnerable enough to open our hearts to a moment of love.
Chapter 19 — Him
I sat on my balcony looking down at the time. I had missed her all week. Surely, she had to be back by now. Surely. It was her gallery show tonight. I had sent her a couple of messages while she was away, but she was yet to reply. I hate the way I had left her on Sunday. I had to see her, I had to talk to her, feel her infectious voice run through my body and her smile light up my heart.
I picked up my phone and started to dial her. It ran out five times
‘Luc,’ she said, sounding surprised to hear from me, my heart sunk.
‘Hey…’
‘What’s wrong?’ She could sense the reserve in my voice.
‘Nothing’s wrong. I was just checking in. I wanted to see how your trip went and I also, well, I really needed to apologise, for how we left things on Sunday. I was reserved I know; it was a weird weekend, I had a lot of decisions to make, and well, I need to talk to you about them, I’ve made up my mind.’ I sat pinching my own leg, annoyed by my usual stutter, my words were not coming out as smoothly as I had imagined them in my head a thousand times over in the past week.
‘I-I guess I wasn’t expecting you to call me,’ she stuttered, her voice missing its usual natural enthusiasm.
‘Where are you?’ I asked. I could hear a bunch of kids screaming in the background and wind whistling in the phone.
‘Oh sorry, I’m just in town, I’m picking up a couple of things for the gallery show tonight,’ she said, ‘but honestly, Luc, I’ve spent the week thinking about this too, and you really don’t have anything to apologise for, I-I have a lot to say, too, I guess, I just didn’t know where we ended up.’
‘Em, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. But I can’t wait to see you tonight. I can’t wait to be there and see you shine,’ I said. I really was dying to finally see her work.
‘No, don’t be sorry, you don’t need to be sorry. I think how last week ended was for the best.’ She paused, and I sat still, listening to the sound of familiar silence that lingered between us. ‘I, I mean, I don’t want to hold you back, Luc. I know that you have a lot of great stuff happening for you, and I do too, maybe we’re just meant to go separate ways. Maybe this isn’t meant for us. Whatever this is. You know, it hasn’t worked for us before, so why should it work again? I think it’s stupid for either of us to expect a different result,’ she spoke so fast, word vomiting through the phone. But each one of them felt like a dagger to my heart.
‘Do you really feel this way or are you just pushing me away? I can’t imagine how hard that would have been for you, seeing that painting. But I don’t know that shouldn’t be a reason to run, I mean doesn’t it prove how connected we are?’ I said.
‘I am pushing you away. I’m scared. I’m not ready for this,’ she stuttered.
‘Ready for what?’ I asked.
