I rolled over and snuggled into him, enjoying his lips. His hand slipped in between my legs and, holding me firmly but gently, he moved his lips away from mine, gently kissing my cheek, my neck. He kissed every inch of my body, slowly moving down past my belly button, my inner thighs; feeling his breath on my skin, in between my legs, it gave my whole body, goosebumps, the kind you don’t want to leave, the kind you want to stay as they tickle up your spine and send you into fits of giggles. He lay in between my legs, stopping for a moment, looking up at me as my body moved to feel the remnants of his breath through my body. I looked down, he flashed me a smile. ‘You’re so fucking sexy.’
He kissed her gently and I sighed. Making my hips rock uncontrollably in rhythm with his soft but powerful touch. He had my thighs shaking and my body convulsing with energy, making my back bend, and my body cry out in pleasure. He looked up, lay next to me, and locked his eyes deep on mine while his fingers were still pressed hard inside me. He kept them there, supporting the bliss that flooded through my body, even after hitting my peak of pleasure, holding me, until my body completely surrendered to the emotional charge and sunk deep into the mattress.
Tears rolled down my cheek. He looked at me, concerned. The tears continued to roll as I lay with my eyes wide open staring into his.
‘Are you okay?’ he said.
‘I just feel everything,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I don’t want to talk, just hold me.’ He held me in silence for a moment before I asked to take a shower. I crawled off the bed and grabbed the towel from the top of my bag that I had left there from the night before. I wrapped the towel around my naked body and walked up the hallway towards the bathroom.
My legs felt weak and before I knew it, I was crouched up in a little ball still holding tightly onto the sink weeping on the bathroom floor. I had been here many times before. And I am sure I had many of these moments to come. I was weeping for the love I felt, the love I craved. For the hurt, pain, happiness, and heartbreak that led me to the very moment that I sat in right now. It was as though I was finally expressing every emotion that I had laid dormant inside of me for years, exploding out of my body into a mix of weakness, tears, angst and goosebumps.
All I ever wanted was to love so fucking hard. To put your heart so hard on the line so you are scared, vulnerable, and open. To feel everything that it means to be human. To revel in the feelings, it gives you. To be unbelievably grateful for the moments of pure pleasure and joy whilst releasing expectations of anything more than that. Alone, I let it spill into tears on the bathroom floor.
Later in the day we lounged down by the lake in his back yard. The back of his house felt like Fern Gully’s home. It was a completely different world, like I could get lost in nature whilst still being twenty meters from civilization. It was an absolute sanctuary. I lay on a towel in the grass, feeling the sun on my skin, listening to the birds sing amongst the trees above us.
Something did feel different being in his place. Not just with me, but with him. He was more nervous. Less relaxed. As we lay outside his body was stiff. I didn’t know whether I had hurt him with my words from the night before, or something else was going on with him internally.
‘Sometimes I feel like all this shit owns me, rather than me owning it,’ he said, waving his arms around at his house as we lay in his yard.
‘I can kind of understand, from a different perspective, I guess. I don’t like to own that many things. It doesn’t really give me any joy; I don’t see the point in it. I guess it could feel like a tie-down,’ I said.
‘How did you feel when you moved into your current apartment, and you had to buy furniture after moving around so much?’ said Lucas.
I laughed. ‘I didn’t buy furniture; I rented a furnished place.’
‘Oh wow, so you’re not tied down by anything. That must be an amazing feeling,’ he said. I didn’t know he felt like this. I thought he enjoyed coming home to his own place after traveling around. I thought he liked how it gave him stability, but it was just an assumption. I never really asked him that question.
‘What do you mean by ‘tied down?’ I asked. I didn’t like that expression; I didn’t think we should ever feel tied to things.
‘I guess I’ve been feeling a little stuck lately. Stuck with myself, stuck with choosing my next chapter, my next path. I feel like I’m at a crossroads with so many different paths that I can take, and I’m confused. If I was a Goosebumps book, I’m in the ‘chose your destination’ section of life.’ He shrugged, giggling at his own thoughts.
I laughed out loud. ‘We’re always in the ‘chose your destination’ section of life. We’re lucky we’ve been born so privileged to have the opportunity of choice and decisions every day,’ I said. ‘What are you at a crossroads at?’
‘A lot. A lot I want to talk to you about… and I will, I will soon. I promise. It’s mostly career stuff. I just need a little more time to get clear on it all myself. I want to make sure I’m making the right decisions. But know, whatever it is, we’re still okay, we’re good, it won’t affect us, I promise,’ he said, brushing his hand onto my knee.
‘I can tell something is a little off, I thought it might have been my freak out from last night,’ I said.
‘I told you, I love being around you. You are one of the best people I know, truly,’ he said, his body slightly tense. ‘Do you still feel that way? Do you still feel like I’ll leave? What were the tears about this morning?’ he asked. ‘Is there anything else I can do? Show you, prove to you that I am in this, all the way?’
‘I think I have a lot of work to do to get over that fear, I don’t know if it’s one you can help me with. I think it’s one I need to go on alone. It’s not just you that created it, I’m aware of that,’ I said honestly. I was scared to open my heart completely to anyone or anything since losing mum. As great as my closest friends were, I still had no family, no one I could lean on or trust unconditionally, I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone who had their own lives. All I wanted to do was to be able to let go, to let the love in, but as soon as I realised it was there, the moment I knew I was completely falling, nothing terrified me more, of having to lose someone you loved again.
‘I’m sorry I made you cry,’ said Lucas, his eyes beamed apologetically into mine.
‘You didn’t make me cry. I think you helped release some tears and emotions I really needed to shed. You do more for me than you’ll ever know Luc.’ My voice softened.
‘I feel the same, I really do.’ His hand pressed firmer into my knee and I could he the sincerity in his voice.
‘Can I ask you something?’ I said.
‘You never need to preface that, just ask,’ he said, smiling.
‘Do you ever get scared of our connection?’ I asked, my voice soft and shy. His shoulders softened and his eyes didn’t leave mine
‘Most days,’ he said. I could tell he knew exactly what I was talking about, what I was fighting with myself inside. Maybe he was too.
‘Same here,’ I said, not leaving his gaze.
Luc lay down. He seemed at home and more at ease in my space than his own. The place he had lived in for ten years. He looked lost in his own backyard, unsettled. He lay on his towel and I watched his face staring out to the distance. I wondered where he was at that moment.
