I lay down beside him, watching his expression. His lips drooped naturally. His eyes were so fixated, he almost looked a little cross. I knew he wasn’t, I knew he was in a world somewhere else.
I imagined being able to listen to a moment inside his mind. Understanding what triggered him, where his inner most demons lay. Understanding him beyond the look that lies in his eyes in silence. I wanted to be able to know the simplest things that he craved from me but can’t see through the exterior to be able to provide it.
I imagined being able to open his journal to view the flooding thoughts of love, life, everything that lies beyond the glistening blue of his eyes. I wanted to be able to read, feel, understand his deepest, most raw thoughts that even the most open couples may never experience truly and fully.
I could tell the world he was lost in was one of the troubles. One of the dark. I wanted to be the bright light to shine him out of it. But something inside me told me to not speak up this time. To let him have his time. Whatever seemed to be swirling around in that brain of his was one that only he could fix.
I wanted him to find that spark within himself, he seemed a little lost with it at times. But to me, it shone bright every day. I knew what it was like to be lost in the darkness all too well, and I knew what it was like to be surrounded by people that were going through the same.
I knew the light you project out to your illuminous other will fade in times of darkness, and the darkness will come. This is where we run, lost in the woods in the drastic search for another beam to shoot through the trees, to make us feel like we’ve found our way home, instead of sitting with ourselves in the dark, realising we are the compass out. We know our way home; beams of light may assist in the direction. But only if you trust that you know the way first.
‘I’m hungry, I’m going to grab us a snack,’ he said, jumping up off his towel, flashing me a warm smile before looking down at his feet as he walked towards the entrance of his house.
I lay back down on my towel, staring up at the trees above me, when I heard a phone ring. I reached over to Luc’s towel picking up his Samsung and opening the black cover, calling out for him, but he had already disappeared back inside the house. The name on the screen read Caine. I’d heard Lucas speak about his manager Caine before but before I decided to answer the phone stopped ringing. I went to place his phone back on his towel when I looked down at the screen hearing it beep again. A text message notification appeared on the screen from Caine.
It read: American Tour. I need an answer ASAP!
I sat his phone back down, wishing I had never picked it up. I took a deep breath and lay back down, as Luc walked back out his house, handing me two mandarins.
‘What’s wrong? Are you okay? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost?’ he said.
I gulped down, ‘I’m fine, um, I think I just want to um, relax, chill out maybe. Should we watch a movie?’ I said, my voice felt as though it was painted on, but he didn’t notice, instead his eyes drew wide for my request.
‘Yes, I do. There is something new in this house, let me show you,’ he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me up to my feet as he lead me into the house.
He dragged me towards the end of the hallway, to a closed white door, I had never been in the room before, from what I remembered it was one of his housemates.
‘James moved out a couple of months ago. I was going to get someone new in to rent the room, but instead, I thought this idea would be great. I mean, I don’t know why, it’s silly now I think of it, it’s just more stuff I’ve created here,’ he said. I couldn’t handle the suspense as his eyes twinkled and he kept his hand firm on the doorknob.
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘show me what it is already.’
Lucas opened the door, waving his arm out to let me in. I walked into the dark room standing in awe I giggled, there was a sofa bed in the middle of the room, with a large projector screen facing towards the wall, the whole room had been painted black, glow and the dark stars shone from the roof. It was everything I’d imagined he would have loved as a kid, if he didn’t have to grow up so fast. It warmed my heart, I loved it.
‘Oh my gosh Luc, this is the best, it’s incredible, it’s so you! Why didn’t we sleep in here last night?’ I said.
He shrugged, ‘I don’t know, sorry, maybe we should have, but we can make it our little place now,’ he said, switching on the lights. ‘What would you like to watch?’
I stood still my body felt limp, as I stared towards the right wall of the room. Three paintings stood along the wall, all evenly spaced out. I walked slowly towards it, to get a better look. No, it couldn’t be… but it was… my heart pounded through my chest, my eyes welled and tears began pouring down my cheeks.
‘What is this?’ I turned towards him. ‘Is this some sick sort of joke?’ I screamed.
‘Em, what?’ His eyes gleamed wide and confused as his forehead creased.
I ran towards him, pushing him against the wall, again and again and again, crying out in pain, he held my arms still until I had no force left, falling to the floor.
‘Em, what? What is going on?’ He screamed back at me.
‘After all this time and you never told me? Why would you never tell me? How did you even get it?’ I sobbed in a heap on the floor.
He sat down next to me, his hands resting firmly on my shoulders.
‘What, Em what?’ he raised his voice, matching mine.
‘The picture… the clouds… it’s my mums,’ I said weeping, slowly staggering each word out of my mouth.
‘What? No? It can’t be?’ he said, wrapping his arms around me tight. ‘Oh my god,’ his voice softened as the words slowly left his mouth. ‘It is, I’ve met her,’ he said, his jaw open, his eye staring into mine, tears falling down both our cheeks. ‘I had no idea that it was Emma, I promise, I didn’t know. But now, I guess it all makes sense.’
‘What do you mean you met her?’ I screamed. He gulped down, squeezing me tighter into his chest, as he gazed up at the picture. My body was shaking but I couldn’t stop it.
