Today’s anxious feelings weren’t as intense as what the weeks prior had been. Maybe it was just the overwhelming boredom of my own privileged life. Poor fucking me. Little old Lucas, with an overactive mind, and underwhelming feelings.
‘No, mate, I really don’t think that’s the way to go about it. I think we have to go all-in and just see what happens…’ A heard a males voice from across the aisle. I listened in to two young boys, maybe in their early twenties, overtalking. One was wearing a baseball cap, white t-shirt, and jeans, talking loud with over-exaggerated hand signals and he spoke to his friend beside him wearing a short-sleeved checked shirt and light denim jeans.
‘I don’t know,’ the checked shirt said, he sounded worried. I listened in closer, trying to find out what they were speaking about. ‘I think we just need to treat this like the warm-up, let’s not ask for anything too much just yet. I think we just let them get to know us at this point and create the relationship.’
‘We’ll read the room that’s for sure, but I don’t think we should hold back. What have we got to lose? This is our best opportunity yet.’ His friend said.
‘Very true.’ Both boys were silent as I watched their faces ponder. I wondered what opportunity they had in front of them. Whatever it was, I hoped they nail it and achieve everything they were working towards. Part of me wanted to jump into their conversation and tell them that. But I refrained from letting them know I was eavesdropping.
I remember the days I dreamed of the things I have now. Yet the same frustrating feelings overwhelmed me just the same as they did ten years ago. It was the never-ending desire to be better, to create. Make sure that every moment I had was used to its maximum potential.
But my scatteredness and indecisiveness was a constant issue. Fucking up the pressure of progress. The need for perfection. The constant whirlpool of thoughts that swirled around my stupid brain, getting me nowhere.
I gazed aimlessly out the window in awe of the beauty of the clouds. How calm they looked, peacefully floating, moving, separating. They were ever-changing, complementing the sun, and creating the rain. They were an essential part of a bigger landscape for every moment on earth. Yet they always seemed so peaceful, at ease, not worried about doing anything else than what they had to.
The clouds calmed my body, as I closed my eyes ready to dose off. The image of the clouds sat behind the lid of my eyes. White puff, swirling through the blue sky. I imagined sitting on the edge of the biggest cloud. My legs were hanging over into the nothingness of the sky. I laid back to feel myself be held by something so light, floating in the illusion of time. My arms sprawled out like a snow angel, I tried to weave my fingers through the floating white haze. Its beauty was marvelling, I wanted to hold it, but as I clenched my hands onto the cloud that laid beneath me. Bits of cloud would wilt out of my hands, floating further away from me into the air, into space, off to create another shape with other clouds. The white puff proved to me you can’t hold onto anything that isn’t yours. But for a moment, it still held me.
I wanted to make the most of this very moment, I wanted to jump and run amongst the clouds. I sat up, pulling my legs into my chest and quickly jumping up onto my feet. Wow, it still held me. I took a jump, a leap, I started to run…
I felt a tap on my knee and my eyes snapped open. ‘Hey, Luc, sorry to disturb you. I just thought you might like something to eat.’ The air hostess said, kneeling down next to me, one of her hands on my knee as she held out a hand full of protein bars, nuts, crackers, and cheese.
‘Oh, thanks,’ I said, taking the snacks out of her hand as she stood up and winked at me, quickly walking away. Damn. The dream was gone. I wonder what it felt like to run on clouds.
I looked down at all the snacks that now filled my lap and opened the wrapper to a chocolate protein bar and took a bite. My mind seemed to wander between stress and a state of reverie a lot. All of it just seemed like nonsense. But at the same time, maybe it was essential nonsense, that fuelled my music and drove my constant desire.
Dreaming kept my life interesting. Exploring, thinking about the world beyond me, what would exist past my time on this earth. What would I miss out on? And what part of me would be left behind? How would my existence be known for years to come?
What was my legacy on this planet? How was I going to leave it? I read somewhere our days on earth are only an average of 30,000. 30,000 days to prove you existed. In 30,000 days, you must create something that will live far beyond you. 30,000 days I had to keep myself in this mental rut. Or to wake up, keep going, get moving, and create. I took the last bite from my protein bar, scrunched up the wrapper, and placed it in the pocket of my jacket. I bent down and pulled out the backpack from underneath my seat. I grabbed my laptop finally pressed play on my headphones and got to work.
‘Knock, knock.’ A deep man’s voice yelled out on the other side of the hotel room door.
I opened the door with a smile. ‘Torey, my man. How are you doing, mate?’ I said.
‘So good thanks, brother. Hey, thanks so much for being here. We’re really stoked to have you play and the club is already starting to pump. I think you’re the best thing that has happened to this town in a long time. We’re expecting to hit capacity tonight,’ said Torey, the local promoter. I had been in conversation with him about a couple of gigs over the years, but with my hectic schedule this was the first one we had made happen.
‘Thanks for having me, bro. I’m excited to be here. It should be a good night. Did you want to come in?’ I asked, standing back from the doorway, gesturing for Torey to come in. I really liked catching up with the promoters, they were the closest people I had to friends in my life.
‘Oh, we better get going if that’s okay. We ran a competition and there’s a meet and greet with some fans in fifteen minutes. Then you’ll have a couple of free hours. I know a couple of your support acts are keen on meeting you though,’ said Torey.
‘Yeah, that’s cool. We better get going.’
‘Thanks, mate, I really appreciate it.’
I left the door open, walking back into the room to grab my hotel room key, USB, and phone that I left sitting on the bedside table.
I followed Torey out onto the hall. ‘The club is just around the corner,’ Torey explained, ‘but I drove here so we can go straight through the back entrance. There are already three girls waiting to meet you and take a photo when we arrive,’ said Torey as we made our way into the hotel elevator and into his car.
The club really was only around the corner. We could easily have walked there. One set of traffic lights and next thing you know we were pulling into the driveway that leads down to the back entrance of a group of small city buildings. We hopped out of the car and Torey pointed to a graffitied black door on one of the buildings. He didn’t need to point it out to me. I knew exactly which one it would be. I have seen many club backdoors in my time.
‘Are you ready?’ he asked as he looked back at me and opened the door, while gesturing his hand for me to walk through.
‘Born ready.’ I laughed and put on my best energetic face. A young girl with long blonde hair and a light blue daisy printed dress screamed and ran up to me, hugging me tightly around my waist. ‘Hey there,’ I said, wrapping my arms lightly around her, awkwardly tapping her back. Two of her other friends stood back behind her, smiling at me, wide eyed.
‘I am so excited to meet you. I absolutely love your music. You’re on constant repeat in my car and house and brain every single day,’ she spoke so fast, catching her breath and smiling wider.
She slowly released her embrace, and before I could reply, she continued.
‘I’m… and these are my friends…’ They introduced themselves to me, but I didn’t catch their names. I felt so bad in these situations. I wanted to be so present with the people that spent their time wanting to get to know me. Listening to my art. But my scattered brain never seemed to be on my side. I engaged in conversation but always seemed to switch off when someone mentioned their name. The two other girls came in for a hug one at a time. We all took a photo together and I noticed there were some seats laid out.
