I took a seat next to her, with one knee slightly up on the couch so I was turned to face her. She hugged her knees into her chest a little closer. Her shoulders were back, her chest was open and her eyes were wide. ‘Nothing I don’t already know. But what if I start going through your cupboards?’ I said jokingly. ‘What am I going to find?’
A cheeky look overcame her face, exposing both her dimples and her eyes squinted into mine. I loved when she looked like that.
‘You know I have nothing to hide,’ she said, calm, collected. She really had found her place. It felt a little surreal sitting here with her in it after all these years.
‘I’m so happy you found your place,’ I said and our eyes locked, sitting close.
‘It took a while, but I’m here. And it feels good, really good.’ I could tell she was being a little blunt with me, not elaborating. I could understand why, she didn’t owe me anything. It was me who had so much to make up to her.
‘I don’t think it took you a while. I think you move quickly. Some people spend their whole lives searching and die still not knowing where they belong,’ I said. I really liked that about Emma, after everything she had been through in life, she never stopped following her heart and let it direct her in places she really wanted to be. It was inspiring to me.
‘I don’t know if a physical place is what really gives you the feeling of belonging. I love it here, I do. But I love it here because it’s where I found myself. It’s where I stopped searching and realised that everything, I wanted was already in me. I didn’t need a place or a person to make me feel like I belonged. I just had to own who I knew I already was and show that to the world,’ she said. I knew she was right, she sounded right, maybe I just hadn’t experienced what she was speaking about. But I wanted to.
‘I think you could live in a different place every single day for the rest of your life if you let yourself belong to your own body and soul.’ My heart burned at her words and a lump started to appear in my throat. She was talking with ease about the very thing I had always struggled with within myself. What did it truly mean to make art just for myself, without the validation of others? If I was looking to belong, what was I looking to belong to?
‘What made you change your mind about seeing me today?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know,’ she said, staring right at me.
‘I’m glad you did.’
‘I’m still unsure if it was a good idea,’ she said. Her eyes locked on mine, they looked guarded, protected.
‘I understand,’ I said. She kept her knees tucked in. I felt the hurt in her, I didn’t know what else to say. ‘I really like your thoughts on home being a feeling within us.’ I wonder what adventures she had been on in the past couple of years that bought her here to this very moment and her amazing mind. She glowed by being nothing but herself. ‘Imagine, if the whole world thought the way you do,’ I said, smiling fondly.
‘There would be no beauty in that. I think I love how we all walk a different path, have different challenges, beliefs, thoughts, and dreams. Isn’t that what makes us all beautiful?’ she said, shrugging.
‘What was the moment that led you to that very belief?’ I asked. Trying to learn more about what had been happening in her world in the past year.
‘That we’re all beautiful?’ she asked.
‘No. That you won’t find a home in a place, you’ll only find it in yourself,’ I said.
‘Someone broke my already fragile heart,’ she said. I didn’t speak, she looked right at me, and I knew that she was talking about me. I knew that I was the one that had hurt her. I didn’t know what to say. My heart dropped to my stomach and my eyes didn’t leave her gaze. How could I have hurt someone so God damn beautiful? It was a horrible feeling. To know that I had passed on my own pain to another. It wasn’t fair one bit. She didn’t deserve it; she didn’t deserve to get caught up in any of my bullshit in the past. But I kept pulling her into it.
‘But it wasn’t long before I realized it was the break I needed. The one that finally broke me open to myself,’ she said. I leaned in slightly towards her, placing my hand on her foot. ‘My heart was really shattered. I felt exposed. I couldn’t hide it away any more. I had to own it, step into it. Make a home for it, as much as I don’t like to admit it, the hurt was the best thing that had ever happened to me.’ I felt sick, I didn’t know whether I should be happy for her or so fucking ashamed of my actions. All I knew was I wanted to hold her, I wanted to hug her and wrap her up so badly. Take away any of her other pains. ‘I finally cracked open. And now I belong to myself, no matter where this crazy life takes me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, it was the only pathetic apology that escaped my mouth.
She dropped her gaze from mine. ‘It’s almost sunset, we should sit outside and watch it. Would you like a tea or a glass of water?’ she asked, walking over to her kitchen bench.
‘I’d love a tea,’ I said.
‘I only have herbal.’
‘Even better, what ones have you got?’
‘Liquorice, peppermint, lemon, and ginger.’ She reeled off her list.
‘Peppermint, please.’
She flicked the bottom of her loud, white kettle and grabbed two white mugs out of a top shelf in her kitchen popping one peppermint bag into each.
‘I didn’t picture you a peppermint tea drinker,’ she said as she slowly poured boiled water into each mug.
‘I love peppermint tea. I drink it every day. It’s good for my throat when I sing. Maybe there is a lot that you don’t know about me,’ I said.
She laughed. ‘I think I know the important things.’
