‘I don’t know about that,’ I said.
‘How about just one dinner, just catch-up. I’ll come to you.’
‘Luc, no. You had your chance,’ I said, pleading he would stop, he was not making this any easier.
‘But to run into each other again like this, don’t you think it’s something that should be explored.’ I felt the churn in my stomach rise up to my throat. His words made me angry.
‘I’ve explored these encounters with you before, I know where they end up. I’m not putting myself through this again,’ I said. I went to turn away again, but Lucas grabbed my hand.
‘I have so much to apologise to you for, I know that,’ he said, meeting my gaze, his eyes where pleading with mine.
‘You don’t have to apologise, it is, what it is. It’s in the past, let’s just leave it there.’ I turned walking towards my front gate. I couldn’t have any more of this conversation with him. What killed me the most was how much I wanted to say yes.
Lucas raised his voice as I walked further away. ‘I know you don’t want to see me. I completely understand. But I feel so lucky that I got to run into you,’ he said. I stopped walking and turned back towards him, hoping he would lower his voice and not wake up the whole apartment building. ‘I’m going to be back up here Friday, and I would love to see you.’
I didn’t say anything, I just stood still, staring at him. He stood with his palms open, his eyes sincere. But my heart still hurt and a lump in my throat began to rise. I turned away and let myself into my front gate.
I walked up the stairs, unlocking my apartment door. Kicking my shoes off in the hallway. I threw my jacket on the couch and pulled the dress over my head letting it lay on the bedroom floor as I crawled into bed and lay still underneath the doona. I didn’t care how much sand I had on my body, I needed the comfort of being grounded hidden away under the blanket to slow down my breath, calm my heart and feel through my confused thoughts.
What the fuck just happened? Why does he keep showing up in my life like this? No. This isn’t okay. I’m good, I can’t let him creep in. Part of me wanted to show him what he had lost, make him beg for my time and attention. But the more I thought about it, the less I really cared. He was one of the most adored people I knew. But I didn’t believe he had the capacity to experience the full essence of love that he wanted or deserved. If he still didn’t know how to give it to himself, he couldn’t give it to anyone else I couldn’t put myself through that rollercoaster again.
Chapter 11 — Him
Hey Emma, I know you made it clear you don’t want to see me. But I did say I would let you know when I’m in town. I’m here and I really would like to just have one dinner with you.
My phone buzzed in my hand almost straight away as I sat on the beach in the afternoon, with my mate Ben, another DJ. We rarely got to see each other outside of the club scene, but Ben had just moved an hour from my place, not too far from Emma’s new apartment. I was nervous about her reaction. I feared her rejection. I took a deep breath and clicked on her message.
Come over at 5 p.m.
See you then.
I replied straight away and checked the time. It was 3.35 p.m. ‘She said yes,’ I said to Ben who was sitting next to me. I lay back down on my beach towel with the biggest smile on my face. I was so excited to see her. Even just to spend an hour with her. I had really hoped she would have said yes, I had a change of clothes in my car.
‘What did she say?’ asked Ben.
‘She said come over at five p.m.’
‘Luc, we better head back to mine. You’ll need a shower,’ said Ben, standing up at the same time as me, we grabbed our towels and walked towards the car park. ‘You can’t mess it up this time. Just tell her what you told me, be real and honest with her.’ I nodded, he was right.
I’m here. I sent her a text as I pulled up into a park outside the front of her apartment. It was five p.m. I looked up and she was already standing at the bonnet of my car, wearing blue denim shorts and a white t-shirt. Her hair was natural and flowing. It had gotten so long, it really suited her.
I opened the door and let myself out of the car. ‘You look great,’ I said. My heart beating quickly out of rhythm as I saw her wearing a pair of denim shorts and a white linen top. Her long hair flowing over her shoulders, just how I loved it.
‘Welcome,’ she said, a little reserved, ‘would you like to come in?’
‘Absolutely,’ I said, my voice high with too much enthusiasm.
She turned around and walked back up to the main gate. I noticed her strut from years before had changed. She stood tall, but she was almost floating, natural and comfortable as she swiped her key and the front gate and led me up a set of side stairs that opened onto the second level of the apartment building. I followed her up a long hallway until she stopped at a door. Turning the key in the lock, she let herself into the room first and held the door open to me. I walked into her hallway. At the end of the hallway was an open living area with a small kitchen, dining table, and a two-seater beige couch placed in front of the TV. Next to the TV were two open sliding doors. I walked through the living area and through the doors to look at the balcony outside. A couple of other buildings were in the way of full beach views, but the sun still shined onto the small balcony and between the building you could see the waves roll in. I turned around and stood in the doorway looking at her walk through the living room. She took a seat on the couch, curling her legs up into her chest. She looked so comfortable.
‘I really like your place,’ I said.
‘Thanks, I really like it too,’ she said, her smile widened as she gazed around her own place.
My eyes darted around the living area looking at how she had decorated the place. She had a small glass dining table with four crisp white chairs, a bunch of white, green, and pink flowers sat in a glass vase in the middle of it. A white, textured throw draped over the left corner of her beige couch. Her TV cabinet was a light rattan and it matched the two-seater rattan lounge chair that sat in the corner of the balcony in the sun. It had two white cushions sitting on it that looked like they matched the same texture as the throw that was on the couch. I could imagine her sitting there in the sun of the morning. Sipping on the coffee, peeping through the buildings to look at the waves, before diving into pages of a book that took her to another land.
‘I’ve never been in your space before. It’s interesting. I like it,’ I said as I walked around the main living area of her place.
‘Yeah, I can tell you’re having a good look around. What are you learning about me?’ she said, watching me from the couch.
