‘It’s funny… how we talk about the moon and the stars,’ said Lucas, ‘Aim for the moon and you’ll land amongst the stars they say. Why are we always aiming for something so far out of reach? What if what is meant for us, is right in front of us on this earth, which is better than the moon and the stars.’ I smiled, then again, maybe he hadn’t changed at all.
‘I thought you were the king of big dreams.’
He laughed. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m a hypocrite.’
‘You’re not a hypocrite. I think you’ve just got a busy mind. You can’t think and feel at the same time you know,’ I said. He looked at me like I had just said something he really needed to hear. There was a lot I wanted to tell him, that I thought about repeatedly for months after the last time we spoke. Now felt like it was my chance. ‘I love having big dreams and goals and thinking about the legacy that I want to leave behind, you’re the one who taught me that. But they have only become truly meaningful to me once I follow through on my own dreams. The ones that are for no one else’s heart but my own,’ I said. I think he had forgotten how much I really knew him. I think he forgot how alike we really were.
‘You’re so right,’ he said, ‘you’ve always been so smart.’ He paused, keeping his eyes on the stars. ‘I’ve spent a lot of years grinding away for the validation of others. That exact reason is what has got me to where I am today. But I won’t let it be the driving force on where I go from here. It needs to change, it has to,’ he said. Two years and one month since I had last seen him, and maybe in all those days, he had stayed completely the same.
‘Wow, Lucas Jones growing up?’ I said, I knew it was a stab, but I hoped he sensed some sarcasm in my voice.
‘I’ve been going through a bit of a transition lately. I think it’s a new chapter. The next version of me. This one, feels more me, I guess,’ he said. He did seem happier, and as much hurt as I had felt from his actions years before, I was happy for him. I thought if I ever got this moment to be sitting next to him again, I would have the chance to stab him right back, indent a little bit of pain that he had passed on to me, but now, it didn’t matter. We were just two friends with an intertwined past.
‘How does it feel to be peeling back the layers?’ I asked, sitting up and poking at the middle of his chest.
‘As though none of this matters,’ he said. He sat up wiggling around and pulling at his clothes. ‘Why do we care so much about how we look. About how other people perceive us. Imagine what the world would be like if we all learned how to communicate without our insecurities.’ I could see the twinkle in his eye starting to take over and there it was, this is what felt different about him.
‘Imagine if we didn’t have a body. Imagine we are seventy years in the future, and science is so advanced they could dissect our consciousness from our body. Imagine if all we were was souls, in a jar. Communicating and understanding each other completely,’ he said. I understood what he was talking about. But part of me thought he was a bit muddled in between his own thoughts. Lost between wanting to strip back his life, eliminating the bullshit, and getting caught up in a world far beyond him. One that he didn’t need to be in yet, one where we might miss the overall meaning of living.
‘We already are that, right here, right now. Except right now, we have a body as our vessel. Why wait for the possibilities of the future, when we can experience everything, we want to, right now?’ I said, my eyes glaring deeper into his.
‘You’ve got it all figured out, Em. You always have,’ he said, looking out towards the waves. He grabbed my hand, holding it tightly in his lap with both of his hands, I looked down, trying to pull away but he squeezed it tighter. ‘I need to apologise to you. You didn’t deserve the unexplained ending. You deserved so much more than that,’ he said, his voice was soft and cracking with nerves. I didn’t know what to say, he did hurt me. I wasn’t expecting to be lying here with him today, talking about it. He gave me no real explanation, no closure. I didn’t regret what had happened, I was happy with where I ended up, but I wasn’t going to accept his apology and tell him how he ended it was okay.
I pulled my hand out of his hold, hugging my legs into my chest. We sat in silence for what felt like half an hour, looking up at the stars. Listening to nothing but the waves crash in not too far from our feet.
Lucas jumped up, shaking the sand off his jeans and then holding out his hand to me once again. I didn’t take it. ‘C’mon,’ said Lucas, ‘I’ll give you a lift home.’
‘It’s fine, I literally live five minutes up the road,’ I said, sitting up.
‘It is pretty dark,’ he said.
I couldn’t be bothered arguing. ‘Okay,’ I said, giving in quickly, stood up not taking his hand and together we walked back towards the carpark.
It felt strange being back in his car. Almost like I was stepping back into a past life. But as my present self. Maybe that’s what this whole meeting was, aligning the past with the present. Why was he here? My mind flooded with thoughts, trying to place an explanation a meaning to exactly why this was happening, why I was running into him, again.
‘I’m here on the left,’ I said, pointing to the front driveway of my apartment complex.
‘How long have we known each other?’ he asked, as we pulled up.
I met his gaze, wondering why he asked me that. ‘I don’t know maybe over three years.’ I said.
‘It’s crazy that we are here right now,’ he said as he turned off the ignition to his car. ‘Why do you think it is that we keep meeting like this?’
‘Where probably Soulmates, Twin Flames, something like that,’ I joked, trying to make some light of the situation, rolling my eyes at the same time. He stared at me wide eyed. ‘Honestly, I wouldn’t read into it, it is what it is, nothing but a random coincidence,’ I said. I just wanted to get out of the car. I felt my stomach starting to churn I wasn’t too sure if it was from too much alcohol and not enough food or old emotions of the past, I needed time to sit with and digest.
I opened the door, jumping out of the car, he followed my lead and hopped out the same time as me. He walked over to me on the passenger side of the car, leaning in for a hug. I knew how goodbyes felt with him. As much as I wanted to feel his lips again, I shied away moving my head over his shoulder so he couldn’t place his lips anywhere near my face when he leaned in to hug me.
He pulled back from his embrace keeping both his hands onto my shoulders, lightly holding me. ‘And now you’re here and…’
‘And the rest is history,’ I said, turning away from the car, I walked towards the gates towards my apartment building. It felt like my revenge. My ending. My ending to an open wound. An unsealed love. I guess after all this time, it had never properly ended.
I felt a hand tap my shoulder. I slightly jumped and turned around.
‘Em.’ Lucas stood opposite me.
‘Yes,’ I said, staring at him blankly, trying to keep my calm and look careless. I had no idea what my face looked like right now. But my slightly drunk brain told me I was pulling it off.
‘I want to see you again,’ he said. I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. This moment was all I had dreamed of, to run into him again. To have him wanting me. To have him regret leaving. ‘I really want to see you again,’ he repeated, his eyes wide and glued on mine, emphasising the ‘really.’
