‘I could ask you the same thing,’ he said.
I leaned in smiling placing my hand on the side of his head. ‘Are we the same person in there? Do we mysteriously have the same parents, or God, or whatever, were we cut from the same star?’ I laughed, pulling away looking up at the night sky.
He laughed, his eyes wandering over me, but his body tensed.
I ignored his reaction, finishing dinner as we sat in silence with full bellies amongst the empty plates. ‘I like being here,’ I said, it poured out of my mouth with ease, I didn’t mean to say it, but I was so relaxed in the moment. Each week I leaned further and further into his presence. His fantasy world was now a blurred line with my reality.
‘It’s fun having you here,’ he said. The emphasis on the word ‘fun’ made me cringe. Of course, he said that. Why was I expecting anything else? My mind ran straight into a one-minute spin of absolute negativity swirling around my body. I wrapped my arms around myself to protect my open heart. My mind ran rampant with all my insecurities and self-doubt completely unleashed in a moment.
‘Yeah… fun…’ I said. My body tensed as my mind physically beat me with the most hurtful words. Words I could never seem to shake. Words that froze my body and dived my mind back into the past.
People always leave.
It was only ever meant to be momentary, good things don’t last forever.
He’s too good for you.
How dare you think someone could ever love you?
God damn it, why did you even speak up? Everything was perfect, and now you have ruined it by getting your feelings involved. Why are you so dumb?
The negative swirl made me so dizzy I wanted to vomit. As hard as it was, I had to speak up and say something for my own health ‘So, I guess that’s what this is… just fun?’ I said. Lucas seemed a little shocked by my sudden change of mood.
‘Are you not having fun?’ he asked. I sighed and sat back, annoyed by the backhanded comment. But I couldn’t just brush it off, I couldn’t hold my heart back any longer.
‘I am having fun. I enjoy spending time with you. I just. I guess I need to know where I stand. I’m okay if this is just fun,’ I paused nervously, ‘but I do deserve to know how you feel about me.’ I was glad I finally let the words escape from my mouth, but nervous for his answer. Lucas looked at me intently while I spoke, and his gaze drifted off into the distance. I could tell he was gathering his thoughts, but I felt sick in the night-time silence. My body was frozen still, waiting, my mind was processing a million thoughts of what he could be thinking.
Was he trying to find a nice way to let me down?
Did he know how he felt about me?
Did I push a button I shouldn’t have?
For god’s sakes, Luc, just say anything…
His eyes darted past me. Was he nervous, or was he lying? ‘I guess I can’t find the words right now. I feel a little bit broken. Not from any previous relationships. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel broken, as though I’m not too sure I know how to let someone in completely, I’m still unsure if I can. I have been thinking about us.’ He said, his eyes still darting as he spoke, choking on every second word. My body didn’t move, my face remained still. He sat up in his chair, turning towards me, finally meeting my gaze and placing his hand on my knee. I felt my body tense more with the feeling of his hand on my skin. At this point I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know whether I should enjoy it or run from the feeling. Run before I let myself get hurt. Maybe it was too late. ‘I know that I really enjoy being around you, we do have so much fun together. But I guess music will always come first for me. I don’t know if it’s fair to let someone else come second best,’ he said. My stomach churned with each one of his words. I could tell he didn’t know how to feel. ‘I’m sorry that was probably all a jumbled ramble that made no sense.’
‘All I heard was a lot of…I.’ I mumbled. It was true, his words where just a selfish jumble of unsureness.
‘And still, I didn’t really give you an answer, did I?’ he said.
‘I think I’ve always known the answer.’ His hand left my knee and I sat up straight. ‘I think I should go home,’ I said.
‘No, it’s dark already. We can have an early night here. You don’t have to go. I really am confused. I am. I love being around you. And this thing we have it, it’s just really different for me, it’s weird, it’s sometimes, I don’t know we do feel like the same person, you, you get me, I don’t want you to go, not tonight stay tonight,’ he said. The more he said, the more I wanted to vomit. I knew he was a confused mess, but I’d let myself relax into that, I’d pushed it to the side, getting lost in his touch, in us, our connection that almost felt, as though I’d met him before. I’d let myself fall in love.
He loved being around me.How dare he throw around the words I’ve always wanted to hear. Instead of saying more, I stopped the conversation right there. I avoided any more confrontation. I couldn’t hurt myself any more tonight, I knew I couldn’t demand answers from a completely unsure man. Sometimes silence said more than words.
I stood up out of my chair. ‘Then let’s clean these plates up and have an early night.’
I walked the plates inside, holding my best poker face, not giving away the intense churning of my heart and stomach, I bit on to my bottom lip to stop it from trembling.
I woke the next morning alone in bed. I sat up to see Lucas’s back turned to me as he was sitting at his desk fully dressed, I could see the many emails that were open in front of him.
‘Morning,’ I said, my voice croaky.
Lucas spun around in his chair.
‘Morning, did you sleep well?’ he said, looking half shocked to see me, but his voice was more enthusiastic than mine.
