Chapter Forty-Seven
Ivan
I thought livingwithout Poppy Fairchild was enough to kill me. I didn’t realize how wrong I was. Nothing was worse than living near her, but knowing she hated me. Nothing was worse than watching her grieve, day in and day out, and it was all of my fault.
Self-loathing was a new companion of mine, and all I wanted to do was make it right. My mother tried her best to be there for the both of us, but I could see it was taking even more of a toll on Poppy. Instead of monopolizing my mother’s time, I kept to myself. Instead of accompanying Poppy wherever she needed to go—even hot yoga— I sent one of my mother’s guards instead. It was better this way. I would pretend like I was still doing my job, and when the time was right, before the wedding, I would disappear back to my cabin in the mountains and live the life of solitude I was destined to have. She would marry Donovan and live a better life than having to look at her father’s murderer every secondof the day, and I would only have the memories to serve me… if they even could at this point. Every thought of her was physically painful.
The grannies paid me a visit after three weeks of being absent from Poppy and Jane’s lives. I made sure I knew her schedule so I could be gone when she was home and home when she was gone. It was easier forherthis way, even if it felt like I’d ripped out my own heart and lit it on fire.
They watched me with calculating eyes as I stared vacantly at them. I wanted to tell them that this was all their fault. I wanted to rage and throw a fit, but I knew those things wouldn’t serve me. At the end of the day, this was what I did.
“This is quite honestly… pathetic.” Nana shook her head, disappointment in all of her features.
“What would you like me to do?” I leaned back in my mother’s chair. I’d taken up using her study. It was full of books and smelled like her. It was calming since I’d given her up so Poppy could have someone.
Grandmother tapped her cane on the wooden floor three times. “You should fight for her.”
The bitter laugh that exploded from me startled all of us. “I killed her father. I’m lucky I’m not behind bars, or better yet, at the bottom of the Hudson already. I guess I should have gone home and could have avoided both of those endings, but I’m a sucker for pain, I suppose.”
“Well,” Nana leaned back in her own chair. “You’ve done your job, so if you would like to return back to your hovel, we won’t tell.”
By all means, I should have. There was nothing left for me here.
Alexei and Audrey were still wrapped up in the longest honeymoon known to man. Carina and Ace were waiting for their baby—whenever that was supposed to happen. How longwasa pregnancy anyway? Dimitri and Scarlett were hunting for something, but I had a feeling it was more of asomeone. And Griffin kept sending me TikToks that made absolutely no sense and had zero context. My life here had fractured into pieces that didn’t fit anymore. All the parts of it had moved forward without me.
“If you do go back to the mountains,” Grandmother finished. “You’ll be running away, and I don’t think that’s a characteristic any of our grandsons carry. You are not a failure, you are not a wimp, and you most certainly aren’t a coward.”
I felt like all of the above, but saying that out loud would get me nowhere; this I knew more than anything else.
“After all, you could have told her everything. You could have explained it all to her, even if it would be painful, and you didn’t.” Nana tilted her head in my direction as she adjusted her oversized fur coat. “You let her believe that he was just a hit when you know it’s so much bigger than that.”
They both stood up slowly as they stared at me, but neither one of them said another word. They were gone faster than they came.
I was sitting on the couch, clicking mindlessly through different channels—not really paying attention but trying to keep my mind busy when Poppy flew through the front door. She had hot yoga this morning, but instead of the skimpy, provocative outfit she wore when I was around, she wore an oversized t-shirt with joggers. Satisfaction hummed through me until I saw the splotchy, red rage on her face. My eyebrows lifted on my forehead, and I prepared for whatever her grief would bring out this time. I knew anger was one of the stages of grief, but I didn’t think she would come at me with it. It was a new, nice change of events.
“You!” She shouted, and I winced. I wasn’t running; if she wanted to pound me into the ground, I would gladly let her. “Tell me you didn’t do it!”
My eyes bounced around the room as if the walls held context to whatever fit she was about to throw. Her face was red, and most of the little baby hairs around her face were stuck to her skin; sweat still rolled down the side of her neck, and I was having a hard time focusing on her rage. I thought I’d liked the skimpy outfit the most, but this one was doing something to me, too. Maybe it was just a Poppy problem, and she could wear a garbage bag. “Do what?”
Her chest huffed and puffed as she let out a hysterical laugh. “My brothers!”
“What about them?” I had a sinking feeling in my chest that the reapers had gotten to them.
“They’re dead!” She shrieked.
My face fell, and I went to stand. She held up both hands, closed her eyes, and took a step back.
“Poppy, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say. but no, I didn’t have anything to do with their deaths.” Though, I definitely knew who did, but I wasn’t going to damn myself again.
Tears leaked from her eyes as she nodded her head. “How do I know you aren’t lying?”
I shrugged. “Why would I lie? You already know the absolute worst thing I could ever do. Why would I do this and keep it from you? You already hate me.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Prove it.”
“Prove it?” I asked, incredulously. “How would I do that?”
“Where were you this morning at nine am?”
