“Dane, I’d never,everout you before you’re ready,” he says fiercely. “You should know that.”
He sounds reproachful and a little hurt. I grab his hands and hold them tight like an anchor.
“I know, I know. I just panicked. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he says.
We take a moment to collect ourselves, walking through the Christmas lights side by side. After a while I glance down at him. He looks deep in thought, hands stuffed in his pockets, the Santa hat looking oddly lighthearted compared to his attitude.
“I shouldn’t have expected you to kiss me at school,” he mutters. “I shouldn’t have assumed you would want to.”
“Ididwant to.”
“You know what I mean. I shouldn’t have tried in public.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say.
Anger builds somewhere deep within me. Why should he have to think like that? Worry if it would piss people off or worse? Half the people who kissed there were school bullies, but everyone cheered and wolf-whistled for them anyway because it was expected. Even if they hated them.
Why couldn’t Alex and I have had that reaction?
“When we get home I’m going to tell my family about you,” I say. “About us.”
He glances up at me, his gaze tentative. “There’s anus?” he says.
“If you want there to be.”
His smile tells me all I need to know. Happiness warms me right through. Even the freezing Edinburgh night is no match for that feeling.
“How do you think your dad will react?” Alex says.
“Don’t care.”
It’s not quite the truth, but close enough. I want Alex more than I want Dad’s approval.
“We don’t have to rush,” Alex says.
“I’ve made you wait long enough. And I’ve hurt you enough.”
“You weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me. I know that.”
“I still wish I hadn’t.”
He nods, looking up at me, and he looks so beautiful with his cheeks flushed from the cold and his eyes all big and wondering as he processes everything. I have to give him another kiss right here in the middle of the crowded market. The world doesn’t stop. No one says anything or bumps into us intentionally. Granted it’s the middle of a major city, and so busy most people don’t even notice us. Doesn’t mean it would be this easy everywhere. Like, for example, at home.
Even so, it loosens something inside me. I think I might be ready.
Chapter 13
Alex
We climb the winding stairs to our hotel room—there’s no lift in a building this old. My chest tightens with nerves. Dane and I are going to fuck now. We’ve done it before, obviously, but this will be the first time that it’s… what?Real?That’s not quite the right word. Our attraction was never in doubt. But there was so much anger between us. It seeped into everything we did, including sex. I’m curious how different it’ll feel now that resentment has been replaced by tenderness. It’s our first time after a real date. After the Christmas market he took me out to dinner at an Italian restaurant that was way too expensive. I’ll have to do something about this habit of paying for everything, but I need to figure out a gentle way of insisting. I don’t want to introduce any new animosity. Selfishly, I’m too addicted to the way he looks at me now. I never knew those ice-blue eyes could warm up so much.
We go into the tiny ensuite bathroom to wash off the grime of the plane journey and the city. Dane starts to strip down, one item at a time, neat and methodical, while I kick off my trousers and throw my clothes from here. They just manage to land over a chair in the bedroom. He laughs at the difference between us, then holds out his arms in a lazy invitation. I let him reel me in, loving the warmth of his strong torso as he presses me close.
“Leave the Santa hat on,” he murmurs, grabbing at the white furry pompom. “I like how you look in the Santa hat.”
“Do you have a hat thing?”
