All of this was a bit more mothering than Clay was used to, but was accompanied by sweet kisses on his nose, and gentle fingers carding his hair back from his eyes.
Best of all was in the evening when Austin’s gaze would grow quiet and careful. He’d look at Clay like Clay was the most adorable, the most handsome, the most desirable man toeverwalk the Earth. All of this stroked Clay’s ego good and fine. And when Austin’s arms came around him, he felt wrapped up in warmth and light and love and knew he could do anything,beanything, he wanted to be. All he wanted to do was to be near Austin, always.
Which made the conversation Clay wanted to have with Austin fill him with trepidation. Would Austin, who’d never been with a man other than Clay, and who had horror stories about Mona and their sex life that he finally shared with Clay, be willing to give Clay what he needed?
But then, did Clay really need to be fucked up the ass or was it merely something he wanted?
And how was he going to broach the subject with a man who had moments of blushing timidity about sex woven in among his growing boldness, his desire for Clay expressed in kisses and looks and long, lingering touches right before Austin tackled Clay to the bed?
Maybe he should do what Leland always advised, which was to just come out with it and tell the truth.
He gave his still-damp hair a quick pat as he heard the front door to the tiny cabin open, and Austin called out, “Honey I’m home!” like he was the lead role in an old black and white sitcom about small town living. Clay smiled at himself then raced through the small living room to help Austin with the two grocery bags he was carrying.
“Did you get the right kind?” asked Clay. “It’s important because Cap’n Crunch is the best. Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries is a sad, disgusting nightmare, especially for a small kid who is still growing.”
“Yeah,” said Austin, laughing as he followed Clay into the kitchenette. “She’s going to flipoutwhen she learns that Sunday night dinner is going to be sugary cereal and ice cream.”
“And why are we doing this again?” asked Clay, as they put everything away. “Seriously, even I know that much sugar isn’t good for her.”
“Because,” said Austin, after he kissed Clay on the nose. “She’s a good kid, and she deserves to totally have her way sometimes, and sit in her Lilo and Stitch pajamas, and stuff as much sugar into her mouth as she wants while watchingMoanaover and over till she passes out.”
“So—” started Clay, thinking that this might be a good way to begin a conversation about what he wanted. “So, you think people should go all out sometimes? With having what they want, I mean?”
It might have been the phrasing of the question or it might have been the tone in Clay’s voice, but Austin shut the fridge, his hands going still as he looked at Clay with those beautiful green eyes of his.
“Are we talking in general terms here?” asked Austin, all of his attention focused on Clay. “Or is it something more specific than that?”
As always, Austin liked for things to be laid out, either in numbers or lists. Which might have made him sound really anal retentive at one point, but now Clay knew him better. He felt he knew Austin so well, in fact, that when he told Austin which one it was, he knew Austin would shift his attention to better get to the heart of the matter, to better give Clay what he needed.
“More specific,” said Clay. His hands went in his pockets, and though he was barefooted, he scuffed his toe along the wooden floor and shrugged. “Specific about me, I mean.”
“Oh?” asked Austin, his voice growing soft. “Is there something I’ve done wrong?”
Mona’s mark had left very deep scars inside of Austin to the point where, when Clay wanted something, Austin immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was in error for not figuring out by osmosis what Clay needed.
Clay knew he needed to disabuse Austin of that notion, and to do that, he was going to have to lay himself bare. He was going to have to peel a little skin back and make himself vulnerable. In short, he was going to have to tell Austin the truth.
“No,” he said. “It’s not something you’ve done or not done. It’s something I need. Okay?” Clay took both of Austin’s hands in his, then placed them on his chest. “I need it and it’s hard for me to tell you, being that you’re a new gay an’ all.”
“I’m notthatnew,” said Austin, scoffing.
“Well, you’re new to this,” said Clay. “Or am I mistaken that you tole me Mona never liked butt stuff, so you never did it.”
“Butt stuff.” Austin side-eyed Clay as he leaned back against the fridge, pulling Clay with him till they were hip to hip. “Go on.”
“To begin with,” said Clay, forcing a bit of a laugh. “My anus is not bleached, so let’s be clear about that.”
“Okay,” said Austin. “Why does that matter?”
“So here’s the thing—” Clay nodded, doing his best to look Austin straight in the eyes as he told his truth. “Before you, I liked to have these one-off flings with strangers. Behind the Rusty Nail and the Stampede Saloon. Remember? I told you that, right?”
“You mentioned it, yes,” said Austin. “You were doing that when you were the randy ranch hand before you became the almost-not-tall-enough Viking.”
“I thought I could find love that way,” said Clay, the words coming out in a rush. “And of course I was wrong, but I miss it—”
“What do you miss?” asked Austin. He pulled Clay even closer and kept him there, his arms around Clay’s waist. Their hips pressed together, their hearts beat together, and in that moment it seemed as though Austin had already said yes to whatever it was Clay wanted, without Clay having to say a word.
He was going to say the words anyway. Biting his lower lip, he tensed all of his muscles like he was going to have to walk through fire.
