“Hmm?”
“Whenyoufinally break. What do you do?”
He swirls the amber liquid in his glass. “Those are the times I call uponmySir.” He wistfully smiles. “He’smyHigher Power. Going forward, you must forge a different relationship with Leo. One where you can totally let go to him.
I must be wearing a “look.”
Kev laughs. “You think you know what submission is now, but trust me when I say the previous dynamic you have with Leo will look like the shallow end of the pool within the first hundred days.”
He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, the glass clasped in his hands, where he slowly rolls it back and forth between his palms. “You will hit dark days where you’re barely hanging on, because you’ve not only drained your well, but you’re digging through the bottom of it by hand to desperately find a single drop of water to wring out of yourself and give to your boy.
“Onthosedays, you will go to your Sir when you can snag a minute you should be wolfing down a meal or taking a shit, and basically throw yourself at his feet while begging him to unplug your mind for those precious few moments you can scratch out of the schedule.”
His gaze takes on faraway depths that I suspect I will personally become familiar with when I look in a mirror. “I guarantee you onthosedays you will need your Sir’s strength to bolster your own. So that when you finally suck in a breath and return to Elliot’s side, you’ll once again be that man’s strong Sir.”
Then he sadly smiles. “At least your boy, unlike my girl, doesn’t have a fickle stomach that sometimes forces her to go days without food.”
“I…I didn’t know that.” Leo never told me that.
Leaves me wondering what else I might not know about.
“And that’s my point.” He takes another sip of whisky. “If you do your job properly, whatever little things secretly rot portions of Elliot’s grip on sanity and control will forever remain hidden from everyone. At least from everyone besides you andyourSir.”
Except there are things deeply hidden in my soul that Elliot can never learn about.
Neither can Leo.
I won’t share that burden with either of them.
I can’t.
Do I feel guilty about it?
That’s relative, I suppose. Grace felt zero compunction about ruining lives or using people. She would have ruined Elliot, one way or another. I have no doubts that, had I not intervened, she would have shoved me out as soon as she was married to Elliot and engineered something to permanently get me out of the way.
I was absolutely a threat to her.
“What’s that look for?” Kev asks.
I lean forward again. “Between you and me?”
He nods.
“Are there things you’ve kept from Shae and Chris?”
His gaze takes on a faraway look. “There are things that they cannot know about,” he admits. “And if you ever need to darken my door for an ear to bend, I swear to take your secrets to the grave. If that ever happens, I’ll be happy to share a little with you, if needed, to ease your mind about my confidentiality.” He smirks. “Mutually assured destruction.”
His smile fades. “Remember, it’s four years. Eight isn’t guaranteed. Keep the countdown in your head. There is life after the White House. As long as you can keep your boy pointed on a true-north heading so that he’ll be able to sleep at night when he leaves office, you’re doing your job well. Whatever it takes to ensure that, you’ll do it.”
“But willIbe able to sleep at night?” There are times what I did haunts me, keeps me awake and staring at the ceiling, because every time I close my eyes I see Grace’s face in my mind.
So I lie there staring at Elliot’s face and give thanks to a god I don’t believe in any longer that I was able to keep him safe.
This time.
Another smile, this one sad. “Sometimes, it’s satisfying enough to lie awake, staring at the ones you love, and know that theycansleep because you can’t.”
He is absolutely right about that.
