His blue gaze burns with passion, hunger. “I’ve been in love with you ever since I first met you. I was so…angryat Leo for letting you leave. I thought if he had you, maybe he’d hang around long enough for me to get out of office, and he’d keep you with him. I wanted to kill Leo when you left. And then I couldn’t contact you because of how it’d look. I wasn’t even sure you’d want to talk to me, because I suspected you probably left thinking you were a strain on me. I didn’t know for sure, because Leo wouldn’t even talk about you.”
He cries, his tears falling onto my cheeks. “I hated that Chris had you working over in the East Wing and I couldn’t see you all the time. I hated that I never had more than a brief minute or two with you at work, and Leo got you all to himself nearly every night. I hated myself for knowing I couldn’t ask you to be my body man back then, because you would’ve seen the truth about me and how I felt about you. You would’ve had power over me that not even Leo had, and that terrified me. Because I knew once I said yes to you, there was no way in hell I’d ever be able to say no again.”
I want to respond, but my cock has other opinions and chooses that moment to come.
As I catch my breath, I hold Elliot’s head in my hands and stare into his eyes, fuckingstunnedover his admission.
“Why didn’t you tell me before? I tried to get you to take him up on his offer to use me. When I told him I was leaving, I gave him an extra week to try to persuade you to come around. Why didn’t you say anything then?”
He slowly shakes his head, just a little, not enough to dislodge my hands. “It ripped my heart out every time I had to say good-bye to Leo. When I couldn’t hold his hand in public. When I knew I had to be careful even how I looked at him in front of other people, because everyone’s got cell phones. I could never risk a candid photo leaking. It took everything I had to hold my mask in place.
“There was no way in hell I would have survived making love to you, and knowing what your body felt like, and then watching you go home with him every night andnotbeing able to keep you for myself.
“I was used to denying myself. I could handle that. But I knew losing you after finally having you would break me in ways I couldn’t heal from if I let you in and you eventually walked away. I didn’t know if you really wanted me because you were attracted to me, or because Leo wanted you to be with me and you wanted to make him happy.
“The only comfort I had was that when you were with him, I felt happy because Leo wasn’t alone anymore. I knew he made you happy, and you made him happy. That I knew he wouldn’t let you be with anyone else. That he could keep you safe in a way I wouldn’t be able to. That you could have a good life with him, a life youdeservedto have, and freedom to live it. A life and freedom you never could have had if you were with me and it was public knowledge.
“I was afraid to admit to him how I felt about you back then because I was worried you’d think he forced me to say it, or that I was lying just so Leo wouldn’t lose you. Ihonestlythought he’d put his foot down and order you to stay. I never thought he’dletyou’d leave, because I knew how much he loved you. It wasn’t a lie when I told you that you made him happier than I’d ever seen him. It wasn’t a lie when I told you he was miserable after you left, and so was I.
“The thing is, I wasn’t jealous that you were with Leo. Ever. I wasneverjealous about that. I was jealous thathegot to haveyouand Icouldn’t. Yes, I was terrified, worrying that my secret might one day get out. I knew Leo could handle the backlash if it did. That he’d even welcome a public spectacle, because it would mean I’d finally let him marry me. All I wanted was for him to hold on to you long enough, until I finally left office and could focus on making you fall in love with me without being in the spotlight anymore and risking your career.”
He slowly shakes his head again. “I could never let anything like that happen to you. It would destroy me to know you were hurt because of me. I was terrified to tell you how I felt back then because I didn’t know how you really felt about me. Every day, I fell a little more in love with you.
“ Then, you left. While you were gone, I used the burner phone to stalk Facebook and Instagram and look at your pictures. I was desperate for any glimpse I could get of you. Once I got you back, I was hoping you would fall as deeply in love with me as I’ve been with you for all these years. I wanted a chance to show you how I really felt about you. I was scared he’d leave me once you returned, so that’s why I got you to promise that you’d stay with me. I knew you wouldn’t break a promise. It’s also why I made you turn your phone off. I was hoping you two would fight, and that it would make you want to side with me until I could figure out how to keep both of you.
“Yeah, I’ve lied to you, and to Leo. But only because I’ve loved you ever since that day when I walked into Shae’s campaign headquarters and met you in person for the first time. The only thing that terrified me more than the thought of losing Leo was the thought of never seeing you again.”
Fuuuuuck.
Now I’m crying, too. Because I look back at the six years I was with Leo before I left and…
I can see everything. Every look Elliot sent my way, every word Elliot uttered. I see them all in an entirely new and heartbreaking context.
I also realize that maybe I was unduly harsh on Leo immediately upon my return. “All those times you watched us, and I thought you were angry because of how Leo was looking at me—”
“It was because he could be with you and I couldn’t. Because I wanted to be with you. I wished it was me you were looking at like that. I wanted it to beme.”
#holyshit
“I wish you’d told me sooner, El. We would’ve figured something out.”
He squeezes his eyes closed, his voice now a pained whisper. “I was scared. I wassoscared you’d only want me because Leo wanted me, not because you loved me. And I was scared of Leo leaving me for you. Then you left, and he wouldn’t talk to me about you. I’d been trying to figure out how to get to Tallahassee to see you. To talk to you. I told the director of the field office there to keep an eye on you without you knowing it, because I was going to approach you about working for me. Then they saw Leo stalking you and told me, and when they dug into it, they found out exactly how many times he flew down.”
He opens his eyes. “God, I wanted toscreamat Leo. To beg him to just fucking bring youback. Worse, I couldn’t admit to him what I’d done. Or why. Because that would mean admitting to him I’d held back what I felt about you over all those years. That I’d lied to him. I was terrified he’d hate me for being so afraid, and that he’d walk away from me because of the aggravation and pain I’ve caused him because of my fear. I love him. I couldn’t lose him, too.”
Yeah, now I know what it means to say I’m “reeling.” That’s exactly how I feel. “You had me…followed?”
He laughs. “How do you think they knew exactly where your office and cubicle were? I also saw the video of Leo getting the super to let him into your apartment.”
“Wait…what?”
“You hadn’t been living there a week before they had it bugged and installed a hidden camera.” He slowly kisses me. “It’s amazing the shit you can have done when you’re the VP, friends with POTUS, and cite national security.”
“You mean, President Samuels—”
“Yep.” He grins. “Guess Leo’s not the only stalky one.”
“You…watchedme?” It’s illegal, and admittedly creepy, and…
