I’m never leaving you unless you tell me it’s over.
I love everything about you, all the parts of you.
I think you’re my perfect pet, and I’m so proud you’re mine.
There are layers to his pain as familiar to me as my own. I understand those, and his fear, and his self-labelled “failures.”
Totally get all of that.
I even understand the effects of his family bullshit, to a certain extent.
Even if or when he finds the strength within him to come out, it’s doubtful he’ll proudly march up to his parents’ house with me holding his hand, us wearing matching wedding bands, and announce to them that I’m his husband.
Cue the shower of rainbow glitter spray.
Not.
Igetit.
I’ll also never admit to him that, amid the void between inhaling and exhaling after he told me he’d understand if I ended things with him, there was a flash of relief which took a sledgehammer to my soul and wanted to send me running to Tallahasseetonightto scoop Jordan up and bring him home, where he belongs.
With me.
That I could walk away from Elliot’s self-imposed fear and finally enjoy an easy life with my boy.
Except…I wouldn’t.
Because I would never be able to rid myself of the guilt over walking away from Elliot.
I’dneverforgive myself.
It’d poison everything between me and Jordan, slowly, over time. I would cringe every time Elliot’s name was in the news for some misstep or criticism. I’d hate myself for walking away from him.
I’d always be that guy lying in the plane wreckage on a mountainside, listening to Brad sobbing and apologizing to his wife and kids for dying, and me feeling like a shit for being relieved that I survived, and yet hating myself for not being able to help him.
A couple of hours later, after Elliot’s cried himself to sleep in my arms, I’ve put myself together and let myself out, setting the alarm and locking up after me.
No spankings, tonight. No orgasms, no sex.
Just me holding my guy and wishing I had a magic wand to fix everything.
I’m drained in a bad way.
My well is far past empty. Except I know what I have to do now.
I can’t cancel my plane ticket.
I need to go to Tallahassee, actuallytalkto Jordan, and at the very least hug him one more time, if he’ll let me.
I’ll understand if he won’t.
I need to apologize to Jordan for getting him wrapped up in all of this. Before he fell asleep, Elliot insisted he’s okay with me dating Jordan if Jordan ever returns, but admitted he probably wouldn’t be okay with me ever dating someone else.
I don’t really think hewouldbe okay with me dating Jordan, though. And after all of this, Jordan likely wouldn’t be okay with it, either. Not if I’m still with Elliot. Couldn’t blame him, though.
Yet I need…closure. Is that selfish of me?
It probably is. I admit I’m an asshole.
