It translates to steel in his tone, not merely his steely grip on me. “You don’t leave until you tell me the truth, Leo. Thefulltruth.Whydid Jordan really leave? Was it because of me?”
There’s part of me, the protective Sir that, even though yeah, it’s kind ofmostlyElliot’s fault, I want to protect him. My pet, my boy, the love of my life.
Then there’s the hurting, angry, lonely man wondering why I’m even bothering when it feels like I’m shouldering the bulk of our relationship alone, and have since day one.
I don’t jerk my hand free and opt for the truth while still pulling my punches. “He knows you need me. He made the decision to leave. I didn’t ask him to. I tried to talk him out of it and talk him into staying.”
I force myself to soften my tone. “He knew that, with the campaign coming up, him being in my life would be one more stressor on you that you didn’t need. The boy is very altruistic. No matter how much you don’t like him, you have to give him all due credit for that. He voluntarily walked awayforyou, and he’s protected our secret. He’s never burned us when he had every reason to feel resentful. Especially when he told me I was the love of his life.”
He lets out a sigh as I watch him visibly deflate.
Yep. Hating myself all over again now for not simply lying to him.
“You’ve been miserable ever since he left,” he quietly says. “You’ve been grieving.” He still doesn’t release me.
My emotional fuel tank is now on fumes. “Yeah.” I reach up and massage the back of his head with my free hand, trying to gently derail this conversation. “But I’m herenow, and I loveyou, and I’m not going anywhere, buddy.”
Those three statements are absolutely true.
I’m here.
I love him.
And, despite my pain, I know I’m not strong enough to leave him. I could never hurt him like that. Even I am not that sadistic.
As I watch, he struggles against letting his eyes drop closed, his usual response to me doing this. “This isn’t fair to you.”
“Fair is irrelevant. Wasn’t fair that my fellow agents in that plane had kids, yet the unmarried childless guy is here right now. Isn’t fair that you’re stuck with Duck. Isn’t fair Jordan’s grandmother died before she got to see him do great things, or that his shitty parents disowned him. Life’s not fair. We move on.”
He finally releases me and I spot the tears in his eyes before he closes them. “I understand if you want end things with me and be with him. I know how happy you were with him.”
More guilt. “Hey, no.” I cup the back of his head and gently shake him. “I’mhere, aren’t I? You think I can’t make that call for myself?”
“I mean it, Leo. I love you, but I don’t want you stuck here because I’m your pity fuck.”
“Stop.” I don’t know who’s shocked more by my stern tone—him, or me. He starts to protest and I steamroll him. “That’s a fuckingorder,pet,” I say in full-on Master tone, anger seeping in now. I’m not going to let him chickenshit his way out of this. “You’reforbiddentoeversuggest that again. Ifyouwant me to leave becauseyouwant to end this, thenyouhave to tell methat. Just like when you’re ready for more with me,youneed toaskme for that. I willnotwarn you about this again.”
He’s never given me pushback on a direct order before.
There haven’t been a lot of direct orders Icangive him, knowing that his job and our situation makes things…tricky.
Still, he’s always been my good boy.
And, honestly, there really isn’t any way I can punish him.
When he opens his eyes, yep, I see the tears there, and it breaks my heart.
I wrap my arms around him and pull him against me, burying my face in his hair. “I fell in love with you that first weekend we met, baby,” I whisper to him. “I promised you then and I promise you now that I love you and I’mhere, and I’m just waiting for you to ask. That’sallyou have to do, is to find it within you toaskme. I’m not walking away from you. I love you.”
Please,pleaselet him ask.
Please don’t let all these years have been wasted on useless hope.
He softly weeps. “Why do you put up with me?”
I remove his glasses and set them aside on the nightstand next to me before I shift position so I can pull the length of his body along mine and hold him. I say all the things I’ve said to him before throughout the years, and all these things are true:
I love you.
