All the nights during my campaigns I decompressed, my head in her lap, a desperatelyneeded full reset for me to face the next day head-on and full-throttle.
All those sweet, stolen snippets of time when we had a hotel room for an event and I could spank her, or tie her up and spend an hour or two making her beg for me.
I didn’t only lose the love of my life—I lost the center of my sanity. I could do anything knowing Ellen was in my corner. No shit, she made me feel like Superman.
It was Ellen’s idea for me to run for the state senate. It was her idea for me to think about eyeing the governorship.
It was her idea to think about maybe setting our sights higher once we accomplished that.
She believed in me, in what we could do together to help people. She saw me as the way to make solid, lasting change to help the families of the kids she taught, and those students—andteachers—who’d follow her. To better our state.
Did I enjoy being in office? Parts of it, sure. But it was a means to an end.
Everything I did, I had Ellen in my corner.
Everything I did, I did itbecauseEllen believed in me and suggested it.
Everyone’s going to know what a damn faker I am now.
Case plays dirty, dropping her voice to a whisper only I can hear. “She’d want you to do this—totrustme, and to trust him becauseItrust him.”
My throat dries up, forcing me to swallow. That is my Achilles’ heel with Casey, and forever will be, I’m sure.
She damn well knows it, too. “Okay,” I whisper back.
She scratches the back of my head. “Good boy.”
* * * *
The rest of the afternoon, I’m uncomfortably aware of a new, wary edge in Declan’s gaze. Like he’s afraid I’m going to gooff on him.
That… Ihatethat.
I’ve never beenthatguy before, and I don’t want to start being him now, no matter how shitty my soul feels.
That’s why, little after five, once he’s finished going over some stuff for me regarding committee agendas, I ask him to close my office door so we can talk privately.
I despise that he hesitates, and that when he turns back to me, it’s almost like he’sexpecting me to come after him. How he holds his notepad clutched against him like body armor. Like this, the Alpha guy I watch deal with others is gone, and this man is vulnerable and cautious.
“Please, sit.” I point to the chair he’d occupied.
Once he does, I stand and round my desk, leaning back against it. I take off my glasses and set them on my desk, then shove my hands in my pockets.
“I’m sorry for earlier,” I tell him.
“Sir?” He looks genuinely confused.
“When I went off on Case. I’ll be apologizing to her, too, but she and I go all the way back to college. You know that. I’m sorry I wasn’t professional earlier. I’m under a lot of stress, and I’m exhausted, but that’s no excuse. I appreciate everything you do for me, and not just in the office. I appreciate the errands you’verun for me, and I appreciate all the evening and weekend time you put in. I’m really sorry I blew up, and I’m sorry if I’ve damaged your faith and trust in me.”
If anything, now he looks like he’s more on-guard than he was before. He slowly nods. “It’s all right, sir.”
“No, it’s not all right, but I appreciate you saying that. I’m also going to apologize in advance.”
“Sir?”
I want to stickcapitalS’s on that word every time he says it, regardless of where it appears in a sentence.
“The NGA trip,” I say. “For starters. I’m sure I’m going to be a handful for the flights out and back.
