I don’t respond. What the hell am I supposed to say?
That I’m afraid of myself?
That I’m terrified I’m going to ruin the only thing that allows me to sleep now?
That I might accidentally kill Declan?
She carefully closes the remaining distance between us, like she’s trying to soothe a frightened animal. When she reaches out and touches my hands, I flinch and force myself to stay still.
“See? It’s okay.” She takes the coffee mug from me and sets it on the counter beforeher grip enfolds my hands, but not tightly.
Not like I had Declan hold my hands.
“Are you afraid of me?” I force myself to ask, my gaze finally swiveling up to look her in the eyes.
“Honestly? Now?” She finally nods. “Sometimes, yeah. Not in good ways, either. The only reason I’m here right now, and I haven’t ordered him to cut contact with you outside of work, is because I’ve known you fornearlytwenty-fiveyears. Iknowwho you are, who youwere. I know the man before, and after. I knew about everything you and Ellen did together. And I do meaneverything. The kinky sex, the BDSM, that she was your slave—all of it.”
That’s news to me. “What?”
“Yeah. I was her bestie. You think she wasn’t going to tell me? I’ll even admit I was jealous as hell and thought what a lucky bitch.Because she had absolute, complete trust in you. But she also admitted she wished you’d do…more, sometimes.”
I struggle to process that, too. “More?”
She slowly nods, like she’s trying to minimize her movements. “More. Not, obviously, to the extent you’re doing with Declan. Then again, he’s a guy and can take a lot more than she could’ve taken.”
I stare at her as I try to make all of this computein my brain.
Then she changes conversational lanes on me without warning. “George, do you still want to be governor? Really?”
Before my life fell apart, I would have immediately answered yes, that it’s what I longed to be, had geared myself for, had worked so hard for. Especially because Ellen wanted it for me, for us.
Now?
I honestly don’t even know whoIam anymore. Fuck, I don’t even knowif I’m straight now.
But I nod as I stare into her eyes.
She nods with me. “Okay,” she says so softly I now struggle to listen. “Doyoutrustme?”
I nod again, because, yes, I do trust her.
I feel the prickle of tears stinging my eyes and force them back.
“I need full honesty from you, then. Are you fucking anyone else? Besides Declan?”
I shake my head.
“Okay.” She reaches up with one hand,pausing when I start to draw back before I stop myself, and then she strokes my cheek.
“I’ll give Declan to you, but wehaveto have rules, honey. I think he’s helping you. You’re always calmer and steadier after you’ve had him for the night because you can actually get some sleep when you’re with him.”
I nod.
“Okay, then. So, let’s talk rules.”
The control freak in me doesn’t want to giveup without a fight. The boy isminealready, even if she doesn’t know that. “What rules?”
“Well, for starters, he’s stillmine.Iget the final say-so. Neither of you are gay or bi, so I’m not sure why this is working, but apparently, it is.”
