“Hmmm?” He kissed his way up my neck and sucked my earlobe into his mouth.
“No, babe. Wait!” Ben stiffened in surprise and stood back. “I need to talk to you and I can’t think when your lips touch my body. I need to talk about us.”
“Us?” Ben sounded nervous and that was the last thing I wanted. I turned around and looked into stormy gray eyes, which meant he was worried. He was assuming the worst; I could see it both in his posture and the wall he was erecting right before my eyes.
I reached over and grabbed his hands and lifted them so I could kiss each one. “Don’t do that, Ben. Don’t assume the worst when I want to have a serious discussion.” I lowered our joined hands and leaned forward, pressing my lips to his. I pecked him a few times before I spoke again. “You’re not the only one in love for the first time and I’m stumbling through this the best way I can.” A sudden case of nerves gripped me and I wondered if I’d be drinking the sparkling cider Natalie hid in the fridge by myself.
“Xavier, what’s wrong?” He read me so well. “Have I done something to upset you, babe?” I swallowed hard and nodded. “Please tell me what I did so that I won’t do it again.”
“Okay, here goes.”Deep breath, Xavier.“It’s about your dad’s visit.”
“Daniel.” Ben corrected me before I could blink an eye. “Why do you want to talk about his visit and what does it have to do with us?”
“I want to talk to you about everything, Ben, and I want you to be able to do the same with me. I don’t want you holding back for fear you’ll send me to the nearest street corner in search of a drug dealer. I need to know that you think I’m strong enough to face the bullshit that life throws at us. I wantallof you and not just the bits and pieces you think I’m strong enough to handle. You’re the one who told me that I wasn’t broken and I need you to show me that you believe it.”
“I don’t think you’re weak or broken, love. If you recall, I told you that you didn’t have to leave Daniel and I to talk in private. I was perfectly fine with you overhearing everything that was said between us. In fact, I really needed you there with me.” Ben placed his hands on my neck in a loving, non-threatening way. I loved the comforting weight of his hands on my body. “You didn’t stay when I said that you could and you didn’t ask me any questions after he left, so I didn’t think you wanted to know. Has this been on your mind this whole time?” I nodded.
Ben did tell me I could stay when his dad arrived, but it didn’t feel right to stay and listen. There was so much tension between them that it made me feel uncomfortable. Ben had introduced me to his dad as his boyfriend and Daniel politely shook my hand. He didn’t even flinch when Ben said I could stay. I thought Ben was trying to spare my feelings with his offer. I had no idea he needed me there.Shit!
“I thought you were just being polite when you said I could stay. You seemed lost in thought afterward and I didn’t want to cause you anymore stress by rehashing the story. I just assumed you’d tell me about the conversation the next day or soon after, but you didn’t bring it up so I didn’t either. I’m sorry I let you down. I promise I will be there for you next time.”
“You didn’t let me down, Xavier.” Ben growled in frustration. “I – we – just need to communicate better. Should we come up with some sort of hand signal or code word for when the situation is awkward, kind of like a safe word to stop me from making a fool of myself or upsetting you?”
“No.” A laugh bubbled out of me as I thought of him blurting out some absurd word to get my attention. “Perhaps you could just reach out for my hand or wrap your arm around me and pull me in tight. That’s just a suggestion, but maybe you’d rather blurt out a random word in the middle of a conversation like you have an attention deficit disorder.”
“SQUIRREL.” His yell echoed around the basement and once I quit laughing I remembered the reason I cornered him in the basement.
“We will figure out signals later.” I gave Ben a grin. “So, the basement would need modification if I wanted a studio down here. I mean, I would love to put a baby grand piano right in front of this window. The sun coming through the window would be so inspiring, but you can tell by the echo that it wouldn’t work for recording music. But, there is this nifty little feature that I wanted to show you.”
I walked behind the custom bar and plugged my phone into the auxiliary cord that was connected to the sound system that pumped music throughout the entire house. I pulled up the file I was looking for and hit play. I turned and looked at him as our song began to play. This was a part of me that I showed no one. They all knew about my love of all types of music and knew that I was an accomplished musician. No one I personally knew had ever heard one of my original scores until Ben, and it was the most important piece of music I’d ever written. I recorded my piano, acoustic guitar, and violin parts separately and then engineered it all together when I got the individual pieces just right.
“This is our song.” Ben didn’t ask, because he instinctively knew.
He closed his eyes and I watched as the music moved through him. The opening was soft, tentative and then it gradually picked up in intensity just as our relationship did. Then came the part I wrote while we were apart. The music became turbulent and troublesome to express how I was feeling inside during that time. Ben opened his eyes and reached for me. I saw the mood of the music reflecting in his eyes.
We swayed together in a slow dance as the turbulent notes turned to a seductive harmony of renewal and devotion. My favorite part was fast approaching and I saw the recognition as the music imitated the colorful explosions in the night sky as he told me he loved me for the first time. Ben pressed his lips to mine when the final sweet note ended.
“I do love you, Xavier. I know they’re just simple words and nothing nearly as grand as the song you composed for us, but I mean them sincerely.”
“There is nothing simple about the words or the way you say them to me. They’re spoken from your heart and they’re very meaningful. I love you, Ben.”
“This place is beautiful, babe. Are you going to make an offer?”
“That depends.”
“On?”
“You. Can you imagine yourself living here with me someday? I can picture you in every room, but I need to know if you see that too.”
“Is this you asking me to move in with you?” A joyful smile spread across his face.
“This is me asking you to move in with me whenever you’re ready. We’ve not known each other very long and ...”
Firm lips pressed to mine, cutting off the rest of my sentence. That was okay, because I had the answer I needed. This was going to be our home together, whether it be a few weeks, a month, or a year; it didn’t matter to me how long it would take, just that we would someday be together in this home. Our home.
“YOU LOOK RIDICULOUSLYhappy, bro.” Bevan clapped me on the shoulder as our waiter placed our platters of fish and chips on the table. “I’m sure glad you included me in on your diet cheat day. Where’s lover boy?”
“He and Chase went to pick out some linens and things for the house. I may be a besotted fool, but not enough to go shopping for bedclothes and crap.”
