“I should probably just be going,” I replied, feeling like ten kinds of fool. “It was a huge mistake coming here.” It was then that I remembered my near nakedness and immediately started to dress myself so I could at least look away from his gorgeous eyes until I could pull myself together. I really fucked up and wasn’t sure how to get out of what I’d just let happen.
“I don’t think so, Xavier.” His voice was so firm and controlled that I couldn’t help but stop in mid-motion and look at him. “You’ll be here when I come back downstairs and we’re going to talk through what just happened. I’m trying not to be offended that you thought I was straight and that I could be careless enough to get Ellie pregnant and then cast her aside like yesterday’s garbage.”
“Ben ...”
“Stop,” he said in that demanding tone I was starting to find really sexy. “I will just track you down if you leave my house without talking to me. So, let’s just face this head on right now.” He turned and began walking up his steps without waiting for my agreement. “Stop staring at my ass, Xavier, or I’m going to start thinking that you don’t believe what just happened was a mistake after all.”
I smiled in spite of the confusion I felt in that moment. I didn’t really regret the blow job Ben gave me, but I knew I was better off not knowing how his lips had felt around my cock or the sounds he made when he came. I was better off not knowing that Ben had wanted me for a long time, because nothing could ever happen between us. He wouldn’t want me once he found out what I’d done or who I let myself become over the last year. I would’ve been better off not knowing how good he made me feel, because learning that Ben was gay and available changed nothing for me. I still needed to focus all of my time and energy on getting stronger and staying clean.
I finished dressing and walked into Ben’s living room to wait for him. I wasn’t sure what I expected his living space to be like, but it wasn’t the warm, inviting space around me. The decorations on the walls consisted of framed posters of legendary rockers from the 60s and 70s, classic ad posters from many eras, and an antique looking world map that was nearly as long as his brown leather sofa. There were many bronze pins stuck in several countries, I wondered how many of those places Ben had already visited and which ones he still planned to explore.
I turned away from the map and let my eyes roam over his large, steamer trunk that acted as a coffee table. In a corner of the room sat an antique globe on a bronze pedestal and beside it sat a record player on a table made of dark wood. My eyes locked on the stack upon stack of vinyl records that were stored on a shelf below the record player.
Ben’s home made me want to sit back, kick my feet up, and just breathe. In fact, I felt better breathing in his air than any other place since I arrived home. I would be lying if I said it was the blow job and not the man himself who made me relax. There was something so calming about being in Ben’s presence, like nothing and no one would hurt me. I’d found that comfort in only a handful of people during my short lifetime and it concerned me that I found it with him so easily. He was practically a stranger to me.
Ben’s calm demeanor contradicted the controlling words and voice he used on me to keep me here while he changed. Maybe it wasn’t a contradiction at all and his calmness and control went hand in hand. Damien used many unpleasant tactics to control me and get what he wanted from me. I’d spent more than two years under Damien’s abusive thumbs, so why didn’t Ben’s dominant attitude alarm me? Why was Ben able to calm me where Damien only scared me? It didn’t really matter, because I had already decided that I wouldn’t allow myself to spend much time around Ben. He was just another addiction waiting to happen.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Ben said softly behind me. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear him come down the steps and enter his living room behind me. He must be able to move like a jungle cat stalking his prey. “You look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders,” he said when I turned to face him. “I’m a good listener and anything you tell me will stay between us. I promise not to go running to Ellie."
I nervously rubbed the back of my neck while searching for a response. “I appreciate that, Ben, I really do. These are things I just need to work through on my own.” He had no idea how tempted I was to curl up on his couch and tell him the sordid pieces of my past and the only thing that held me back was fear of seeing disgust in his eyes. No, I needed to fix myself this time. “You’re right about us needing to talk about what just happened and I do owe you a huge fucking apology.”
“Do you want something to drink before your grovel?”
“No thanks,” I replied around a grin. Ben gestured with his hand for me to have a seat on his couch and I complied. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions and accused you of getting my sister pregnant,” I told him when he sat beside me.
“And, casting her aside. Don’t forget about that part.”
“Yes, I apologize for that too.”
“How about saying you’re sorry for thinking I was straight?” The wordsstraightwas said with so much disgust that it almost made me laugh. The expression on his face matched his tone and I was afraid I really had offended him.
“I ...”
“That’s almost as bad as you accusing me of casting Ellie aside, Xavier.”
“Ben ...” I knew my voice was bordering on being exasperated, but I was cut off before I could say more.
“I’m very gay. I think I just showed you how gay I am, but if you need another demonstration ...”
I held up my hand to stop him when he leaned toward me like he was going to kiss me. “This thing that happened between us tonight can’t happen again.”
“It can’t?” Ben’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“No.”
“Can I ask why? You seemed to really enjoy yourself and I know I enjoyed it.”
“It was fine, Ben.” I waved off his line of questioning, hoping to move on so I could get out of there and go home.
“Fine?It wasfine?” Ben’s voice rose to a girly pitch and his eyes were bugging out as if he were about to experience an apoplectic attack.
“Nice,” I responded in exasperation.
“Nice,”Ben said, using air quotes, “isn’t good either. Fuck!” He threw his hands up in the air out of frustration. “I thought I gave you great head, but apparently I have delusions of grandeur. Jesus, I better start working on my skills. Are you sure this can’t happen again? I can do better, Xavier.” His gray eyes implored me to give in to him.
I would have been mortified by that point if I hadn’t caught the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I realized it had been too long since I laughed and joked with someone and I missed it. I wanted to play along with Ben, but feared that playing with words would lead to playing with each other’s cocks. I needed to keep my cock to myself and I selfishly wanted Ben to do the same.
“I’m certain it can’t happen again. It’s not you ...”
