“Don’t finish that sentence. Holy shit! You’re killing me tonight, X.” Ben dropped his head into his hands and scrubbed his face briefly before looking back at me. “Were you seriously going use ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ just now?”
“Yes. No. I ... maybe.” I let out a frustrated growl, because Ben had me flustered and stuttering all over myself from the moment he came down the steps. I wanted to say what I needed to say and get the fuck out of there, before I made an even bigger fool of myself. “Look, Ben, your blow job skills don’t need fine tuning, because they’re fantastic. Your performance is notmyproblem.Iam my problem and I need to spend all of my energy fixingmeright now.”
Ben took a deep breath and nodded his head slowly. “I respect that, Xavier, but let me just remind you that you aren’t alone. You are surrounded by people who would do anything you need them to do in order to help you, including me. You don’t know me very well,yet, but you can trust me.”
I instinctively knew that I could trust him. “Thank you for that, Ben. I do know that I am a very lucky man with a wonderful support system, but I’ve leaned on them all my life and it’s time I stood up on my own.”
“Okay.”
We stared at each other for a few minutes longer before I broke eye contact. I had to look away, because those quicksilver eyes of his pulled me in and didn’t want to let go. I could have easily allowed myself to get lost in him, but what I told him was true. I needed to fight this battle on my own. “I am sorry for the way I barged into your house and accused of you of terrible things though.”
“Like being straight?” Ben’s wry grin told me he had forgiven me.
I felt a genuine smile spread across my face for the first time in a long time. “Yes, that too.”
“You’re forgiven, Xavier.” Ben answered with a smile of his own. “You were just looking out for your sister and that is something to be admired.” I looked away from him again, because I didn’t believe there was much inside of me to be admired. “I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone, Xavier. I’m shocked she didn’t tell me, because I thought she told me everything. Why wouldn’t she tell me she was dating someone?”
The confusion in his voice pulled my eyes back to him. “She didn’t say his name. She just kept repeating that she thought he loved her and she was different from the rest of them. She’s really beating herself up over this and she’s not feeling good at all. I’m really worried about her, Ben. Will you please let her be the one to tell you? ”
“Hey,” he said softly while placing his warm, strong hand on my shoulder. “I will wait for her to tell me about the pregnancy no matter how bad I want to demand who this mofo is so I can beat his ass. Ellie has us and we won’t let her down, Xavier.”
“Thank you,” I rose to my feet, “for everything.”
“Do you mean thefineorniceblow job?” He asked, standing up beside me.
“Quit fishing for compliments, Ben. It’s wreaks of desperation.” I wasn’t sure how to say goodbye to him after what we just shared. Fist bump with an atta boy? Awkward pat on the back? Ben followed me to the front door and even opened it for me like a gentlemen. “Well, it’s been real.” I nearly cringed at my lame attempt at goodbye.
“Xavier.” There was that calm, but captivating voice again that had me stopping in my tracks. Ben pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. The next thing I knew I was resting my forehead against his shoulder and allowing him to hug me tight and give me comfort. “You’re a lot stronger than you realize and I know that you’ll overcome the demons you’re fighting. I’m here if you want to talk, yell, or practiceyourblow job skills on me. I’m altruistic like that.”
I pulled back from his embrace feeling a thousand times better than before I arrived on his front porch. “You’ll be the first guy I call if I decide I need to practice.” I shot him a playful wink and walked away from his house. I pretended he was moaning over my parting words and not my beautiful car that was parked in his driveway. I drove home knowing I’d be thinking of that blow job and the comfort I found in Ben’s presence, no matter how much I wished I could forget.
“ARE YOU JUSTgoing to pretend you don’t know what’s going on with me?”
Ellie had snuck in behind me as I entered my office and asked the question just as I took a sip of hot coffee. The liquid went down the wrong way causing me to cough and sputter for a few minutes before I could speak. I shut the door so my personal assistant, Ian Kidd, couldn’t overhear our conversation. “Damn, you scared the hell out of me, El.” I finally turned to face her.
She just stood there with her arms crossed over her chest, tapping her foot. My tiny friend looked tired, but a little better today. Maybe telling someone about the pregnancy relieved some of her tension. “Xavier told me that he went running over to your house and accused you of getting me pregnant.” Her lip twitched slightly indicating that she wasn’t as annoyed as she pretended to be.
“He just volunteered that information?” I knew that he didn’t. I raised a brow skeptically, which was met with an arrogant lift of her brow in return.
“Of course not,” she said with a proud wave of her hand. “I know how to get the truth out of him after all of these years. He came home dragging his tail between his legs and I knew he’d done something he wasn’t proud of.” Her words pierced my heart, because I knew which part he regretted and it wasn’t the accusations he made. “He admitted to storming over to your house, but he didn’t tell me what happened after he got there. Obviously, you set him straight aboutnot beingstraight and that you’re not my baby’s daddy. Then what?”
“Xavier and I are both adults, Ellie.” I kept my tone calm and neutral, not wanting her to know just how bad her earlier comment hurt.
“That’s debatable, Ben,” she threw back at me. “He was too mellow for nothing to have happened, so don’t even go there with me. I thought we agreed that you’d take things slow with him. What happened to subtle?” She narrowed her eyes and watched me closely as she waited for my reply.
It flew right out the door he shoved open.I walked to her and placed my hands gently on her shoulders. “El, I’m not discussing with you the private things that, may or may not have, happened between Xavier and me. It wouldn’t be right.” She blew out a frustrated breath and then pinched her lips together. “He’s much stronger than you know, stronger than any of you give him credit for and he’ll prove it to you.”
“Xavier’s strength has never been a concern. I just feel that he was into something very unhealthy for him and he needs time to heal and pull himself back together.” I heard the pleading for my understanding in her voice. Her eyes teared up with concern over her brother.
“Which is exactly what he told me last night, El.” I gave her a quick hug and sat down at my desk. I pointed to the chair in front of my desk, letting her know this conversation wasn’t over – not by a long shot. “I appreciate you deflecting the attention onto Xavier and me, but that’s not going to fly. I believe there is something you want to tell me and let’s start with the name of the man I’m about to fuck up.”
“You could’ve warned me that hurricane Ellie was on her way,” I said to Xavier as soon as he answered. I was calling from the backseat of a cab as I headed to the airport for an unexpected trip to Tampa.
“Shit! How bad was it? She laid into me for a solid hour last night about my activities with you and then again first thing this morning. I thought I had calmed her down before she left, but I guess not. I’m sorry, Ben.” I heard the apology in his voice and I didn’t want him to stress over it. I meant to tease, but it appeared I had the opposite effect.
“I didn’t call you for an apology.” I aimed for a comforting, but wasn’t sure I hit my mark.
“Then why did you call?” Xavier went from concerned to confused pretty quickly, which was only fair, because he had the same ever-changing effect on my moods. I tried not to let the fact that he didn’t want to talk to me bother me. I had to believe that the crazy pull I felt toward him had to mean something beyond just a physical or chemical reaction.
