I STOOD OUTSIDEthe bowling alley staring at the entrance door like hell was waiting for me on the other side. In reality, I’d been living in my own personal hell for over a year and deserved whatever reception I got once I walked through that door. I left out of here after Ava’s wedding in June without an explanation to anyone and I didn’t look back. I missed every holiday and birthday, becoming more sullen and depressed with every lost visit home. Lost, because I couldn’t ever get that time back.
It was June again, nearly one year later, and I had returned for Chase River’s marriage to Grayson Wright. Chase was the brother of my heart and we were just as close as any biological brothers would be. Chase’s grandmother, Agnes Simmons, became my guardian when I was five years old. Gram rescued me from a life of abuse and misery when I moved in with her and Chase.
At the age of five, I had already known I was different. I wanted to wear silky, shiny shirts and play with dolls, which infuriated my father. I used to sneak some of my sister’s things in my backpack and took them to preschool with me. My preschool teacher, Miss Annette, would always let me wear whatever I brought and she always let me play with dolls whenever I wanted. Miss Annette never told me the clothes I wore were for girls or that playing with dolls made me a sissy. That was my father’s job. Miss Annette just loved me as I was and I thank God for her every single day.
I don’t remember a lot about my childhood, but I remember the straw that broke my father’s back. I asked him for a princess party for my sixth birthday. He lost all control and spanked me with his belt until I could barely sit. The whole time he shouted that he was going to beat the devil out of me and he would rather see me dead than become a faggot. At some point, I tuned him out and drifted off to a dreamland where people loved me for who I was and didn’t hate me because I was different.
What happened the next day was permanently etched in my mind and was easily my most cherished memory. I’ll never forget Chase holding my hand beneath the monkey bars while I cried and told him what happened. I begged him to keep my secret and he kept his promise even though he wanted to tell Miss Annette so badly. It was only when my oldest sister, Ellie, showed up at preschool to pick me up that I broke down and told Miss Annette, Gram, and Ellie what happened to me. Chase held my hand through that too.
I was scared when I talked to the police officers and child protection social workers, but Gram had promised me that I’d live with her and Chase soon and that she’d never let anyone hurt me ever again. Like Chase, she was true to her word. The heartache and horror that I’ve suffered of late is all on my shoulders and no one else’s.
Would Gram, Chase, and Ellie still love me if they found out what I’d done, who I became in LA? I was stronger now and could see a little clearer, but had too much time passed since I left with barely a phone call back home for them to forgive me? Would they understand? Well, there was only one way to find out.
I began to shake and tremble as I reached for the door. I dropped my hand and breathed deeply through my nose, urging my body to relax and ignore the craving for a small little pill that would make all of my fears and worries temporarily disappear. The driving need to lose myself in chemicals was the strongest I had felt since quitting a few months ago.No!I wouldn’t give in. I fought too fucking hard to get clean and I refused to go back.
“I can do this. I can do this,” I chanted to myself.
“Hey stranger, are you really that worried about your bowling game?”
Startled, I turned around so fast that I lost my balance on the steps. Ben St. Claire, my sister’s sexy-as-fuck, straight best friend and co-worker at Wright Creations tried to grab me to keep me from falling, but I still crashed against his chest. I wasn’t sure how Ellie could just be friends with that sexy guy, but she swore that’s all they were.
The spicy smell of his cologne filled my nostrils and I nearly embarrassed myself by taking a few extra whiffs. His strong arms were wrapped around me, holding me securely to his chest. Either Ben had really been working out since I last saw him, or his business suits hid a delightfully strong body beneath all that fabric. I longed to stay in his arms, lay my head against his firm chest, and just let my worries melt away. It occurred to me that Ben could be just as potent and addictive as any drug and I’d need to keep my distance or find myself in jeopardy of screwing up my recovery.Who was I kidding?Ben was straight as an arrow and not interested in me at all.
I first met Ben the previous year when I returned home from LA. Chase invited me to have lunch with him and Ellie one afternoon, but didn’t tell me he had also invited Ben. His looks got my attention, but his personality is what captivated me and held my interest long after the lunch was over and every other time we were in the same room together. If only he were gay and my head wasn’t so fucked up right now.
“Sorry.” My voice sounded strangled as I looked up into Ben’s face. It was too dark outside to see his eyes, but I vividly remembered the gray color. They might have starred in a fantasy, or twenty, of mine. I stood up straight and ignored the tingling awareness that shot through my body. “I suck at bowling and everyone knows it,” I admitted.
“Then why the hesitation and pep talk?” Ben’s brow furrowed in concern.
I could easily see why Ellie liked Ben so much. He had this strong presence about him that made a person want to lean on him in bad times. He gave off the vibe that nothing phased him much. It was this calm confidence, an “I got this” kind of thing. When he spoke to you, you knew you had his complete attention and that he was honed in on the conversation. I also felt he was a trustworthy person and that had been sorely lacking in my life in Los Angeles.
“Cruz.” Ben’s compassionate voice interrupted my thoughts when I took too long to answer his simple question.
“Can you just call me Xavier?” I asked softly. What no one inside the bowling alley knew was that I permanently severed all ties with my life in LA. I would not be going back there for any reason. I came home to start all over again and I could only hope that the people inside the bowling alley would forgive my neglect.
“Xavier.” Ben repeated my name softly, almost tenderly, but that must have been wishful thinking on my part. “I like it a lot. So, why are you out here making us both late?”
“I haven’t been a very good friend, brother, or grandson and I’m afraid I won’t be wanted.” There it was, the ugly truth vomit that had been stuck in my throat for the past ten minutes. Oddly, just confessing my fears to Ben made me feel ten times better.
“Nonsense,” Ben said firmly and without pause. “Your sister, grandmother, and friends are fucking crazy about you, Xavier. Sure, they were hurt when you didn’t come back for the holidays, but they also knew something was going on with you. If you worry about anything at all then worry about getting smothered by them with hugs and kisses.” I must’ve made a face that matched my doubtful thoughts. “I guess we’ll just have to find out then won’t we?” Ben reached around me and opened the door to the bowling alley, grabbed my arm, and pulled me inside behind him. “Hey, everybody,” he shouted loudly, “look who I found loitering outside.”
All heads swiveled in our direction. “Ass,” I hissed for his ears only. I held my breath while waiting for their reaction. The surprise quickly turned into happiness and I was wrapped up in so many arms it was hard to tell who had me and who didn’t. The relief I felt was immeasurable to anything I’d felt before that moment. Then they all began talking at once.
“I’m so glad you made it,” Chase told me. “It wouldn’t have been the same without you by my side.” Amazingly, he still wanted me to be his best man.
“No fucking way I’d miss your big day, Chase.”
“We’ve missed you, jackass,” Grayson said. “Try not to pull a disappearing act on us again. This one,” he aimed a thumb in Chase’s direction, “worries about you constantly.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been worrying you, Chase. I’m home for good now,” I told him.
“I’ve missed you so much, baby brother.” Ellie began to cry.
“I’ve missed you too.” It broke my heart to see her so upset. “I won’t ever disappear like that again.” She pulled back from her hug and closely searched my eyes for signs that I wasn’t telling the truth. She must have liked what she saw, because she only nodded.
“Get the hell out of my way,” Gram yelled, pushing her way to the front of the crowd. “Xavier Miguel Cruz, you’re lucky I don’t kick your ass up one side of this bowling alley and down the other. Just where the fuck have you been?”
“I missed you so much, Gram.” I pulled her into a hug and didn’t let go for several long minutes. I missed her seventieth birthday and I regretted it more than I could ever express to her with words. This was the woman who took me in and gave me a beautiful life beyond my wildest dreams. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered the words in her ear. “I’m home for good now.”
