SIX DAYS DIDN’T SOUNDlike a long time before I saw Noah again, but it dragged on forever. I kept super busy during the day and spent a few hours each night with Noah on the phone. It was like I was getting to know him all over again. This time, I learned about the man he had become and not the boy I used to know.
So much of the beautiful boy he had been remained inside of him, but I would expect nothing else. He had a loving family who supported him when he eventually came out. I had a good laugh at the way he came out to his dad. Even though the family heard the stories about Elijah being gay, Noah was still worried about coming out to his parents. His dad thought he was doing his boy a favor by slipping him a Playboy magazine when he turned eighteen. Noah recalled that he shivered dramatically and told his father that he had his very own stash of porn. He told me things had been tense for a while, but his dad came around quickly. Did Noah realize just how lucky he was? Probably not, because he didn’t know any different, but I did.
I forced those thoughts away for the time being. I had decided to come clean to Noah that weekend, not only because I wanted to, but because I wanted him to tell me why he and Justin were so incompatible as a couple. I even asked him outright. He told me that their relationship goals weren’t the same?Relationship goals?He expanded a bit to tell me that he wanted marriage and children, but Justin didn’t. I could tell he was holding something else back, but I didn’t press. After all, I hadn’t told him about my past, so how was that fair to expect him to reveal everything to me? If we were going to make this relationship work – and I knew I’d do anything to make that happen – then we had to be completely honest with each other and I needed to go first.
One concern I had, was that Justin had changed his mind about his “relationship goals” and he and Noah would rekindle their romance. I mean, Noah loved me as a teenage boy, but he loved Justin as a grown man. Noah told me that Justin wasn’t still in love with him, he was in love with the happier times they had when their relationship was new and things went well between them. Noah said they both had changed and wanted their lives to go in different paths.
Noah said the first day or two at work were awkward between them, but he felt in time they’d be able to be friends and work together. That in itself confused the fuck out of me, because I had hoped Noah would move home and be with me all the time and that I wouldn’t have to share him with his ex.
All of my worry melted when Noah and Madge walked through the door of his apartment that Friday evening. He had overnighted a key – the spare key he had taken back from Justin – so that I could let myself in and make myself at home. I hadn’t been there very long myself before they arrived.
Madge was happy to be sprung from doggy daycare and even happier to see me. I smiled inwardly, because Noah told me that Madge didn’t like Justin at all. I’d take any advantages I could get when it came to winning and keeping Noah’s heart. Lord knew Noah always had my heart.
“God, it’s so good to see you, Mav.”
I wrapped my arms around Noah and held him as tightly as I could without cutting off his air. The feel of him pressed against me, the way he smelled, and the happy sounds he made being in my arms would make it harder than hell to drive away from him on Sunday. The alternative to this frustration was to not see him, hold him, touch him, or taste him. Fuck that! “You feel so fucking good, Doc,” I couldn’t help but respond to his nearness and I felt the same reaction from him. I wanted to dive into him, but I wanted more than just sex. My stomach growled to emphasize just how long it had been since I last ate.
“Sounds like I better feed you, Mav, before I feast on you.” The kiss he gave me seared me down to my toes – long, seductive, and wet. It did nothing to slow my response to him and I found myself at full mast in seconds.
“Can we eat-in tonight?” I pressed my forehead to Noah’s. “I’m really tired from the drive and I just want to be with you.” Madge barked loudly in protest. “And, you too, girl.” I scratched her ears to appease her majesty. I expelled a deep breath and looked into Noah’s eyes. “I’m finally ready to tell you what happened when I disappeared. It won’t be easy and I’d rather just…”
“Chinese, Mexican, Burgers, Italian, Thai… Whatever you want to eat, Mav, can be delivered.” He pressed his palm to my cheek and searched my eyes. I saw the worry in his expression. “You don’t need tell me anything you’re not ready to tell.”
“I appreciate that, Doc, but I won’t be the only one coming clean.” He frowned in confusion and I chose to enlighten him rather than keep him guessing. “I think there’s something you’re not telling me about you and Justin. I want you to feel that you can tell me anything, but it’s not right to expect that when I’m holding things back from you.” He looked pensive, as if he was going to deny what I said, but then he nodded. I cupped his chin in my hand and kept his gaze steady on mine. “There is absolutely nothing you can tell me that will make me think less of you, Noah. Nothing.” He closed his eyes and let my words sink in before he reopened them and offered a small smile. I knew I’d have to prove it to him with actions over words.
Noah ordered food while I took a shower. Alone. If he came with me, all of my good intentions would go right out the window. My body reacted to the scent of his shower gel and shampoo as I used his products. He made me feel like a randy teenager again, which was good most of the time, but not when I was trying to prove to myself, and Noah, that I wanted more than sex.
I returned to his living room wearing my favorite old t-shirt and a pair of sweats. I noticed that Noah had changed into a tee and sweats while I was using his shower. Did he get turned on by hearing me in his shower? Was he picturing me wet and naked?Down boy,I commanded my dick. Noah’s hot eyes on me didn’t help matters much.
“Food should be here in about five minutes,” Noah said as I dropped down beside him on his couch. I angled my body so I could look at him. “I’m so glad you’re here, Mav. I needed it more than I even realized.”
I let my kiss be my response; to show him with more than words how happy I was to be with him. I tried to keep my kiss gentle, but like always with him, it quickly became heated. I slipped my tongue between his eagerly parted lips, but kept the glide of my tongue against his slow and gentle. These were the moments I’d hold on to and relive alone, until we were together again.
Noah pulled back from our kiss with a wicked smile when the doorbell rang. He stood up and adjusted himself before he pulled his shirt down to cover his arousal. I turned and watched as he retrieved our food and paid the delivery guy. Suddenly, food was the last thing on my mind. I could see he was thinking the same when he returned to the living room with the brown paper bags.
I bit the inside of my cheek sharply to get my focus back to where it needed to be and not on spreading Noah beneath me. Food and then it was confession time. Noah retrieved some plates and silverware from the kitchen while I unpacked the various cartons of Chinese food. It smelled so damn good that waiting the few extra minutes for plates and utensils was near torture. Madge’s look dared me to dig in with my fingers, and throw her some too while I was at it. Noah returned just in time, before I accepted her challenge.
We ate in silence, both of us probably worrying about how the other would feel about each confession. It was a close call for me what would win out – fear or appetite. In the end, I figured I’d need the calories to offset the emotional drain I’d feel after I slit myself open and bled all over the place. I was more worried about how Noah would feel than myself; I’d lived with the truth for a long time where he’d be hearing it for the first time. It wasn’t going to be easy.
I helped Noah put away the leftovers and clean the kitchen. I helped myself to a second beer for a little liquid courage and led Noah back to the couch. I looked into his kind eyes and knew it was time. I took a deep breath and spilled the truth of what happened twenty-two years ago.
“My dad caught me sneaking back into my room that last night we were together. He knew what I had just done, probably had suspected for quite some time what had been going on between us. He flew into a rage, because ‘no son of his was going to be a faggot.’” Noah flinched and I reached out for his hands. “He gave me two choices: I could either leave with him willingly or something bad would happened to you. I couldn’t let that happen, Noah. I would take whatever punishment he dealt out as long as you weren’t hurt.” I thought I had put all of these emotions behind me – the fear of Noah getting hurt and the shame that my father made me feel for loving him.
“Mav.” Noah’s voice was choked with sorrow. “I…” I placed my finger against his lips to stop him. I needed to get this all out at once.
“We went to my grandmother’s house in Alabama where my dad kept me under lock and key until he made arrangements for me to attend a Christian camp so they could ‘straighten me out.’” Noah shook his head in disbelief. “It wasn’t called conversion therapy back then, but that’s what I endured for a few weeks.” Noah’s eyes watered and I feared his tears were imminent. I wasn’t sure I could hold myself together if I made him cry. I curled my hand around his neck and pulled him forward until our foreheads touched.
“I wasn’t physically abused as I’ve heard happened in many cases, but it was constant prayer and sermons about the evils of sexuality. The psychological damage can be just as bad if not worse than physical. I saw many kids break down and lose it. They’d cry at night and beg to go home, promising to be good. Some even tried to harm themselves.” My voice cracked on the last part, because I had been so damn close to doing the same thing at one point. I dreamed of Noah that night and it gave me the strength I needed to get through it.
“I said all the right things during the day when I was required to speak, but at night I would lay on my cot and remember you and the way you made me feel. I knew it wasn’t wrong, Noah. Nothing that wonderful could be wrong. Who were we hurting? Who?” The frustration I felt back then was evident in my voice. “At the end of thecamp, I expected to go back to our home in Beaufort, but my dad had moved our family to Alabama while I was away. My dad used you as a threat against me to get me to cooperate. I knew your address by heart, but I took him seriously that he’d hurt you if I tried to reach out to you.”
Noah wrapped his arms around me and practically crawled into my lap. “Jesus, Maverick.” I took reassurance from his hold and allowed myself to be comforted. We stayed that way for a very long time until I eased him back so I could finish the rest of my story.
“I played the part of a dutiful son. I put all of my effort into my grades and baseball so I could earn myself a scholarship. The school I attended had an average baseball team at best, so junior college was the best I could do. Anything was better than staying at home though. I walked out of that house when I left for college and never went back. I haven’t seen or talked to my parents in twenty years and I can honestly say that I don’t miss them.”
I wiped the silent tears that slid down Noah’s face and tried so hard to keep my emotions at bay. “It took me years, maybe even a decade, to come to terms with leaving everyone I knew behind to forge my own path. I read an article once about toxic parents and the damages they have on children and I no longer felt guilty for walking away. I blew out my arm and lost my dream of playing baseball, but I eventually built a new dream. A dream that led me back to you.”
“I’m so grateful to have you back, but I wish you hadn’t been put through so much to get here. I fucking hate conversion therapy,” he said passionately. “Do you know how many kids have harmed themselves because of what those so-called Christians have said and done? Many have turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with the hateful things said to them and about them. How many homeless kids are living in the U.S. because they ran away from their homes or were kicked out? How many of them have turned to prostitution as a way to try and feed themselves?” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Something has to be done, Maverick.”
