His words were a shock to my system. Did he mean he thought I was still in love with him or hung up on the incident that had changed my outlook on the world forever? I opened my mouth to ask, but he raised his hand to stop me.
“Whatever happened to you during Christmas break our freshmen year of college still has a grip on you, and I fear it’s holding you back,” Chase said. “I’ve accepted that you don’t want to talk to me about it, but I wish you’d talk to someone. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest, and that means experiencing love—giving and receiving. You give and give, but you never let anyone love you back.”
I knew he was right and that I had clung to my past in an unhealthy manner as a reminder to myself of what happened when I dared to grab hold of more than what was meant for me. I took a chance once by daring to dream and love by pretending I hadn’t been born under a cursed moon. That dream screeched to a bloody, hateful halt, and I was not willing to try again. The reasonable, mature adult I was trying to become reared its pragmatic head occasionally to protest that I was being ridiculous and using the tragedy from my past as an excuse to keep an emotional distance from everyone. It cautioned me that if I didn’t put my heart out there, I could never experience the true happiness Chase had described.
“I’ll take your counsel under advisement.”
“I just want you to be happy, J.”
“I am happy.”
Chase narrowed his eyes because he didn’t believe me, but I was content for the most part, and there were moments of happiness. I loved my career, and there was Miller’s visit, which had really made me happy, even though it was just sex. My heart lurched as I remembered Miller’s gentle touch. He’d woken me when he swept my hair off my forehead, but I pretended to stay asleep to avoid any awkwardness. There was something tender about the way Miller had covered me up before he left. I’d almost given up my ruse and asked him to stay, but I remained silent. I didn’t do gentle and tender, and I sure as hell never asked anyone to stay. We hooked up and nothing more.
“Okay,” Chase said in surrender. “I’ll mind my own business.”
“Do you need help moving?” I wanted to change the subject but was surprised at the path I took.
“That would be awesome. You can get to know Gray better,” Chase replied, beaming from ear to ear. Inwardly, I cringed because getting to know me was probably the last thing Gray wanted to do. Outwardly, I smiled because I’d do just about anything to make Chase happy.
And that was how I found myself standing inside Gray’s apartment looking into two sets of hostile eyes the following Saturday. I understood Gray’s animosity. He saw me as a threat, and I would do my best to put him at ease unless he proved to be an asshole, then I’d push his buttons. Miller’s hostility, though, came as a complete surprise. Those baby blues had once twinkled with mirth or darkened with desire when he looked at me, but now, they were cold and distant. It felt like I was seeing a different man. An evil twin, perhaps.
“Oh, hey, J,” Chase said, walking out from the back hallway with two boxes in his arms. “You’re just in time to do some heavy lifting.”
“Let me help you, babe,” Gray said, moving over to take the top box off the stack.
“Thanks, honey.” I’d only been there for two minutes, and I was already gagging over their sweetness. I questioned my sanity for subjecting myself to this lovefest. “Oh, you and Miller haven’t formally met, have you? Dr. Miller Brexler, meet my good friend, Jagger Jackson, attorney at law.”
“They’re two manwhoring peas in a clusterfuck pod,” I heard Gray mutter as he and Chase exited the apartment. I would have laughed at his accuracy, but I was still thrown over Miller’s chilly demeanor.
“Doctor, huh? Well, I have this ache that…”
“Save it.” Miller’s snarl cut off what I had intended to say. “First, I’m not that kind of doctor, and second, what the fuck are you doing here?”
“I came here to—”
“Fuck things up for my friend. Look, we have plenty of help, so why don’t you just make your excuses and leave.”
“Wait a goddamn minute,” I replied angrily. “Just who the fuck do you think you are?” I didn’t realize I had advanced on him until we were nearly chest to chest. “Neither you nor Gray gets to decide who Chase keeps as a friend. He’s a grown man who is fully capable of making his own decisions, Doc.” I loved that Miller had to tilt his head back to look into my eyes.
“Is he choosing to keep you around as a friend because he wants to or is it because he feels bad that you don’t have anyone else?” His words were like a sharp dagger to my heart. I jerked back as if he’d landed a physical blow instead of hurling a verbal barb. My only consolation was the look of horror that spread across his face as soon as he realized what he’d said. He opened his mouth as if to apologize, but he didn’t get the chance.
“JJ has me,” came a furious female voice from behind me. I couldn’t help but smile at Ava, ready to swoop in and save the day. She was Chase’s best friend and my friend by proxy, even though there were plenty of times she wanted to strangle me. I often had that effect on people. This time her fury was aimed at Miller, and I felt pretty smug about it.
“Uh…” Miller’s stammer only made me smile more.
“J has Xavier too. He is not alone andneverwill be.” She came to stand beside me, hands on her hips in full diva mode. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think we need to come to an agreement moving forward.” Miller and I just continued to stare at one another, but it was obvious she had our full attention. “We can all get along for Chase and Gray’s sake like one big happy family or we can throw down right here, right now. But I will not listen to any petty fighting about where Chase’s heart lies or stupid remarks that he needs to choose between his friends and his lover. Gray’s insecurity over JJ’s existence is Gray’s problem, not Chase’s and not JJ’s. I appreciate that you’re in Gray’s corner, but as his best friend, you need to assure him that Chase loves him and stop creating a problem where there isn’t one. How do you think Chase would feel if he’d overheard what you just said instead of me?” She blew out a frustrated breath and took a step back. “You two fools work this shit out. Now.” She turned on her heel and headed back to the hallway, her curls bouncing with every angry step.
“I’d do what the lady says, fellas.” I hadn’t realized her husband, Brandon, was even in the room until he spoke. He slapped my shoulder as he followed his wife.
“She’s kind of scary,” Miller muttered softly so only I could hear. I’d always thought she was scary in an awesome way, but I held my opinion to myself. Instead, I stepped around him so I could start boxing up the kitchen. “Wait,” Miller said, then grabbed my bicep. I chose to look straight ahead rather than meet his gaze. I didn’t want to see pity or derision in them. In fact, if I couldn’t look into baby blues and see happiness, humor, or desire, I didn’t want to look into them at all. “I was way out of line, Jag.”
I tensed when he used the nickname he had given me. Before, I had liked hearing it roll off his tongue, but right then, it just felt wrong. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, blowing him off with a casualness I didn’t feel. “I won’t say anything to Chase or Gray, and we can forget it happened. Ava’s right, Miller. We don’t have to like each other, but we do have to get along. As pitiful as it might sound to you, Chase, Ava, and Xavier are my only family, and I won’t do anything to hurt them.”
I pulled my arm out of his grip and walked away without letting him respond. As I packed up the kitchen, I contemplated why the shift in Miller’s personality bothered me so damn much. Hell, I didn’t know a damn thing about the guy, but there was a hollowness in my chest that hadn’t been there before, like I’d lost something important. My feelings were still an unsolved mystery by the time I’d packed up the items in the kitchen cabinets, leaving only the refrigerator and freezer to tackle.
I pulled open the refrigerator and was relieved to see that there wasn’t much inside, just two bottles of beer. I was pretty thirsty, and I helped myself to one. I opened the bottle and flipped the cap into the trash can before I took a swig and shut the door.
“Is there another one of those? All thisbabyandsweetiebullshit, plus all the kissing, is making me nauseous.” I nearly choked. I hadn’t realized Miller was standing on the other side of the refrigerator door. The ornery twinkle in his eyes had returned, and I found it hard to hold on to my ire with him looking so irresistible. I opened the door and pulled out the last beer for him. “Thank you.”
