Ilearned a lot about myself and Miller—both individually and as a couple—in the days following the tragic loss of Darryl and Destiny. I discovered I was able to put Miller’s needs before my own and give him the love and support he needed. I realized Miller was the most beautiful person ever put on this earth, and I was beyond lucky to have him in my life. I recognized there was nothing we couldn’t handle, and there were no limits to what I would do for him.
It sounded ridiculous to say someone was beautiful in their grief, but it was true. Miller handled himself with poise and dignity as he arranged both the funerals and moved his niece and nephew into his home. He accepted the help our friends offered with grace instead of falling on foolish pride. He allowed himself to mourn in the privacy of our bedroom where I held him each night as he released everything he had kept buried during the day. I couldn’t bring Darryl and Destiny back, but I could be his safe place to let go and grieve openly.
I was afraid I was smothering him in my attempt to help, but Miller assured me that wasn’t the case with a few simple words. “I need you.” He’d said the words out loud, but even if he hadn’t, I would’ve recognized the look in his eyes. I tried my best to be everything Miller, Lucas, and Lily needed, even if I wasn’t sure what I was doing half the time.
The day of the funeral was frigid and gray to match the somber mood of those gathered to say their final farewell to Darryl and Destiny. Ava stayed with Lucas and Lily at Miller’s parents’ house because it was decided they were too young to understand what was going on and it could be a very traumatic experience for them. Every decision Miller and I made going forward would put their needs first. Sometimes I was scared as hell I wouldn’t be enough and would fail them, but then Lucas or Lily would reach for me for comfort, and I’d forget to be scared.
“I struggled with what to say today,” Miller said as he stood at the podium in front of the mourners gathered at the funeral home. He cleared his throat as he gathered himself and continued. I sent him vibes of strength so he could get through the eulogy. His eyes met mine briefly as if he felt them. “I can’t seem to find the words to properly express the sorrow I feel over losing my brother and his amazing wife. All of you are feeling their loss just as deeply, so those words aren’t needed. Instead, I want to talk about the people they were and the ways they made me a better man.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as Miller spoke eloquently about the love he had for Darryl and Destiny. He added lighthearted stories that also made the crowd laugh. “As painful as it is that we lost them both, I know my brother would not have wanted to live in a world without Destiny, and I’m certain she felt the same way. I’ll spend every day remembering the love they shared and the joy they brought into my life, and I will raise Lucas and Lily in a way that will make them proud and honor their memory.”
Miller reached for my hand when he returned to the seat beside mine. He held himself together for the rest of the funeral but couldn’t hold back his grief during the graveside service. It was the worst day of his life, and I wished I could do something to take away his pain. All I could do was hold on to him and hope he took some comfort in my presence.
Everyone gathered at his parents’ house after we left the cemetery. Lucas and Lily rushed to us the minute we walked through the door. They may not have understood what was happening that day, but they felt the somberness of the occasion.
“I missed you, Uncle Jag,” Lily said as she tucked her head beneath my chin. She wrapped her little arms around my neck, which matched the viselike grip they both had on my heart.
“I missed you too, buttercup.”
I had noticed over the last few days that both Lucas and Lily showed signs of anxiety when Miller and I left them for even short periods. Miller had decided to contact one of the psychologists my firm worked with because he wanted to make sure he was doing his best by them. My eyes met Miller’s, and I knew he’d be making the call first thing in the morning.
“I want to go home to Indy,” Lucas said to Miller. The kids found a lot of comfort in the pets, and it was amazing to watch how the animals instinctively knew how much they were needed.
“We’ll go home soon, big guy. I’m sure Indy misses you too.”
The kids stuck close to our sides as the late morning carried into early afternoon. I could tell Lily was dragging, but I also knew Miller felt obligated to spend time with the people who had stopped by to share memories and offer a kind word.
“How about I read you a story, buttercup?”
“Please, Uncle Jag.” The girl loved her books more than any toy she owned. “You want to hang out with us, champ?”
“Sure.” Lucas wasn’t ever as excited about story time as his sister, but he did appreciate a book with an adventurous storyline. He was so much like Miller sometimes that it wasn’t funny.
Marilyn kept a basket of books for her grandchildren in her sitting room, which was a quiet nook away from the main flow of the house. I immediately felt better once I walked into the comfortable, quiet space. They both picked out a book, then tucked themselves against my sides. Lily fell asleep before I was midway through her book, but I continued to read until the end. Lucas handed me the book he’d chosen, and I held it for him while he read it to me. There were only a few words he got stuck on, but I helped him sound them out. When he was finished, he set the book aside and snuggled his head against my chest just like his sister. It wasn’t long before he was asleep too.
I heard high heels on the hardwood floor in the hallway outside the sitting room. Destiny’s sister, Vanessa, rounded the corner and came to a stop when she saw both kids were sound asleep. I could tell by her expression that she wanted to talk but didn’t want to wake them.
“They’re sound sleepers,” I told her. “Come on in.”
“We haven’t had much of a chance to talk,” she said softly. “It’s been so crazy, and I keep telling myself it’s just a dream. I’m going to wake up and all this heartache”—she covered her heart with her hand—“will go away. But I’m not dreaming. My sister and Darryl really are gone, and these sweet angels have had their lives turned upside down.” She crouched down in front of me and ran her hands over their heads. “My mom and dad are upset because I refuse to challenge Miller for guardianship of Lucas and Lily.” She looked into my eyes and offered a sad smile. “Miller was always Darryl and Destiny’s choice, and it’s the right one. Now they have you too, and they’re just where they need to be.” She stood and sat in the wingback chair beside the sofa.
“Are your parents going to make things harder than they already are for Miller? I have to be honest with you, Vanessa, they’re going to have to go through me first to get these kids away from him. I will use every resource available to me—and they are considerable—to make sure Lucas and Lily stay with Miller because no one will love them more than he does. No one will look out for them the way he will.” Outrage started to build, and I took several breaths to calm myself. “This is a terrible and tragic loss, but them deciding they want two small children out of guilt and grief is not the answer.”
“I agree,” Vanessa said calmly, “which is why I told them I would not support their decision if they pursued custody of the kids. I also told them I’d give a deposition in favor of Miller if they persisted.”
“What did they say?”
“They’re pissed, of course. I think my mother more than my father. I feel like it’s a knee-jerk reaction for my father right now, but once he’s had time to think things through, I hope he’ll calm down and use his influence over my mother.” Vanessa blew out a frustrated breath. “Honestly, my parents weren’t that involved in our lives growing up or even as adults. They’ve engaged very little with Lucas and Lily, so it’s really absurd to think that they suddenly want to be guardians of two active, rambunctious kids. I agree with your assessment that their decision right now is being based on grief and guilt.”
“Thank you for your honesty and candor, Vanessa. It’s a very difficult time for them, and I can understand their grief over losing their daughter and the anxiety of not seeing her children. Miller would never want to keep Lucas and Lily away from them. You have to know he doesn’t operate that way.”
“I do know that, and once they get to know him better, they will too.”
“I must ask you something, and I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. If you really support Miller raising the kids, then I need to be fully aware of all the circumstances of any potential custody hearing.” I looked down to make sure my snuggle buddies were still sound asleep before I asked my question. “Are they going to make an issue out of Miller being gay or that he and I are practically living together?”
“They have honestly never said anything negative about Miller’s sexuality. They knew he was gay when Darryl and Destiny signed the documents to make him the kids’ legal guardian upon their deaths, and they never made any derogatory comments then. However”—she tilted her head to the side—“they probably never thought something like this would happen. Who does? No one really thinks it will, but they plan just in case. Luckily, Darryl and Destiny were prepared, and their wishes should be honored.”
“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens,” I replied. I didn’t learn anything new, except that Vanessa was willing to support Miller as Lucas’s and Lily’s guardian. That part was great news.
Vanessa leaned forward and patted my knee. “I’ll give Miller a call once I know what my parents decide to do.” She rose to her feet. “I’m going to retrieve them and take them home. It’s been nice meeting you, Jag, but I wish it were under happier circumstances.”
