The days leading up to Darryl and Destiny’s funeral were spent in a grief-stricken fog with only a few moments of clarity, each one involving Jag. I recalled the way he’d guided me through the airport and the flight home. He’d never let go of my hand unless he needed his own to perform a function. He always knew what I needed before I did, whether it was a hug, a hand to hold, or a chest to lay my head on as I tried to come to terms with the fact that I would never see my only brother or his amazing wife ever again. The moment that stood out the most in my mind was the night before the funerals.
I had moved Lucas and Lily into my house because I just couldn’t stay in Darryl and Destiny’s house right then. My pain was too new and too raw, and I needed to be strong for my niece and nephew who were heartbroken, confused, and scared. I had been holding in every emotion, and it felt like I was going to explode. Just like he had on the previous days, Jag knew exactly what I needed.
“The kids are sound asleep. Urs and Mal are curled up with Lily, and Indy is sleeping with Lucas,” Jag said as he got into bed beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. “Talk, Bones. Get it all out because it’s eating you alive. If you’re angry, scream into your pillow. If you want to cry, lay your head against me and let it loose. Scared? I’m here to listen. Please don’t pull away from the world like I did because it’s not the answer. That’s a lonely, horrible existence and not a place you want to go. I’m a big boy, so lay it on me.”
I had so many thoughts firing through my brain that it was almost hard to organize them into anything that would make a coherent conversation, but that wasn’t what Jag had asked me to do. He didn’t want me to give a prepared lecture. He wanted me to unburden my heart and share what I was going through.
“I feel all those things.” I leaned in as close to him as I could get. “I’m beyond angry, Jag. I’m so fucking furious, and I worry I am capable of doing horrible things. What email notification on that asshole’s phone was so fucking important it couldn’t wait?” I hated the man who had run the red light and struck Darryl’s car. “Senseless, Jag, completely senseless. He’s a forty-year-old man who knows better. I want him to pay, Jag. I’m not sure jail is harsh enough. Then I realize he must live with what he did for the rest of his life. He can never escape his actions. Ever. He killed two people in the prime of their lives and stole parents from two young children. The mature, reasonable adult in me realizes no amount of jail time or financial penalty will ever bring Darryl and Destiny back, and a vengeful mind is a complete waste of energy.” Tears of frustration began to leak from my eyes. “I don’t want to be mature and reasonable about this, Jag. I want to kick his ass and rage at the unfairness of it all.”
“Me too, Bones. Me too.” Jag kissed the top of my head and ran his hand up and down my arm. He didn’t try to tell me I was wrong. He didn’t use any clichéd phrases about time healing all wounds or putting one foot in front of the other. He listened as promised.
“I’m devastated, Jag.” My voice broke. It seemed like my heart kept breaking over and over as grief flowed through my veins in a never-ending loop. “Darryl was my champion, my dragon slayer.” I swallowed hard to dislodge the emotion choking me. “So many memories of us flash through my mind. The forts we used to build as kids, the tricks we played on each other as teens, and the unconditional way he’d accepted me when I told him I was gay. Darryl was the absolute best big brother I could ever have, and now there’s this gaping hole in my life. I want him back. I want this to be a nightmare. I want to wake up.” Jag repositioned us so we were lying down instead of sitting up. We rolled so we were facing each other, and his arms folded around me. He had lost a brother too, so he knew exactly how I felt. I accepted Jag’s love and comfort and let them wash over me as I tried to come to terms with my new reality.
“I’m really scared. I’m so afraid of doing the wrong thing for Lucas and Lily.” I wasn’t ashamed to admit my worries to him. There was no judgment in his eyes, only understanding. “What if moving them here was the worst thing I could’ve done? Maybe they need to be surrounded by their mom and dad’s things, Jag. Maybe I’m being too selfish and not putting their needs first. Being their favorite uncle for the day or the weekend is not the same thing as being their parent. I could really mess this up.”
“You’re amazing with them, Bones.” Jag’s praise soothed a little of the panic I had been feeling. “Can I make a suggestion, though?” he asked hesitantly.
“Of course.” It wasn’t like him to ask before he offered an opinion, but we were facing a completely different set of circumstances.
“You might consider contacting a child psychologist who can help you work through things like where the kids should live and give you advice for their different stages of grief.” Jag paused to gauge my reaction and continued when he didn’t see hesitance in my expression. It was the best suggestion I had heard about handling the kids, and I had received a lot of unsolicited advice on the matter. “We work with several psychologists through our law practice, and I’ve learned they have a lot of ways to help determine what kids are going through and offer suggestions to ease the turmoil. Kids go through the same stages of grief as adults, but they process each one differently. Sometimes they internalize things more, and other times they act out because they don’t know how to deal with their emotions. I’ve heard so many people tell you what you should be doing these last few days. They mean well, Bones, but unless they’ve been in this exact situation, it’s just a lot of hot air. What Lucas and Lily need right now is love, patience, and comfort, which you’ve provided in spades.”
I expelled a breath as I realized I wasn’t alone. Jag had been right there with me as we comforted the confused and heartbroken children. Not only did I have Jag, but I had all our friends too. Chase, Xavier, and Liam had brought us food every night since we’d gotten home. Ava and Gram had packed up the kids’ clothes and toys and brought them to my house. Gray, Ben, and Jack took turns playing or coloring with them when I needed to handle funeral arrangements or just needed a moment to take a breath. Then there was Jag, my constant, loving shadow. As heartbroken as I was, I was still aware of the amazing people and awesome love surrounding me. Darryl and Destiny would be pleased to know Lucas and Lily had such a wonderful extended family.
“One of us needs to learn how to cook,” I said randomly. “Chase, Xavier, and Liam aren’t going to feed us forever. Destiny will haunt my ass if I feed her babies takeout until they leave for college.” I pictured the scowl she used to wear when she discussed my eating habits, and I couldn’t hold back the laughter. Then I wished she could make fun of me just one more time, and my laughter changed to tears. My laugh had sounded foreign to my ears as if I had expected grief to totally consume every part of my personality. My tears felt like an old comfortable friend by that point, and I allowed them to flow.
“I only know how to make your mom’s stuffed green peppers,” Jag said. “We can’t eat that every night. Liam wants to be a chef. Maybe he can give us some basic lessons so we won’t starve or be forced to exist on pizza rolls, chicken patties, and stuffed peppers.” Jag’s suggestion warmed my heart and helped me focus on doing something positive versus just wallow in sadness. I had accepted I would experience many phases of grief in the days, weeks, and months to come, but it made me feel better if I could find solutions and not just discover more problems. Snippets of conversations I’d overheard from Destiny’s parents floated to the forefront of my mind. “I think I’m going to have a whole other set of problems that may require your services.”
“Destiny’s parents.” Of course he knew who I meant. “You’re worried they’ll sue for custody of the kids.” Jag pulled me closer as if he could shield me from the possibility.
“Be honest with me, Jag. Do they stand a chance?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer.
“Based on what?” Jag ran his hand over my face in a tender gesture, but I saw the shrewd, brilliant legal mind shining in his dark eyes. “Darryl and Destiny chose you to be the legal guardian of their children. They were of sound mind when they made the decision. You have the means to provide for them and, more importantly, the desire to do so.”
“I think this is coming from a place of grief and guilt more than a true desire to raise Lucas and Lily,” I said. It felt so good to be able to admit my feelings out loud. “Destiny was never close to her parents, and they’ve never really taken an active role in the kids’ lives. It seems like Destiny and Darryl chose to celebrate holidays and occasions with our family rather than hers.”
“What about the sister?”
“Vanessa and Destiny were very close, even though there was a fifteen-year age gap between them. She’s a great person and super smart like her sister. She’s in med school at Johns Hopkins and will start residency after she graduates this summer. She supported me as the choice for guardian when Lucas was born six years ago, and I don’t see her changing her mind at this point.”
“Do you think she’d be supportive enough to defend you in court if needed? I know it’s not something we want to think about, but going to court and having a judge decide custody is the worst-case scenario.” He dropped a kiss on my lips before saying, “You asked for my legal opinion, and I’m trying to look at the whole picture. I’m not trying to scare you, Bones. I don’t think they’ll win if this goes before a judge. They’d have to prove you’re unfit or that they’re better fit to raise Lucas and Lily. You are the best choice for those kids. A judge might grant them visitation rights, so you might want to let that sink in and process.” Jag took a deep breath, and I could tell he was pondering whether or not he should share the rest of his thoughts.
“Say what you’re thinking, Jag. Don’t hold back on me now.”
“Are they going to make an issue of your sexuality? Have they ever given any indication or have you had the feeling that they’ll make an issue of a gay man raising their grandchildren? I’m just trying to cover all our bases.”
“They’ve never said anything or behaved in a manner that makes me think that, but I’ve been around them more over the last two days than I have in the fifteen years Darryl and Destiny were married.” I blew out a frustrated breath as, once again, my mind became overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. “I guess we’ll just have to be patient and see what happens.”
“I’ll do anything you want me to, except stay away from you. I’m not going anywhere, Bones. I love you.”
I loved hearing his words of commitment, but the look in his eyes was what penetrated through my tumultuous feelings. “I’m sorry we haven’t…” Jag pressed his hand over my mouth to prevent me from talking.
“Don’t.” Jag closed his eyes and shook his head. I saw worry in his eyes once he reopened them. “I’m sorry if I’ve given you the impression you’re nothing more than sex to me.” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat before he spoke again. “It was so much more from the very first kiss, and we both know it. You breathed life into me, and I knew I was irrevocably changed.” He gave me a sweet smile before he continued. “We made jokes about love, we had fun with our puzzles and games, but the truth is, I meant every sappy word and gesture. The truth is, I’ve always felt like one of those oddly shaped puzzle pieces that never fits no matter how you turn it or how hard you push. I just didn’t fit. Then I met you, and I knew you were the piece I had been missing all along. You’re my perfect fit. Don’t you dare apologize for not feeling like having sex when your universe has been turned upside down and your heart is broken. Don’t think for even a second that I won’t wait patiently for you to be ready. Because I will. There is no sexual encounter with a stranger that would ever be worth losing you.”
“Jag.” I hadn’t realized I was crying again until Jag wiped my tears. “At least they’re happy ones this time.” I gave him a watery smile before I kissed his firm lips. “You’re my perfect fit too. I didn’t even know I was missing anything until you came into my life.” I burrowed my head beneath his chin and closed my eyes as exhaustion from the emotional roller coaster ride I was on set in. I felt a lot better after talking my worries over with Jag.
“We’ll get through this together, Bones. I won’t let you down.” Those were the last words I heard before I drifted off to sleep.
JJ
