I guessed I would find out when things came to a screeching halt, but it wouldn’t be because I walked away from him. I wanted to take control of the situation to prevent more heartache, but I wasn’t ready to stop making memories with him. I would cling to them once he had moved on and I was alone again. I could take them out and remember a time when I’d felt carefree and unburdened by life. I would remember how the warm sun felt against my skin instead of the constant chill of an overhead cloud. I would reminisce a passion so consuming it made me forget about the tragedies of my past. The memories of us would have to be enough because I knew I wouldn’t have Miller for much longer.
Miller
Ihad boxed myself into a corner, and I wasn’t sure how to fight my way out of it. I had told Jag I didn’t want Gray and Chase to know about our arrangement, and because of that, I found myself flirting with Xavier like an idiot right in front of Jag. Tension had radiated off him in waves, and I was worried he misunderstood my flirting as real interest in Xavier. If I hadn’t found myself hooked on Jag, I would’ve been flirting with Xavier for real because the man was stunning.
But Jag had caught me—hook, line, and sinker. I tried to convince myself it was just lust, and it would fade, but I couldn’t fool myself. I somehow must have kept my true feelings hidden from Jag, though, because I’d seen the hurt in his eyes the night of the bachelor party.
I resented the ruse I’d insisted on playing in front of our mutual friends and had no one to blame but myself. I hated that I was falling so deeply in love with Jag that I didn’t want to spend a night away from him, and he didn’t return those feelings. He tried to warn me that prolonged sex would lead to one of us developing feelings for the other, but I didn’t listen. I was so arrogant to believe that I would never fall in love with another man and want to commit myself to him. Ha! Of all the men I could fall in love with, it had to be the one who couldn’t love me in return.
I chose to drink away my frustrations and misery, but all I’d accomplished was pushing Jag further and further away. I had planned on spending the night at his house after the party, but that was completely out of the question after I got wasted and had to be taken home by Chase and Gray.
Gray lectured me about my behavior like he was my father, not my best friend, while Chase just gave me sympathetic looks. I knew worry was the reason for Gray’s gruff demeanor during the ride home. I hadn’t gotten drunk since our early college years, and I knew I was going to regret it in the morning.
I drank a ton of water and took some ibuprofen and a long shower once I got home. While I was definitely intoxicated, I wasn’t falling-down drunk. I stood beneath the spray and thought about how I wanted to go forward with Jag. If I even still had that chance. Jag was right. It was no one’s business what we did together. We were consenting adults, and if we wanted to hook up and have sex, then that was what we would do. We weren’t hurting anyone by being together, so why did I want to keep us a secret?
I was afraid. I had insisted on secrecy so no one would know just how badly I was hurt when we were over. I didn’t want pitying glances because of my broken heart. I didn’t want sympathetic pats on the arm to go with trite advice on how I’d move on in time.
I let the hot water ease the tension in my body as I dropped all my defenses and blinders so I could really evaluate my relationship with Jag. Yes, it had become a relationship, and there was no other way to describe it. I wasn’tfallingin love with him; I wasinlove with him. A goofy smile spread across my face as I let that truth sink in. I was in love for the first time in my life, and I was screwing it up royally. The latter part of my thought caused the smile to slip from my face.
The way I saw it, I had two options. One, I could keep pretending things with Jag were just a sexual arrangement and let the fling run its course, then walk away with a broken heart when it was over. Or two, I could tell Jag just how I felt about him and see what happened. The worst-case scenario would be that he didn’t return my feelings, and he would end our relationship. Either way had the potential to lead to heartbreak, unless he returned my feelings, which I wouldn’t know unless I talked to him. I knew in my heart his feelings for me went beyond sex, but I wasn’t sure how far. I went to bed with a clear plan in mind to call Jag and apologize to him for the way I’d behaved at the party. I wanted to tell him how I really felt about him and promise I was done playing games.
Unfortunately, I woke up with a hangover so bad it hurt just to breathe. There was no way I could give him some great speech about being willing to take a chance on us. Luckily for me, I didn’t vomit. I was the world’s biggest baby when that happened. I’d suffer anything over vomiting any day of the week.
I gingerly brushed my teeth to avoid gagging and went downstairs to make a cup of strong coffee. I had just entered the kitchen when my doorbell rang. My body knew who was on the other side of the door before I even opened it. My hangover had no impact on my body’s ability to crave the man who played it like a finely tuned instrument.
The smile slid off my face when I saw his posture and expression. Even though he held two coffees and a pastry bag from Adam and Steve’s Bakery, it looked like he had come over prepared to battle or maybe to say goodbye. My nausea increased tenfold at the thought of us being over. It was so bad I nearly clutched my stomach and moaned out loud. He must have seen how badly I was hurting because the tension in his face softened, and he offered a small smile.
“I thought you could use some strong caffeine and some sugar this morning.”
“Or a time machine so I could go back and do last night over.” I stepped aside to let him in. Instead of walking by me, he stopped and gave me the gentlest, sweetest kiss I had ever received. “I feel better already,” I said honestly, not caring how cheesy I sounded. He wouldn’t kiss me like that if he was telling me goodbye. His simple kiss alleviated a large portion of my suffering.
I doctored my coffee with creamer and sugar while Jag placed the assorted donuts and pastries on a plate. I was so grateful for his presence that I decided not to confess my feelings out of fear that he’d leave. I just couldn’t deal with that devastation on top of my hangover, so I kept my mouth shut. However, I did owe him an apology for my behavior at the bachelor party.
“Jag, I am sorry for flirting with Xavier so obnoxiously and for getting drunk last night.” I turned on the couch to face him because I needed him to see the sincerity in my eyes. Jag looked up from feeding a tiny bite of a strawberry-and-cream-flavored cake donut to Indy. “My behavior was atrocious, and I regret it.”
“It’s okay.” Jag’s casual voice didn’t match his stiff posture, and I knew he was either trying to avoid a conversation or taking pity on me in my wretched state.
“It’s not okay. I need you to know two things, then I’ll shut up.” Jag nodded for me to continue, but he couldn’t hide the skepticism in his eyes. “I flirted with Xavier because it was expected of me. He’s a hot, single guy who I would flirt with under normal circumstances. If I didn’t, Gray would’ve pounced, and the whole night would’ve been him interrogating me about who I was seeing and whether it was serious.”
“Okay.” The sad resignation I heard in his voice was like a stab to the heart. I had hurt him by insisting we keep our relationship a secret and through my callous behavior the previous night.
“I’m not done yet.” I took a deep breath before I continued. “Flirting with Xavier felt wrong to me, Jag, so I tried to bury my discontent in alcohol. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“Come here,” Jag said as he turned and reclined against the arm of the couch. I lay on my side between his legs and rested my head on his chest. He ran his long fingers through my hair and massaged gentle circles into my scalp and temple.
I fell asleep against his strong chest and stayed that way for a few hours. When I woke, my headache was gone, and the guy I had fallen in love with was looking at me with forgiveness in his eyes. I should’ve told him right then what I was feeling, but I chickened out.One more day, I told myself because I was convinced Jag would walk once I told him the truth.
I gave my body and heart to him and hoped he could feel the difference in my touch and the way my lips lingered on his flesh. I made love to Jag instead of fucking him. We had been moving closer and closer to lovemaking every time we were together. My toes curled tightly when he finally slid inside me. The expression in Jag’s eyes gave me hope that we could have more, but I still wasn’t willing to risk it. Afterward, I returned to my spot against his chest and pushed the world and my worries away so I could bask in him—in us.
It felt like a turning point, and the weeks that led up to Gray and Chase’s wedding were wonderful. We spent most of our free time together, and I convinced myself that Jag returned my feelings but was just as nervous as I was when it came to divulging them. I decided I would tell Gray the truth after they returned from their honeymoon. Once I could be honest with my best friend, I would tell Jag I had fallen for him.
The day of the wedding was gorgeous with just the right amount of sunshine and low humidity. I arrived at the church and went in search of Gray so I could have a private word with him before the ceremony.
“Your bow tie is a little crooked,” I said as I gave it a slight adjustment. “I might tease you mercilessly, Gray, but I’m so happy for you today.” His smile was so radiant it was almost blinding. “Chase is the best thing to ever happen to you, and I am so proud of you for taking the chance and putting your heart out there. The two of you are really inspiring to the rest of us jokers stumbling around through life.” I pulled Gray into a tight hug and slapped his back several times. “I love you, Gray.”
“I love you too, Miller.” Gray returned the backslapping and pulled back to look at me. “I can’t wait until you stop running and let some amazing guy catch you.” I gave him the half-disgusted, half-skeptical look that he was expecting because it was easier to fall back into my normal routine than to tell him I had already been caught. “Loving someone the way I love Chase makes it all worth it, buddy.”
Preston entered the room just then, preventing me from saying anything else. “Gray, Pastor Simms wants the best men to take their places at the altar. I’m going to go get Xavier and get into position.” Preston hugged his brother and bumped my fist before he left the room.
