It took me a long time to re-erect the arrogant, bored mask that everyone expected me to wear at Chase’s bachelor bowling party. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to disappoint Chase who wanted me there. I knew he battled Gray over our friendship, and I didn’t want it to be for nothing. I pulled on my big boy briefs and went to his party, but unfortunately, all my hesitating had made me a little late.
The first thing I saw when I walked into the bowling alley was Miller sizing up Xavier. It was the first time I had seen Miller interact in a group since the alumni event in December. I hadn’t liked seeing him flirt with Senator Thompson, and because of that, I might have led the good senator to believe I wanted to reacquaint myself with his body when all I really wanted to do was get him away from Miller. The possessiveness I felt that night had driven me to take Miller like a crazed animal in his office. But those feelings of jealousy and possessiveness paled in comparison to how I felt when I saw Miller chatting up Xavier.
Luckily for me, Gray recognized what was going on and intervened. I wouldn’t admit it out loud to anyone, but I was quickly becoming one of Grayson Wright’s biggest fans. Not only did he treat Chase like a prince and make him deliriously happy, but he saved me from making an ass of myself that night. If Xavier had given the green light, would Miller have taken him for a ride? The thought made me physically ill. Miller walked away from the group and headed to the bar, and I almost left the bowling alley. I could text Chase the next morning and apologize for missing his party and blame it on work, but Gray’s eyes locked on mine. He said something and nodded in my direction causing those around him to look at me.So much for a quick escape.
I wanted to believe the regret I saw in Miller’s eyes when he rejoined the group was a plea for me to understand he was just flirting, but in actuality it was probably regret his plans for the night had been foiled. My gaze landed on Chase, and I forgot all about my disappointment and anger. My friend radiated so much happiness it nearly hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn’t help but smile as he practically levitated with joy and bliss. The party was about him, to honor his bright future with the man he loved, so I forced myself to focus on him and not Miller.
“Hey, cutie.” I pulled Xavier into a one-armed hug and ruffled his hair. I looked into Xavier’s dark eyes and noticed the lack of sparkle that was usually present. Whatever had kept him away from home for so long had really done a number on him. I recognized the look in Xavier’s eyes because I’d worn the same one for many years growing up in an unstable and often violent home. I hated whoever had hurt this sweet, sensitive soul so badly.
“You’re still so freaking annoying,” Xavier said as he jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow until I turned him loose. Xavier’s crooked grin as he straightened his hair told me he wasn’t as annoyed as he let on.
I looked up and my gaze locked on hostile gray eyes that were assessing me as a threat. I had been around Ben a few times at the gatherings I’d attended at Chase and Gray’s. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he sure as hell didn’t like me touching Xavier in any way. Xavier hadn’t been home yesterday when I’d talked to Chase, so the little shit had been home for less than twenty-four hours and already had two sexy guys chasing his tail.
“Let’s get to bowling,” Gram said, coming up behind us. “Lennie wants to go home soon so I can tuck him in.” Chase and Xavier nearly threw up while the rest of us hooted with laughter. I loved that crazy lady, even though she’d wanted to throttle me more often than not. There was no pretentiousness about Agnes Simmons. She put herself out there and dared the world to say something to her. She was a woman who’d taken in a broken and beaten Xavier when he was just a little boy and raised him like her own. As much as I admired her confidence and boldness, I adored her huge capacity to love even more.
The beers started to flow, but I kept myself to just one since I’d be driving. It was obvious Miller wasn’t too concerned about driving as he knocked them back pretty damn fast. Because it was expected of us, Miller and I started making jokes about monogamy and marriage.
“I mean, don’t you get sick of having sex with him?” Miller slurred his words as he pointed to Gray. “I’m not saying you suck in the bedroom,” he explained to Gray, “well, I’m sure you suck there and other places too, but what I meant was don’t you get worried about just having sex with each other? Forever!”
We listened as Chase and Gray cooed over how lucky they were to have one another. As happy as I was for them, I was fucking miserable. Miller and I had been seeing each other exclusively for several months, or so I’d thought. That was what we’d agreed to, and I never questioned him. Then I recalled the lusty way he’d appraised Xavier and had to wonder if I was the only one staying true to our exclusive arrangement. The uncertainty I felt created turbulence I had a hard time handling, so I used those feelings of irritation and projected them toward my distaste for commitment and monogamy. Besides, I wasn’t about to be the weak one in this thing I had going on with Miller, so I had to put my two cents in.
“I might puke,” I said to Chase and Gray as they smooched and fawned all over each other, only I knew my words were actually addressed to Miller, who still flirted with Xavier every chance he got.
Miller mistook my statement as an agreement with his assessment of committed relationships and held up his fist for a bump. I obliged him rather than leaving him hanging and tried to ignore the zip and zing of electricity that jolted up my arm after I bumped my fist to his. I could tell he felt it too from the widening of his gorgeous blue eyes and the parting of his lips. That was all it took to remind him of all the nights we’d spent pleasuring each other. It should’ve been enough to ease the irritation I felt, but it didn’t.
I spent the rest of the evening ignoring Miller as I tried my best to kick his team’s ass. There were many times I caught him staring at me when I turned around after releasing my ball down the lane. Miller had confessed how much he loved my long legs, and I would’ve gladly wrapped them around him, but I was anything but turned on by his behavior. I had never seen him drunk before, and I had to say, it wasn’t appealing in the least.
It looked like Ben was trying to give Miller a run for his money. I wasn’t sure how they were still able to bowl so competitively considering the amount of beer they’d consumed, but they didn’t seem to be affected. In fact, the more beer they drank, the better they bowled. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve been impressed, but the anger and jealousy that burned through my blood diminished any positive thoughts I felt toward Miller.
“Come sit by me for a minute, J,” Ava called out from where she had been sitting with Xavier’s sister, Ellie. “Keep me company for a few minutes, will you? Ellie went home because she wasn’t feeling very well, and I’m all alone.” I sat down next to Ava as she rubbed her rounded baby bump.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” She was beauty personified and good to her core. She would be a wonderful mother to the bundle of baby joy she had on board.
“Pretty good for the most part. I’m in the final stretch now with only a few months left to go. We have the nursery all set up, and that makes me happy.” Ava cocked her head to the side and studied me through narrowed eyes. “I didn’t invite you to sit down so we could discuss baby stuff, though.” She leaned closer and lowered her voice. “How long have you and Miller been sexing each other up?”
“Huh?” My mind began to spin as I thought back to all the times Miller, Ava, and I had been at the same gathering. There had only been a few occasions since Miller and I had started having sex, and I couldn’t recall a single incident that could have given us away.
“It’s the body language you two have when you’re near each other,” Ava replied. “There’s a spark between you when you look into each other’s eyes. I thought maybe it was because of the way Miller was hitting on Xavier, but I realized he’s only doing that to hide how he feels about you. I take it you guys don’t want Chase or Gray to know?”
“Hedoesn’t want them to know. I don’t care who knows.” I’d confessed a lot to her with just a few words.
“Ah,” Ava said, then smiled tenderly at me. “So it’s finally happened, then? You’ve fallen in love.” Heat washed over me, and my skin suddenly felt tight. “If it makes you feel any better, I think he feels the same way too. I think he’s flirting so hard and drinking so much to fight what he’s feeling.” I turned and looked at Miller where he stood talking to Gray. As if he felt my eyes on him, he turned and looked at me. I thought I saw desire in his eyes, but it was hard to see beyond the glazed drunkenness.
“I don’t think so, Ava.” I turned my attention back to her. “It’s just sex between us, and I think it’s run its course.” I took hold of her hand and raised it to my lips for a kiss. “Not everyone finds the perfect person for them like you and Chase did. Some of us aren’t meant for that kind of happiness.”
“Bullshit,” Ava said with a roll of her eyes. “That’s just an excuse people use when they’re scared. You’re going to find your own happiness someday. If not with Miller, then with someone else. He’s going to be a really lucky guy too.” I leaned forward and gave her a tender kiss on her forehead. It was nice to know that she was still my champion after all these years.
“You’re one of a kind, Ava.”
“Right back atcha.”
I felt bad leaving her when it was my next turn to bowl. I felt Miller’s eyes on me once again when I walked up the steps and got into position. It was my last frame, and I was torn between rolling strikes to help my team win or just throwing it down the lane so I could close the door on the night and go home to my cats and bed. I was starting to sound like the crazy cat gay.
Our team won, much to Chase’s delight. Gray had already told Miller he’d drop him off, so I knew he had a ride home. Like a coward, I waited until Miller had gone to the restroom to say my goodbyes and leave. It wasn’t like we could’ve had a conversation anyway with everyone around. It felt wrong to drive away without saying goodbye to him, but I didn’t trust myself to keep it together. I was angry and hurt. I could have tried to deny I felt those things, but it would’ve been pointless.
The night ended completely different than what I had expected. I thought we’d go to the party, then end up at one of our houses for a night of passion. Instead, I climbed into my empty bed and lay awake for a long time pondering the future for Miller and me while Mal and Urs curled into each other and purred as they slept on the pillow next to mine. I was grateful for the comfort my gals gave me, but I would have much preferred for them to be sleeping at my feet so my extra pillow could be taken up by Miller instead.
It was obvious that I was going to get hurt when this thing ended between us, and I wondered if maybe I should terminate it on my terms instead of waiting for him to do it for me. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest just thinking about telling Miller that I wanted to end things. I couldn’t imagine the pain if I actually uttered the words out loud to him. Would he care? Would he miss me and my touch? Would Miller remember all the laughs we shared and the memories we made outside the bedroom, or was I just another faceless fuck to him?
