“Are you still in love with Chase?” He grimaced once the question left his mouth, and I wondered how long he’d been thinking about that.
“No.” That was my short answer, but I saw in his eyes that he needed more from me. “I thought I was in love with him for a very long time. I realized that what I had been feeling was love but not the passionate kind. I was in love with the memories I had of a happier time in my life. I love Chase with all my heart, but I am notinlove with him anymore.” I had maintained eye contact with Miller while I answered his question. I wanted him to hear my words and see the truth of them in my gaze.
“Okay,” he finally said. “I still think you should tell him just so you can have a truly clean slate. It’s obvious he’s not carrying any grudges against you, but it’s very possible he’s hurt you won’t confide in him as a friend would. If Gray refused to confide something in me, it would really bother me.”
“I’m afraid he might blame himself because he asked me to hang back a few extra days. I wanted to stay, and his asking made it easy for me to say yes. Chase is a very sensitive person, and I don’t want to do anything that will hurt him. Besides, if I make him cry, your BFF will kill me, and you’ll be forced to settle for second-rate sex again.” I was tired of being sad and talking about morose things.
“It’s your decision, and I support you, Jag.” Miller leaned in and kissed me softly.
We eventually settled in to resume hisIndiana Jonesbirthday marathon. His couch was big enough that we could both lie down. I lay behind Miller and held him tight in my arms while I watched Indy’s adventures play out on the screen and listened to Indy the pug snore by our feet. It was just what I needed after I’d cut myself open and bled out all my pain for Miller to see.
It wasn’t long before my eyes got heavy, and I had a hard time staying awake. I knew I should get up and go home because sleepovers weren’t part of our agreement. It was the first time I held Miller in my arms out of comfort rather than passion, and it felt like pure heaven. I didn’t want to walk away. I turned my brain off and let myself drift off feeling content and at peace for the first time in a very long time.
Miller
Ihadn’t meant to fall asleep on the couch with Jag because it blurred the lines we’d established. I was surprised when I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered I had turned into his arms. My nose was pressed to his throat, and his arms held me tightly against his sleeping body so I wouldn’t fall off the couch. Jag was a natural-born protector, and it spilled over into his sleep.
I lay there in the dark for several minutes before I realized the room shouldn’t be dark. The TV should’ve been on with the screen showing the DVD menu for the movie. At some point, Jag must’ve turned off the TV and decided to stay with me on the couch instead of going home. I wasn’t foolish enough to think the gesture meant anything more than Jag needing comfort from me.
Tears burned the back of my eyes, and my nose began to sting as I replayed what he had divulged. It broke my heart to hear all the pain Jag had been carrying inside himself for so long. I hated that he felt so alone with no one to share his burdens. I hated even more that Jag didn’t think he deserved to be loved and somehow felt the universe had punished him by taking away Will because he had dared to love and dream. I was truly grateful he’d trusted me with his hurts and turned to me for comfort.
I had held my shit together when Jag was telling his story because I knew he needed me to be strong for him, but I allowed myself to release my tears and cry for the broken boy he used to be. That wasn’t the man who held me in his arms, though. He had moved so far beyond that kid. Jag just needed to see it for himself. Maybe then he would realize he was meant to have so much more than a lonely, loveless life.
I debated waking him up and taking him upstairs to sleep once I gathered my composure and dried my tears. I worried Jag would think I was upset that he’d stayed over, and that wasn’t the case at all. He needed me, and I was glad I could be there for him. I decided to take a chance and kissed him awake.
“I’m sorry I fell asleep.” Jag unwrapped his arms from around me to stretch his body. “Just give me a few minutes to wake up, and I’ll take off.”
“I didn’t wake you up to leave. I woke you up so we could go to my bed where there’s more room.” Silence met my statement, but I swore I heard a hamster in his brain running triple time in its wheel as he struggled to think through my offer. “You’re thinking way too hard, Jag.” I gave him a quick kiss, then climbed off the couch. “You know your way to my bedroom. My offer of a large comfortable bed and warm body stands. No hurt feelings if you want to stay down here, okay?” I patted my leg a few times, and Indy jumped down off the couch and followed me upstairs to my bedroom.
I stripped down to my underwear and put Indy on the bed before climbing between the sheets. I lay there in complete silence as I listened to see what Jag decided to do. After several minutes, he was still on the couch, and I squashed my feelings of disappointment before they could take root. I was just about to fall asleep when I heard his feet on the stairs.
I remained silent as he undressed in the darkness of my bedroom. I tried not to giggle when I heard him give Indy a good night scratch and a kiss on the top of his head. I attempted to keep my breathing even as if I was asleep, but the brush of his bare legs against mine ruined my efforts. I kept my eyes shut and lay still, even though I wanted to curl into his heat. Luckily for me, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to cuddle because Jag rolled over onto his side and curled around my body.
“Thank you for being there for me, Bones. I think I needed to talk about my past more than I realized.” Jag pressed a kiss to the back of my neck and let out a pent-up breath.
“Anytime, Jag, and I mean that.”
I fell asleep wrapped up in his heat but woke up alone. I always woke up alone, so it shouldn’t have bothered me. I should’ve been glad we’d avoided any awkwardness and could just go back to screwing the next time we hooked up. Instead, I missed Jag’s heat and the smell of his skin. I pouted like a petulant child because I hadn’t gotten the birthday sex I had been looking forward to the previous day. Okay, I was more upset about Jag leaving without a goodbye than I was about the lack of sex. For some stupid reason, I’d woken up wanting things to be different between us.
I still didn’t believe I could ever settle down with one guy. So what if Jag had been the only one I’d had sex with since we first got together several months ago. That didn’t mean I was falling in love or wanted to settle down with him. I’d just gotten comfortable, and I liked it. Ha! There wasn’t anything comfortable about the passion I shared with Jag. I rolled over and punched my pillow in frustration, and that was when I discovered the note on the vacant pillow beside me.
Maybe I should’ve been embarrassed Jag had discovered the dinosaur stationery my mother had given me for Christmas, but all I could concentrate on was that he was coming back. My dick perked up, and my body came alive at the thought of a birthday orgasm. Jag had told me earlier in the week that I could have any kind of birthday orgasm I wanted. My mind nearly overloaded with images of all the dirty things we could do.Maybe I could talk him into staying all day and giving me multiple orgasms.
It didn’t take much convincing. Jag came back with two cups of coffee and a variety of pastries, but the only thing I wanted in my mouth was his tongue or dick. He read the desire in my eyes and set the items on the bedside table to be forgotten for a very long time. What started out as playful birthday spankings turned into the most erotic sex I had ever had. There wasn’t a part of me Jag didn’t worship with his entire body. He brought me to the brink of orgasm only to hold me back from falling over the edge. When he finally let me come, it was the most explosive experience of my life. Once I caught my breath, I wanted to do it all over again, but I wanted to be the one driving him insane with burning need that shook him to his core. He gladly gave his pleasure over to me, and it was the best birthday gift I had ever received. I didn’t think we left my room until late in the afternoon, and that was only because we needed something more sustainable than sugary baked goods.
We grilled steaks and finished our movie marathon curled up like lovers on my couch. Neither of us put a name to what we were feeling or discussed it out loud. It seemed we had both made a conscious effort to silently acknowledge that our feelings had moved beyond sexual gratification. I had never experienced anything like my current emotions, and it felt like I was adrift in the middle of the ocean without any sort of life preserver. I was awed by the sheer beauty and power of the ocean surrounding me but terrified of what I couldn’t see beneath the water’s surface. I was floating and drowning at the same time.
I wished I could talk to Gray, but that was out of the question. He couldn’t be objective when it came to Jag. He was convinced Jag was still in love with Chase, and nothing anyone said would change his mind. I knew only time would fix the problem, but that didn’t help me when I needed advice immediately. I didn’t want to wait months or years for Gray to come around. So I decided to keep my thoughts to myself and see where things took us one day at a time.
JJ
The more time I spent around Miller, the harder I fell for him. It was impossible not to be charmed by his every word, touch, and kiss. Talking to him about my past had eased so much of the weight I had been carrying on my shoulders for so long. Before I’d unburdened myself to Miller, it felt like I had a dark cloud of doom floating over my head that prevented the sunlight from reaching me. After telling him about my past, I finally felt the warmth of the sun on my skin.
Our sexual relationship had changed as well. Our connection felt more intense. We spent more time drawing out each other’s pleasure instead of fucking furiously while we chased our orgasms. The touches and kisses lingered, and more time was spent on foreplay. Every inch of Miller’s beautiful body was burned into my mind. I knew there was something very different about having sex with Miller from our very first encounter. We had maintained eye contact the whole time, and that wasn’t how random hookups usually went. I would bend someone over and pound them six ways to Sunday, but I never once looked them in the eyes. That was too personal. With Miller, it had been personal from the onset, and I’d been fooling myself when I’d chosen to believe differently.
What I didn’t know was how Miller felt about our arrangement. We had spent several more nights together since our first sleepover, taking turns so our animals didn’t feel lonely. In fact, Miller brought Indy to my house with him when he slept over. It almost felt as if we were forming a little family of our own, but I didn’t let myself dwell on those thoughts or get my hopes up too high. It was a good thing I’d kept my feet planted firmly on the ground because if not, Miller would have surely knocked me back to earth.
He’d made it abundantly clear he still didn’t want anyone to know about ourarrangement.Fuck, I hated that goddamned word. Miller said it would only confuse people and fire up their matchmaking. I told him we were grown-ass adults, and it wasn’t anyone’s business. I didn’t like being his dirty little secret, but I kept that thought to myself. I figured a sure-fire way to kill ourarrangementwould be to start acting needy. It hurt, though. It was hard enough to hide the feelings I was developing for Miller from him, but I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in front of Chase.
