We’d seen so many horrible things on the battlefields, but nothing hit closer to home than hearing about the Nazi concentration camps for Jewish citizens, homosexuals, or anyone else the Nazis judged as living a deviant life. Jeremiah and I were not in one of the units that discovered the victims of these camps, but word circulated quickly about the atrocities found. Stories of humans who looked more like walking skeletons, piles and piles of bones, and crematoriums. What kind of monsters did these things to other human beings? And why, because of fear or not understanding? Whatever the reason, there was no excuse for their cruelty.
I saw the look on Jeremiah’s face when we were told about the camps and knew I wore a similar expression of horror. No matter how much we loved one another, we would never be together. People were tried, convicted, and sent to jail for being a homosexual in some countries. Some men were told they could choose between chemical castration and jail. What kind of choice was that? I couldn’t chance that I would be the reason that Jeremiah was hurt. Maybe some were strong enough to brave the hatred and intolerance, and perhaps in some parts of the United States it would be accepted, but not rural West Virginia in 1945.
I made my decision to have one last night with Jeremiah once the European battle was over and then I would volunteer for duty in the Pacific. I had no one waiting for me at home and I wasn’t ready to face reality without Jeremiah. Maybe, I had a death wish, but my decision was made and I stood resolute.
Our goodbye was beautiful and ugly at the same time. The final joining of our souls was beautiful, but the tears we cried over defeated dreams were ugly as hell. We sobbed into each other’s arms until a few hours before dawn. I made love to him one last time before we returned to camp and then I set about applying for a transfer.
We never said goodbye publicly, because neither one of us would be able to hold back our emotions in front of everyone. The memories of the last night we had in Berlin would have to last us for a lifetime. It would have to sustain the loneliness of a life without a soulmate. I was sure that I could love again; I could find a nice girl, settle down, and have a family like what was expected of me. I also was certain that the part of my heart I had given to Jeremiah would always belong to him and no matter how happy I might be in the future, I would always wish for things that could never be and wonder: what if.
Reading my granddad’s heartbreak just about killed me. I had survived a lot during my battles. I had seen death rip my friends away from me, I held them in my arms while they breathed their last breath, but this was the worst pain I had ever felt. I had never missed my granddad as much as I did in that moment. I wanted to hug him one more time.
“When I was still in high school our family took a vacation to Europe,” I said through my tears. “Big Jack wanted to see some of the memorials that had been built and wanted his family to respect what the men and women of his generation had gone through to defeat evil.” I stopped to wipe some tears from my face. “We went to Normandy and Paris along with several other stops as we made our way to Berlin. I noticed how emotional granddad was, but I chalked it up to memories of the war. There was something so different about his grief in Berlin though.” Liam reached over and caressed the back of my neck when I paused because it had become too difficult speak. He calmed my broken heart like no one else could and I continued to tell the story.
“We set out to see the museums and monuments and with each visit he became more and more despondent. I rarely saw Big Jack cry, but I had come upon him a few times in Berlin when he was alone with tears streaking down his face. Now I know why. He may not have died in battle there, but his hopes and dreams did.”
Liam crawled onto my lap and wrapped his arms around me. I held onto him as if I would never let go. I cried for my granddad’s broken heart and because it could have been me. I could’ve continued to deny who I was and live the rest of my life not knowing how amazing it feels to truly love and be loved.
“I’m sorry,” Liam whispered in my ear. “I know it hurts, but we’ll do our best to make it right; as best we can when we meet Jeremiah. I know he might not recognize your granddad’s picture, but we can at least try. If nothing else, we can at least leave the picture with him so that they’ll be together, even if we’re the only ones who know the significance of the photo.” Liam kissed my lips softly a few times before pressing his forehead to my shoulder.
Charlie came over and head-butted my hand so that I would scratch his ears. Liam and Charlie gave me the perfect amount of comfort to ease my hurt. Maybe I should have felt ashamed that I was blubbering over my granddad’s journals, but I wasn’t. Loving and caring about people didn’t make you weak; it made you strong. Crying tears made me a human. Loving someone was a risk to my heart, but not taking the risk was the same as not living. I was beyond grateful that I had taken the chance and risked my heart – everything – for Liam. He was worth it; we were worth it.
JACK AND Ihad survived the first two Thanksgiving dinners – his family the Saturday before Thanksgiving and my family on the actual holiday. The Sunday after Thanksgiving found us at Chase and Gray’s new house. My brother wanted to have a large gathering to celebrate with his friends and family. He knew we would already be spread thin during the week leading up to the event, so he chose the Sunday after.
Jack and I arrived early so that I could help Chase prepare food for the large crowd that would be arriving later that afternoon. I gave Jack a kiss and left him with Gray to watch football while I headed to the kitchen to find my brother. I entered the kitchen and found him leaning over the open oven basting a turkey.
“Smells delicious,” I said, inhaling the delicious aroma of rosemary, lemon, and sweet basil. “Put me to work.” I placed my tote on the counter and began to unload the side dishes I had started prepping at home.
“Mmmm, cornbread casserole,” Chase said, coming over to stand beside me once he returned the turkey to the oven. “You didn’t have to bring so many things.” He shook his head as he looked at the deviled eggs, cranberry salad, and the desserts I made in addition to the cornbread casserole. “Thank you for helping me out,” he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, “I’ve never cooked for so many people.”
“I do hope to be a chef someday so this is right up my alley.” I threw a sly smile his way and stored the food I brought in his refrigerator until it was time to do something with it. I looked around his new kitchen and was once again slightly jealous of his set up, especially his double oven wall unit. I drooled over it every time I was at their house.
“Tell me about your dinners with the families,” Chase said, as he set about peeling a large bag of potatoes. I joined him at the counter and helped with the task. It was the one kitchen chore I fucking hated the most when I helped my mom in the kitchen.
“They were wonderful, Chase.” I thought back over how well Jack fit in with my family and I was crazy about his large family. “His sister, McKenna, announced she is having a baby so Patrick and Claire are getting their first grandchild in about six months. They are so excited and it was a beautiful thing to witness.” I smiled when I remembered the happy tears that Claire cried as she hugged her daughter and son in-law.
“That’s great news. Is Jack excited too?”
“He is really happy for them.” I recalled something that Jack’s great-aunt Bea said once the announcement was made and started to laugh. Chase looked at me questioningly so I enlightened him. “Jack’s great-aunt Bea is a lot like Gram, but twenty years older. She has no filter and I mean none.” That got Chase’s attention. “So, everyone is all ‘congratulations’ and ‘we’re so happy for you’ and Bea blows right through that sweetness with, ‘it’s about damn time. I was beginning to believe your swimmers were too stupid to swim downstream or that your undershorts were too tight and you were strangling them before they had a chance to knock her up.’”
“Wow,” Chase said after he had a good laugh. “That does sound like something Gram would say. How’d it go with your family?”
Jack had been going with me to Sunday brunch for the last month. He was pretty stiff the first visit, fearing that my parents wouldn’t like him, but he relaxed and let them get to know him. My mom was totally smitten with Jack and my dad admired him a lot. They bonded over cars, sports, and building their own businesses with nothing but their own two hands, while my mom and I worked in the kitchen. Leah’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head the first time she saw him, but I was used to people gaping at him. She got over it pretty quick and treated him to her teenage snarkastic attitude. Why should Jack be spared just because he was beautiful?
“It was great,” I said, but my tone didn’t match the words. Chase raised his eyebrow, so I explained. “Jack got both of my parents off to the side at different times to talk to them, but wouldn’t tell me what they discussed when I asked him about it after we left. He just told me it was a private chat and tried to distract me with sex.”
“Did it work?” Chase asked while waggling his brows
“Yes,” I replied, feeling my cheeks turn slightly pink. “I brought it up once more the next day, but he changed the subject.”
Chase hummed a few seconds before saying, “He was probably asking them what to get you for Christmas or something. People think that quiet guys like Jack don’t have a lot going on upstairs and that’s the reason for the silence. I say that still waters run deep and he probably has been giving your Christmas gift a lot of consideration.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t convinced. It was true that Jack was a quiet guy, but he was only that way in public. I got to see his real personality and I selfishly loved that about us. “I don’t suspect it’s anything bad, but we don’t keep secrets from each other.” I waved my hand in annoyance at my own self.
“You believe in him, you trust him, and you are madly in love with him, right?” I nodded. “Whatever he said to them was important to him - something he wanted to say or express to your parents about how he felt about you. Maybe he needed to be reassured that they approved of your relationship.”
Chase’s words resonated in my brain and tickled my memory of how Jack once stressed over our age difference. Did he think my parents wouldn’t approve of him because he was twelve years older? Chase might’ve really been onto something, but I would not bring it up to Jack. I did trust him so I would prove it by not speaking about it again.
“I was really hoping to include your family in today’s festivities,” Chase said with a mock pout. “I’m looking forward to meeting them.”
