“Hmmm,” came his sleepy reply behind me.
“Big Jack and Jeremiah won’t let me go to sleep.”
“Me either.” Jack placed a kiss on the back of my head before he climbed off of the couch to retrieve the journal and I got us both a beer, knowing that we’d probably need it. “May I?” I asked, holding my hand out for the journal. Jack handed the journal to me and I opened it to where we had last left off and read aloud.
August 25, 1944
The liberation of Paris only lasted for a week, because German resistance was lighter than expected. Perhaps some of the Germans were as sick of the death and destruction as we were. Perhaps some of them missed their families and just wanted to go home too. Paris had been held captive by the Nazis for over four years and the celebration of Germany’s surrender was like nothing I had ever witnessed.
People came running out of their homes and businesses to greet us as we moved through the city streets. Some of the women kissed our GIs and posed for pictures with them. All I could think about was finding a quiet spot to have some alone time with Jeremiah. It had been so long since I got to hold him in my arms. I would settle for just being able to hold him, but I had hoped for more.
Luckily, the celebrations were just the distraction we needed to slip away. No one noticed that we had disappeared with so many people around. Jeremiah and I made up for lost time- relearning every part of each other until the wee hours of the morning.
A young woman came across us as we were making our way back to our unit. I had just stolen a quick kiss from Jeremiah, thinking that no one would be out and about at that time. I saw the knowing look in her eyes and held my breath, waiting for her to say something to us, or out us to others, but it didn’t happen. She offered us a kind smile as she walked on past. Even then, European views were more open and accepting of homosexuality. During the brief walk back to our unit, I had hoped that Jeremiah and I could find that acceptance in our own country when we returned.
That hope died the minute we returned and another guy in our unit asked us where we had been. Jeremiah told him we had found a couple of sweethearts who made us feel very welcome in their country. I knew why he said what he did, but it hurt like hell. Things weren’t quite the same between us after that and had I known then what I did now, I’d have found a way to put my hurt feelings aside and spend my energy on finding more private moments with Jeremiah.
Hindsight is 20/20 and regret is a ghost who haunts your every waking minute and sometimes your dreams too.
“I know just how he felt,” I said softly once I was finished. “Kenner used to do the exact same thing to me.” I turned to face Jack. “At least you never did that to someone, Jack. The only person you hurt was yourself. You never held someone in your arms and told them that you loved them and denied their relevance in public. Times were so different back then and I’m not judging Jeremiah; I’m just saying I know exactly how Big Jack felt.”
“No, I can be proud of myself for not doing that to someone else, but I would’ve had to lie and deny if I had fallen in love with a guy just a few years ago. DADT didn’t expire until my career was nearly over.” Jack looked into the fire as he rolled something around in his brain. When he looked back at me, I saw a man who didn’t regret his choices. “I’m glad I waited for you and that you were my first.” He reached over and pulled me onto is lap. “You’re my reward for putting my life on hold and focusing on my career. I’m glad that others won’t have to be in the same position that I was in back then, but I don’t have any regrets. Fate led me to you, Ace, and I appreciate what we have more because of the journey that brought me here.”
I could honestly say that suffering through the bullshit Kenner put me through made me appreciate Jack’s openness and honesty even more. Jack made me feel cherished and loved and it was the greatest feeling in the world. “I couldn’t agree with you more, Love.”
IT WAS JUSTbefore Thanksgiving when I received a phone call from Jeremiah’s grandson, Joseph. He apologized for the delayed response, explaining that his husband had set the letter aside and forgot about it due to their hectic lives with their careers and three small kids. I had started to believe I’d never hear from him, so I was quick to accept his apology. His next words, however, broke my heart.
“Grandad is in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease and doesn’t speak,” Joseph told me with a heavy heart. “I’ve heard many wonderful stories about your grandfather and I would love to meet you.” I wasn’t exactly sure what stories he had been told and I wasn’t about to out Jeremiah to him.
“Will it upset Jeremiah if I visit?” My great-grandmother had Alzheimer’s and even though I was a small boy, I could remember how scared she’d get when she didn’t recognize someone who entered her room. I wanted to see the man who meant the world to Big Jack, but not at the expense of his well-being.
“You won’t upset him,” Joseph assured me, “but it’s doubtful he’d recognize Jack’s name. Who knows though, there’s so much they still don’t know about the disease. When would you like to come up to Vermont to meet us?”
Liam and I had three Thanksgiving dinners to attend together so I knew we wouldn’t be able to travel to Vermont until early December. I wanted to discuss it with Liam and perhaps plan a weekend getaway. I was confident that Trevor could manage the bar in my absence, which was a weight off of my mind.
“Let me talk to my boyfriend and I’ll get back to you with our travel plans. It won’t be a few weeks due to our Thanksgiving obligations.” I wanted to leave right away, but that just wasn’t possible.
“I understand all about being spread thin and trying to accommodate both sides of the family. Just give me a call when you’re planning to arrive. I’d love to meet you and your boyfriend for dinner.” I agreed to call him back as soon as I talked to Liam, thanked him again for allowing me to visit with Jeremiah, and his hospitality.
The situation was bittersweet; I’d be meeting the man my granddad loved until his dying breath, but Jeremiah probably wouldn’t recognize Big Jack’s name or be able to verbalize the memory if he did. I couldn’t help but think Alzheimer’s disease was the absolute worst thing for a family to face. You looked upon the face of the person you loved so much, but they didn’t know you. If they shared the same memories as you, they were locked so deep inside them that they couldn’t outwardly show what they felt or remembered.
I was in deep contemplation when Liam came home from a run with Charlie. My eyes took in his flushed cheeks and tousled hair; my mind instantly switched gears as it often did with Liam and I found myself wanting to help him shower to get clean – before getting dirty again. I considered myself to be a really helpful and considerate boyfriend, especially when nudity was involved. Liam must have seen the sadness in my expression before my thoughts had gone awry.
“What is it?” He asked, coming to sit on the couch beside me. I told him about the conversation I had with Joseph Merritt and I saw the same sadness I felt reflecting in his expressive eyes. “That’s so sad,” he said once I finished. “Do you still want to go?”
“I do.” I nodded to emphasize my answer. “It feels like closure of some sort for me to meet him and give him the picture. I want to do this for Big Jack, because he gave me the courage to admit my feelings for you. I feel like this is something I need to do to both thank him and honor the love he felt for Jeremiah.” I turned to face Liam with a frown. “Does that make me selfish?”
“You’re not selfish, Jack,” Liam said reaching for my hand. “I think it’s admirable and beautiful the way you want to honor your grandfather and Jeremiah’s love. Joseph is his guardian and he’d never encourage a visit if he thought it would harm Jeremiah. You have to trust that he knows what is best for his granddad.” I nodded, because he was right. “Let’s get to planning our trip,” he said, bouncing up from the couch to retrieve his laptop.
Later, we fixed dinner together then planned out our holidays including the Vermont travel plans. I never thought I would experience the kind of happiness I did when he we talked about the different holiday dinners coming up. I was sure that spreading ourselves so thin would get old in time, but not our first Thanksgiving together when I had so many reasons to be thankful.
After calling Joseph to confirm our itinerary, we settled in front of the fire to read the final journal entry together. We had slowly read our way through them, neither of us eager to read about their final goodbye. However, that night it felt appropriate for Liam and I to finish their story since we would be going to see Jeremiah in a few weeks.
May 7, 1945
Allied troops moved into Berlin and the Germans surrendered. The war was over and a horrific enemy had been defeated. Our unit celebrated when word reached us because everyone was ready to go home. I wanted to go home too, but not without my Jeremiah.
Things had been tense between us since the liberation of Paris even though almost a year had passed. I still loved him with all of my heart, but I couldn’t help but be guarded when it came to him. I was going to be saying goodbye to him soon and it would feel less painful if someone just reached into my chest cavity and ripped out my heart.
