“I’m not that sweet, Sasha. You already know that. Did you find out who took her life? Was he or she arrested?”
He shook his head with such succinct movements that even if I didn’t feel the rage bubbling inside of him, I would know it existed by the hard lines crossing his face.
“No.”
The single word and the vicious grip on the bottle were unnerving. He was about to lose control, but in an entirely different way. Maybe I could read him better than anyone else had in a long time because I knew instinctively what he would do to the man who’d survived my baseball tryout.
I’d overheard him talking with his cousin and the men who’d kept watch at the party. They were keeping the perpetrator locked away somewhere. Tomorrow would be a different story. The past colliding with the present. That wouldn’t end well. That would put the nail in Sasha’s coffin. He’d never come back from it.
“But you have an idea.”
His laugh was bitter. “The Irish. The Italians. The Russians. Pick one. Usually, they sign their name to whatever horrible deed they perform. Some even try and take credit for a horrific attack to give them added street cred. That’s the way of the mafia and it doesn’t matter which nationality or what part of the world. It’s all the same. Turf wars. Family members murdered. Heists. Destruction of property. All the fucking same.”
I could tell he was doing nothing more than reliving the past in acts of violence. “But things are different now. Right? You said so yourself that you’ve built an empire completely legally.”
What in the hell did that matter right now? I felt I was losing the battle with him, but I refused to allow that to happen.
He finally turned his head to look me in the eyes. “That doesn’t mean the past doesn’t follow you like a shadow, thedevil’s ugly creatures hungry and eager to feast on human prey. Trust me. I’ve seen it happen more than once.”
“You aren’t to blame for your wife’s death, Sasha. That’s what is really going on here. You can’t stop a monster from sliding from the shadows no matter who you are or what job you have. You could be a surgeon saving lives every day and have your wife killed during a home invasion. That doesn’t mean you caused it.”
His chuckle created one too many shivers. “It’s not that simple, Lainey.”
Before he could turn his head away, I gripped his face exactly as he’d done with mine. “Nothing in life is. Trust me. I thought I knew what I was doing in leaving my family. I wanted nothing more than to make things better for them. I did what I could. I thought that was the right thing to do.”
“Why did you? What was so important that it took you away from your life? From what you’ve told me, you were much happier being a teacher.”
“Nothing tragic, Sasha, and don’t get me wrong, I really do adore my fans. I love concerts. I adore interacting with the crowds, but the rest, the behind the scenes with everyone picking you apart, I’m just not good at. I allowed myself to be pulled into a world that I have no business in. I did so to help my parents. They were in debt, about ready to lose their house. You see, my dad owned a business and managed to find himself underwater, hiding how bad the situation was for years. He made several bad decisions, but mostly because he wanted to protect his family.”
“You wanted to save them in spite of yourself.”
“Well, I couldn’t do it on a teacher’s salary. My brothers were strapped, all four with families and responsibilities. Thankfully, I managed to save their business. Now, Dad and his business are thriving, although my mother wants him to retire. You have no idea how proud I was when I managed to purchase my entirefamily new houses, a truck for my one brother, a little boat for another one. It felt good be able to do something for them.”
He was watching me, studying me.
“I love that about you, Lainey. As I said before. You are one of the kindest people I’ve met.”
“Yeah, well, the truth is that I caught my father ready to eat a bullet for the insurance money.”
I hadn’t told anyone that ever before, including my mother.
His breath hitching, Sasha shifted in his seat, now the one squeezing my hand instead of the other way around. There was a flash of something profound.
“You almost did as well. Didn’t you?” The raw emotions tearing through me were surprising. I’d suffered when I’d found my father preferring to take his life. He’d been a fighter, my hero. Sasha had taken his place. “Don’t lie to me. Please. Trust me.”
He lifted his head, shoring his shoulders. “I do trust you, Lainey. At the time, it felt as if there was nothing left. No options. No way of crawling back from the hole I’d fallen in.”
“Except for Nina. She mattered more than ending your suffering.”
“Except for Nina. Your family doesn’t know about your father and what happened with his business. Do they?”
I laughed. “You caught me. No, and they aren’t going to either. He’s much better, happier than I’ve ever seen him. You need to listen to me. I’m only telling you this because life is precious. You’ve suffered enough for something that you blame yourself for. You didn’t pull the trigger. Everything I’ve read about your family tells me your uncle and your father wanted a better life for their families. So do you. So did Selena. My guess is she’d be upset if you didn’t forgive yourself.”
“Forget about your right hook, which is amazing. Selena was extremely masterful with a sharp, unforgiving jab.” At least he smiled. “You’re right she’d be pissed.”
The closeness we were building had been tossed into overdrive because of the violence. Conflicting emotions were normal for a relationship so fragile, but I was thrown by the overwhelming need just to be close to him.
“I want you, Sasha. Maybe for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you’re right and I don’t know you very well, but I do trust you. Maybe this sounds crazy or like bad timing. Maybe even insensitive, but I need you. Just please. Fuck me.”
