He said he wouldn’t tell Donovan he saw me, but is he being honest? Why doesn’t he speak to Donovan anymore? Whywould he give Caroline this card? She said he seemed worried, but why?
The last time I saw Victor was four years ago when I had my once a month lunch date with him and Donovan. I already had my plan in place at that time. I was just waiting for the perfect moment to leave. If Victor found me, I know Donovan will if he hasn’t already.
I know what Donovan does, and I know what he did to my mom. I met Connor a while ago at the gym I go to. It’s owned by Caroline’s boyfriend Bass; he and Connor are best friends. I’m sure it’s the same Connor that Donovan used to raise hell about the year before I ran away. The tension in my chest twists so tight I have to force myself not to allow my thoughts to drift toward what could help. I exhale and twirl the card in my fingers again. I wonder where he’s been. He and Josie lived near here, and the majority of his businesses were in this town.
What happened between him and Donovan? Caroline told me they were no longer friends. He didn’t tell her why, but why would he? Victor doesn’t know her. He doesn’t know me. Not really. He did promise her he wouldn’t tell Donovan he saw me, but I want to hear it from him myself. I place the card on my desk and stare at the phone number. I already have it memorized, so I don’t need to keep looking at it.
I put the card back in my purse, then pull the app up on my computer to run tests and make sure there aren’t any bugs. I need to put Victor out of my head. He’s part of my past, not my present, and definitely not my future.
Why should I trust him? He was best friends with Donovan. And as the saying goes, you are the company you keep. After a few minutes of staring unblinkingly at my laptop, I decide to call it a day. I can’t focus and nothing I do is making the tension in my chest go away. I’ll be okay once I get home and pick the weeds out of my garden. Getting my hands dirty usually helps.
I swallow, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat as I pack my things. There’s another way I could get rid of the pressure in my chest, but it’s been years. I make sure everything on my desk is exactly where it should be, then leave without saying bye to anyone and focus on the work I can do in my garden when I get home.
I’m sure I’ll get a call or text from Ansley and Caroline later, but I’ll make up an excuse of some kind. Exiting the elevator, I walk slowly to the doors that lead out to the parking garage. Glancing behind me and to the side, I make sure no one is following me. My ears are attuned to every noise. Looking out the small window to the garage, I examine each car before pushing it open and practically running to my car.
What if Victor did tell him he saw me and he’s waiting out here for me? What if one of his men grab me?I jump in my car, slam and lock the doors as quickly as possible. I put the key in the ignition before backing out of my parking spot, exiting the garage, and make it out onto the street.
I inhale deeply as I watch my rearview and side mirrors, making sure no one is following me. Stopping at a red light, I check my rearview mirror again. I rest my head against my seat and try to calm my racing heart, that tension getting even tighter.
I usually always leave with someone. On the rare occasions I leave by myself, I’m like a little kid turning the lights off in their bedroom and racing to their bed, hoping something doesn’t grab their ankle from under the bed. My chest is tight and my eyes burn as I focus on taking deep breaths.Will I ever be normal? All I want is to be normal.Picking my phone up, I hit Rose’s name under my contacts. She gave me her personal number for times like this. This is progress, I remind myself, so I don’t hang up.
“Hello?” Just hearing her voice calms me down.
“Today, I saw my stepfather’s best friend and I’m freaking out a little.” I don’t greet her, instead the words tumble out of me. I’ve found if I don’t do that, I’ll never say what I need to say.
“I bet that was hard,” she replies. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Would you like to come in? I just saw my last patient.”
“I want to go home and work in my garden,” I respond. She’s the only person I’m almost honest with. There are parts of me I’m still scared to show, but with her… It’s strange. I always go with the flow with everyone else hiding parts of myself that are too painful to show.
“Okay. Do you want to talk while you drive home?” I suck in a breath and try to ignore the ache in my heart.
“I’ve been doing so well, but seeing him…” I trail off, trying to put words to what I’m feeling. “It made me feel like that little girl who just lost her mom and had no idea what was in store for her.” She doesn’t know everything Donovan did to me. She knows he abused me, but she doesn’t know I ran away, and she doesn’t know his name. I always refer to him as my stepfather. I’m too afraid for people to find out Donovan Castiel is my stepfather.
Donovan and Victor were best friends, so seeing him again brought all that back up. A lump forms in my throat. I’ve been in therapy for three years now. Ansley told me about Rose when she walked in on me in the bathroom. She used to date Ansley’s brother.
Although Ansley has never gone to her, she assured me she would be helpful. I was so angry at her for even suggesting it. I also thought she was a bit of a hypocrite that she referred me to her but refused to see her. Looking at it now, I can understand why it would be tough going to see someone who used to sleep with your brother. And maybe Ansley doesn’t need therapy. Who am I to judge how someone else deals with issues they go through?
“You’re going to have days like that, Liv. Where it feels like it happened just yesterday. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, and it’s okay. It’s also normal for all those feelings to rise concerning your stepfather.”
I turn on my street and suck in another shaky breath. “I know,” I whisper. “He gave me his business card and told me to contact him if I needed anything.”
“Are you going to call him?”
Looking in my rearview mirror, I triple check to make sure that no one is following me. I have several routes I take, so I don’t have a set routine. Anytime I leave my house it’s at different times, and I go to the gym on different days. I know all the things I shouldn’t be doing. Hopefully, it’s working.
“I don’t know yet,” I admit.
“Maybe calling him will help.”
“Maybe.” If I call him, he could confirm he didn’t tell Donovan. I pull onto my street and look in my mirrors again. “Thank you for listening.” She doesn’t answer right away and I know she’s trying to figure out if I’m okay or not. “I’m home, so I’m going to pull weeds and plant the new flowers I got.”
“Are you sure?” She’s still trying to feel me out.
“Yes. I just needed to talk it out,” I assure her.
“If you need to come in before your next appointment, just let me know.”
I agree and tell her bye. She’s my therapist, but she only knows bits and pieces about what life was like after my mom died. There’s one secret I’ve never told anyone. A secret I’ll probably never tell.
