I close my eyes, trying to map out the last twelve months, hoping that the memories of every moment spent with each of them will organize themselves in a way to make sense of my feelings.
No matter how I sort them, what I want from each is not the same. It’s not even comparable. I love them both, but the love lives in opposite hemispheres of my body.
When I count the moments that matter most, my mind doesn’t go to the showy gestures, the grand confessions, the memoriesthat someone would play in a montage at a rehearsal dinner. It goes to the in-betweens.
And there were so many beautiful in-betweens.
I try to imagine a world where I choose Nash, and everything is bright and loud and easy. So easy.
Then, I try to imagine a world where I choose James, and everything is calm and safe and challenging, in the best way.
I could be endlessly happy with either of them, but not at the cost of losing the other.
I picture myself beside each of them and the ache is almost violent.
I didn’t know you could grieve possibilities, but I do. I grieve every version of the future I won’t get to keep.
No matter who I choose, I lose the other. No matter who I choose…my career suffers.
And suddenly, I realize I’m in no better position now than I was with Pierce. Choosing between men and my career.
Again.
There’s no choice I can make where I don’t sacrifice more than I’m willing to give up.
I know what I have to do, or at least, what I’m not willing to do.
I text them both.
Can we meet for coffee? Tomorrow morning. 8AM.
James
Of course.
Trouble
Sure thing, doll.
***
They’re both already here when I arrive, seated at a table by the window. My heart is beating out of my chest as I approach.
The air shifts when they see me, both straightening, both trying not to betray what they’re feeling. I take the open chair, folding my hands carefully on top of the table.
Neither says a word. Nash cracks his knuckles. James’s mouth is set in a silent, relentless line.
“Thank you both for coming.” I clear my throat. “I’ve been thinking about everything.”
I make myself look at each of them, and it hurts, but I do it.
“The truth is, I love you both. I do. But I can’t be with either of you. Not without giving up a piece of myself I’m not willing to lose.”
Nash’s jaw tightens, as if he’d been bracing for it but still hoped for a different answer. James’s posture doesn’t shift, but the lines in his face deepen.
“I know that sounds selfish, maybe. But I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my dreams, my career for anyone.”
Nash nods once, biting down on a smile that never quite forms.“You’re choosing you,” he says, and it sounds like he’s proud of me, even though it’s destroying him.
