Rik shrugged. “The hospital. He went back there into your room and tried to calm you down. But you just kept asking him where I was. And… I can’t explain it. I just saw the moment he figured it out. And then when your mom showed up she made a big deal about how we played hockey together in eighth grade.”
“Ugh.” I felt a little sick just picturing that.
Rikker picked up his head to look at me. “No, G.Notugh. You need to stop thinking that way, for your own sanity. I mean, Hartley is good tome. And also to you. He knows, and just doesn’t care.”
“Heisgood to you. And he isn’t just phoning it in.” But I was just so conditioned to hold on to my secret, I couldn’t even conceive of a day when I didn’t care who knew.
“That’s right. He’s a guy who doesn’t care who you get naked with. He doesn’t give a damn what people think. That’s a real man right there. And a realfriend. You don’t have to wonder how he’d treat you if he knew. Because you already have the answer.”
I closed my eyes, exhausted. “It’s just so hard for me to get there.”
“I know,” Rikker said. “The thing is, each new person who learns the truth lets you breathe a little easier. And then the one after that is a little easier. And so on.”
It almost sounded possible. You know. For someone who wasn’t me.
We stopped talking for a little while. Rikker eased himself back into the bed. He rolled toward me, and I rolled away, so that he was spooning me. And it felt ridiculously good.
“There’s one thing I wish you could do for me,” he said eventually.
“What’s that?”
“Say the word.”
“What word?”
Rikker sighed. “The big scary g-word.”
Oh. “Why do you want me to?”
“I’mgay, Graham. Or queer, if you like that word better. Whatever. I’m attracted to guys. You won’t say that out loud, will you? I’ll bet you didn’t even say the word to your mother when you told her. Did you?”
“No,” I told the pillow. He was right. I’d only said that Rikker wasnot just my friend.
“It’s like… you want to be able to tell people you’re straight, for some reason. Like gay isn’t good enough for you. Like it’s second class. Which makesmesecond class.”
I rolled over to face him. “There’s nothing second class about you. I think more highly of you than anyone I know.”
“Do you really? Then tell me the truth about you. I’m really fucking patient about the way you hide from the people who don’t matter so much. But at least you could be honest with the guy in your bed.”
“I’m gay,” I whispered.
Rikker grinned. “Fuck.Finally.”
“I don’t know why that makes you so happy.”
He tightened his arms around me. “Because someday, when you find that easier to say, it will make you happy, too. And I want that for you, G. I want you to be happy.”
“I wouldn’t mind if you were happy, too.”
“Big of you.”
I snuggled into his body. We’d had a little bit of a fight there, and it had left me feeling clingy. “You’ll really let me fuck you some time? I didn’t know you liked that.”
“Well…” he hesitated, studying my ceiling. “I’m not opposed to it as a concept. It’s just that I never enjoyed it as much as you seem to.”
I picked my head up to look at him. “What — you can’t come like that?”
“Not even close. But I’ll still do that for you. Fair’s fair.”
