“With what?”
“You know what I mean. With always beating yourself up over the past. Something happened a long time ago that you regret. And you’re still dragging that around with you. Set that shit down, man.”
I sighed. It sounded nice the way he put it. But it wasn’t just one bad decision I’d made. I had a perfect record for torturing all the people who loved me. Including him.Especiallyhim.
“I’m not kidding,” Rikker pressed. “You keep that up, and it won’t work out between us.”
My heart squeezed with fear. “Why not?” I didn’t like the plaintive sound of my voice. So vulnerable.
“Because you’ll wreck it. You have to be able to say what you need, just like I do. It doesn’t work any other way. I don’t want to always have to guess what you want from me.”
“That shit that happened five years ago…”
“Six,” Rikker corrected.
“Five, six, whatever. It doesn’t matter if I let it go, because that’s not the only problem.”
“What is, then?”
Damn. It. See, one of the benefits of never, ever having a girlfriend was that I never had to Talk About the Relationship. Guys in the locker room always got super pissy whenever the Big Conversations happened. And now I was having one of those too, and I didn’t even have a clue how to do it.
I cleared my throat. “Okay, you’re only going to leave me, eventually. Because I can’t be like you. I can’t beout. I can’t talk to a reporter, or tell Big-D to go fuck himself. So when you finally get sick of being with a guy who won’t even make eye contact in the locker room, I’m history anyway. I know this. So how in the hell do you expect me to stop feelingbadabout that shit? It’s bad, and if I pretend it isn’t, that’s a lie.”
After a beat, Rikker put both hands over his eyes. “I don’t even know where to start with all that.”
“You don’t have to start anywhere. I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place. But all those things are true. And I don’t have a clue why you’re still here.”
His hands slid up to his forehead, revealing his eyes. “You don’t?”
I shook my head, which had just begun to throb.
With a look of utter exasperation, he sat up. “Because Iloveyou, you stupid fuck. And I always have. It’s not always so convenient, loving you. But when you climb out of that thick blond head of yours for a few minutes, you’re a hell of a lot of fun. And you’re loyal, too, in that tortured way of yours.”
It was a crazy ass speech. And not even a little bit romantic. But even so, my eyes welled.
“Aw hell, G!” Rikker slid back down and put his head on my chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t say that right.”
“You said it fine.” I palmed my eyes, wiping the tears out and praying there wouldn’t be more.
“I know you don’t believe me. But I think that everything is going to get easier for you.”
“Are you giving me anIt Gets Betterspeech?”
He kissed my chin. “Sort of. Yes, actually. Because I know how you don’t want to change the way people look at you. And that’s not crazy. But you’ve only got one year left in the locker room, right? One year left to be the D-squad enforcer, and to beat on your chest and mow down the enemy. And then you’re moving on to grad school or a job or whatever. College is great, but there isn’t any privacy. After this, it just gets easier.”
“What if it doesn’t?” I asked in a small voice.
“Ithasto, G. You told your parents. Every time you move a person into the truth column, breathing gets a little easier, right?”
“I guess.”
“Did you talk to Hartley tonight?” Rikker asked suddenly.
“Sure.”
“He knows.”
I stopped breathing. “How?”
