“Dude. Then maybe you should take a look at where these huge expectations are coming from and set some priorities. Didn’t anyone ever teach you about compromise?”
“Sure,” I say, half as a joke. “Dad did back when he used to speak to me. Never compromise, Isaac. Don’t tell me he never told you the same thing.”
“Pretty sure this isn’t what he meant by that.”
“He did, though,” I remind him. “He was talking about women. About marriage.”
“It’s obvious this conversation is going nowhere with you, so go take your shower, I’ll get rid of Valerie, and you can order us a pizza.
“Order it yourself.” I head into the bathroom, strip out of my work clothes, and wonder why losing something I never even had hurts as much as this.
15
DEACON
In a move that’s not like me at all, I send my therapist a text when I get home. I saw him Wednesday during lunch as scheduled, but even though I was having dinner with Evan that night, I only talked about Isaac.
I never contact Gray outside our sessions, which is probably why he answered, thinking something had gone very wrong for me. It’s not untrue. I have a habit of creating expectations based off probabilities and my knowledge of certain people—certain situations—but this one went so far off plan that I need a way to process it outside my head. As much as Gray can piss me off, my relief at his quick response is huge.
I explain what happened at dinner and afterward, and like he’d been holding himself back during the entire Isaac session yesterday, he pounces on the Evan of it all. He doesn’t have much to say in terms of Isaac, only that I watch myself there, but when I tell him about Evan holding my hands and the near kiss experience, he grills me about why I never mentioned I found him attractive.
I sort of…sputter. “He’s my roommate?”
“But he kissed you, and you didn’t push him away?”
“Well, no, I was…he was…holding my hands.”
“Can we get past the hand holding part? Or no?”
“No,” I tell him. “That’s where I’m stuck.”
“So…not the kiss?”
“The kiss felt like part of it,” I try to explain.
“Do you, or do you not find him attractive?”
“I do, but I try not to?”
“Is this a boundary for you? Roommates?”
“Do I have boundaries?” I ask him.
“Plenty,” he says. “Just because you haven’t articulated them doesn’t mean they aren’t there. You like Evan. You’ve said that since he moved in.”
“He’s a good roommate.”
“What makes him a good roommate?”
“He’s calm and nice, and he never makes noise. He runs interference with our neighbor. He comes with me to parties and does all the talking so I don’t have to.”
“Does he ever have people over?” Gray asks.
“No,” I say. Then I frown. That’s not normal, is it? Or maybe it is if he’s involved with Isaac.
“Never?”
“No,” I repeat, annoyed that he won’t take my word for it.
