I close my eyes and lean back on the couch, my laptop slanting precariously to the side. “I just got the idea in my head, and I couldn’t shake it. It was the middle of the night. You were sleeping.”
“So you’rewithhim now?”
“He’s taking a nap, but yeah. I’m at his apartment.”
“What is this really about?” he asks. “Because if it’s about what I said last night—I didn’t mean you needed to bring him back to me.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. “Because I don’t think he’s gonna bring himself back.”
Isaac sucks in a breath. “Why would you say that?”
“Because according to him, he did the right thing by leaving, especially since you and I are still together.”
“Deacon, I swear. If you’re happy with it just being us, I’m good. I told you. I don’t need anything else.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I tell him. “And now that I’m here, I don’t think it’s true for me either. What you and I have is great—maybe even special, but what we could have had with him? You can’t tell me that wouldn’t have been something like perfect.”
“It feels like you’re ripping out my heart.”
Isaac can be a little dramatic. This is according to Gray, and I’m starting to see it more, too. He’s a huge romantic, and he feels things big. This makes him prone to hyperbole and grand proclamations. I like how enormous his heart is, though. Itmeans there’s more than enough of it to go around. I might not have understood that a month ago, but I definitely do now.
He’s probably a better ambassador for the relationship I know he and I both want to have with Evan, but he’s got Jake to think about, so I’m gonna have to be the one to do this, and it’s only right, since I was the one who ended up pushing Evan away.
45
EVAN
Emotionally, I’m all over the place. I can’t decide whether returning Isaac’s email was the right thing to do or the biggest mistake I ever made. In bed, with my eyes closed, my hand drifts down to my dick. One touch, and it twitches to life until it’s throbbing in my hand with each stroke I give it. I’m single now, so I jerk off plenty, but doing it with Deacon a room away feels better. Better in a bad way. A naughty way. Okay, maybe a slightly desperate way.
I refuse to get too close to him—he’s got a boyfriend now, and I’m not part of their relationship anymore—but that doesn’t stop the way I’m attracted to him or the way I wish I could climb onto his lap and ride him until I’m coming on his abs. Not that he would want that. And I’m a little disappointed in myself that after a month, I still do.
He’s done nothing whatsoever since he’s gotten here to turn me on other than be a fucking tech genius and save the day with my buggy software. Honestly, that’s hot, though, and I guess it’s got me going this morning, even if the rest of our morning was pretty fucking depressing. Just before I come, I realize it’s goingto be a huge orgasm, so I clap my hand over my mouth and turn my face into the pillow.
My entire body convulses as my nuts unload. I groan as I continue to jerk my cum slicked cock in my loosening fist. Each new gush brings another toe-curling shudder that leaves my asshole grasping for something to fill it. When I’m so overstimulated, I’m afraid I’ll cry, I let go and pant into the pillow, utterly spent and boneless. My dick feels like a live wire. It’s several minutes before it even thinks about softening. Turning away from the wet spot, I wind up facing the door, knowing I should go back out there, but afraid to hear any more of Deacon’s truth bombs.
How long is he planning to stay? And what the fuck am I supposed to do while he’s here? Pretend I’m happy with the choice I made when I’m not? Ask him all the questions I have about Isaac? Code?
I’ll be in Carmel tomorrow, which isn’t far at all from San Francisco. Will I be able to resist this sudden, terrible urge I have to see Isaac? To check for sure that he’s doing okay? And what if he isn’t? What if he’s aching the way I know for a fact I’ll ache when I lay eyes on him again?
If it’s anything like the way I felt seeing Deacon outside my door at three am, I won’t be able to resist asking for another chance.
A chance at a relationship I’m still not sure I’m capable of navigating. One I’m still half-convinced will rip me straight down the middle.
I wonder if this is how Isaac felt. If this is what it feels like to be in love with two men. Because that’s what this is, right? I couldn’t choose either. Having them both felt impossible, so I chose nothing. But I fucking love them.
And I left.
Instead of trying to sleep anymore, I get up to take a shower, reasoning that I’ll be able to rest when I get to my mom’s house. Napping is pretty much the only way I can cope when I’m there, anyway. Tonight, I’m dropping Apollo off with Hunter so I can fly up the coast. I really do need to get a car, it’s just that I haven’t driven in so long and LA is nothing if not intimidating to a new-ish driver.
I dress in joggers and a cropped sweatshirt—it’s something I’ve worn around Deacon a million times before, but it sends a signal that I don’t want to go out again. The shirt is threadbare and only shows a sliver of abs, so it’s not meant to be sexy, either. Before I go to the living room, I pick up my phone and see a message from Deacon.
It’s a link. Clicking it, a note opens up. It’s dated February 27th.
Things I should have said to him:
