“No talking points,” she said, turning in her seat to face him. His hand instinctively landed on her thigh, a spark in her belly derailing her entire list of questions. Her eyes dropped to his hand, and he removed it, muttering a half-hearted apology.
He watched as she formulated a coherent thought.
“Just ask me, Arizona.”
“I’m not entitled to any of your story. I know that. But Logan got into my head last night. He said you like projects. Broken girls you can fix, but never have to commit to. He said you make it their fault for you not being in a place for a relationship, or that you hide behind being friends with benefits, so you come off like the good guy.”
Milo took another long breath. “And what do you think about that?”
“I think it feels familiar.”
He nodded, taking it in. “I understand why. And I understand why Logan sees my history through that lens.”
He flagged a flight attendant and grabbed two bottles of water before they took off. He broke the seal on hers and handed it over.
He swallowed, seemingly battling back a wall of feelings that he'd normally have funneled into a too-direct string of perfectly curated 'I' statements. But they were beyond therapy. He took another sip of his water.
“Logan was right in some ways. I do have a type. But it’s not because I seek out broken women who I can take advantage of. It’s because I can’t fathom being in a relationship with someone who hasn’t had to hold their dead parents’ hand and tell them they’d be alright when they’re fucking terrified, or stared at oncoming traffic a little too tempted, or lost days, maybe even weeks, of their lives to a wave of grief they didn’t see coming.”
She scooted closer to him, his voice wavering as he spoke. The fasten seatbelt sign clicked on, causing them both to flinch.
“I’ve told you that before. I can’t be with someone who isn’t willing to share that pain with me because it isn’t going anywhere. It’ll sit right under my skin until I let that final breath out and I can bitch about it to my dad’s face. It will be there with every ‘I love you,’ ‘Will you marry me,’ ‘I do,’ and ‘That’s my boy,’ and I know you know that. And I’m sorry you know that. But Logan doesn’t, and I sincerely hope he’s old as hell before he has to confront all of these shitty realities. Most people I’ve dated have carried that expectation that I’ll just get over it one day. That I’ll move on. But I’ve realized that that’s not possible.
This version of me, this semi-healed Milo that you put on a pedestal all the time? Relatively new. I’ve hurt a lot of people, good people, to get to where I am now, and I’m not sure that it isn’t just part of the process.”
Hanna dropped her gaze to his hands, nervously fidgeting with the cap of his water.
“I’m assuming Michaela is one of those people?”
“The first one on a pretty long list, yeah.” Milo closed his eyes and pushed at an invisible bruise on his chest. “You’re two years younger than Logan?”
She nodded.
“Okay well, Matty and I graduated together, but Logan is a year ahead of us. I told you Matty was one of my only friends after everything that happened, but Logan’s girlfriend, Michaela ,was our age too. When he went off to ASU, we still hung out with her quite a bit. She lost her mom when she was a kid and I think she took pity on me. We got close. Logan got distant. I was seventeen and mad at the world and didn’t care who I hurt as long as they ached like me.
She still made the choice to cheat, but I played just as much of a role. I think that’s why Logan is so fucked up over Sloane—he did everything right. Exactly the way he wished Michaela and me would have done it. But we were kids. Look at how hard the last year has been on you, and you’re a grown woman. Two teenagers with no regulation skills? Gasoline and fire.”
Hanna took that in. She knew Logan had a serious girlfriend before her, but not much else. He didn’t talk about her at all, and it was becoming clear why.
“I hurt Logan. It hurt even more that Matty was understanding about it. But he met you, he moved on, and we got to a somewhat civil place, and I never expect him to be anything more than that. It was more than fine for both of us.”
“Until me.”
“Until you,” Milo groaned, leaning his head back and wiping his face. “I was being genuine, Hanna, when I told you I didn’t mind being a distraction for you. God knows I had plenty of them over the years. And I was being genuine when I said I knew it couldn’t be more than that, and that I didn’t plan on dating ever again. Because if I didn’t set that expectation from the get-go, I knew I’d let you set my entire life on fire. Fuck, I’d hand you the matches.”
“Oh,” she managed.
“Yeah. Oh,” Milo said. “You’re just over the first-year mark, Arizona. You haven’t even touched this shit yet. You’re going to go through things in years two and three and four that will completely change who you are as a person, and I know you think you’re fine, and you tell everyone who asks as much, but I lied like that for a decade. Half the time, I think the heartbreak would be worth it just to be with you for however long you’ll have me, but I’m not twenty-five anymore, Hanna. I don’t know if I can survive being one of the bridges you burn on your way to the other side, but I can’t seem to stay the fuck away from you either.
So I flirt, and I send you dirty texts, and I pray that every single time I touch you, it’s the only thing you can think about for days, but I can’t give you more than that because I’m fucking terrified of what happens when I’m no longer enough to keep the pain at bay.”
“Milo—”
“I’ve lost people I can’t get back, and I’ve survived them all, but I don’t know if I’d survive you, Hanna. Last night,” he dropped his voice, leaning closer to her. “Last night… you could see it all over my face, couldn’t you?”
She frowned, nodding.
He laughed. “And I know I’m not alone in that.”
