“That is not true! I have made him earn my trust, and I am all the happier for it. I would have thought that you would be pleased about that. You are my friend, after all.”
“It is because I am your friend that I am concerned. I do not dislike His Grace, but I cannot help but feel that he will not always be this way. If he disappoints you again, I do not wantit to be while you trust him. You are giving yourself to him, and that is as it should be, but what if he abandons you again?”
Anna did not like that her friend’s response to her happiness was to question its longevity, but she understood why Theodora felt the way that she did. It was precarious, and Anna had to admit that she had doubts of her own.
But she was not going to give in to them. She wanted to have faith in Spencer. They had both made mistakes, but they were trying, and that was what she had to focus on. She did not want to punish him forever, not when he was doing all that he could.
“I know what I am doing,” she assured Theodora. “If he leaves again, and he does not do so without telling me, then I shall do what I did last time. I shall swear off men for the rest of my life, and I will do what is necessary to be myself again. I will not be hurt.”
“But you will be. You were bad enough before you fell for him, but now that you have it, it will be much worse. I can only hope that you have given him your trust correctly.”
“I truly do believe that I have.”
There was silence for a moment. Anna did not think that her friend was convinced, but it would come in time. If anything, she was grateful to have friends who cared about her so much. Not every lady was as fortunate as she was, and though she would have liked their complete support, she had to admit that it was better that they were thinking of her.
“Well,” Theodora said, smiling at last, “in any case, we will be there for you. I do want to be wrong, Anna, believe me.”
“I know. I want you to be wrong about him too, for I am truly happy with how things are.”
They joined the other two in the gardens, and the four of them walked for a while. It was nice; Anna had been spending more time with Spencer, which had meant seeing less of her friends, and so it was good to spend an enjoyable time with them on the estate. With Theodora in higher spirits, the four of them were able to enjoy themselves far more, acting like girls more than ladies as they raced up and down the grounds.
The three of them left later that day with untamed hair and wide smiles, even Theodora, and all of the tension from earlier that day had been forgotten. Anna said her goodbyes and left to dress for dinner, planning to wear a silvery gown, the thinnest and most delicate she had. She planned to tempt him that night and to spend dinner discussing the scenes she had read, as well as other topics that were most inappropriate for a meal.
When she arrived in the dining room, however, she felt a change in the air. Spencer was sitting there, and he acknowledged her when she entered the room, but he did not seem particularly pleased to see her, nor did he pull out her chair for her. She took her seat and eyed him carefully, trying to ascertain some information just by looking at him.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“You seem rather tense. Were we too loud this afternoon? I did notice that you did not come to greet them, nor to say goodbye.”
“Oh, no, no, you were all fine. My apologies, I had a lot of correspondence, and I was still reading it when they left. Did they think ill of me for it?”
“Not at all. Well, Theodora seems to think that you are going to disappoint me, but I assured her that we are happy.”
He did not respond, and she decided that his not saying anything was a good sign. It was the perfect opportunity, after all, to say that something was amiss, and it was her fault.
“Were your letters from tenants?” she asked. “If so, you should keep them to show to the trustees. It would show that you know what to do, and prove you to be a capable duke.”
“I suppose you are right, though it does not feel that way. It feels as though everything is going wrong at once, and though it can be mended for the most part…”
His voice trailed off, and Anna gave him a moment to continue. But it was clear that he would not. Whatever he was about to say, he had clearly thought better of it. It was strange, for the man she had known for the past while would have told her how beautiful she looked, and be desperate to touch her gown, and to touch what lay beneath it.
But this man did not seem to care whether or not she was there at all, and it was baffling, but she knew how she felt after hours of reading and writing. He was likely exhausted, and she had to give him grace for it. She did not envy that he was now charged with all of it again, for she had not enjoyed doing it herself.
“I suppose you might like to go to bed after dinner,” she said quietly. “I was hoping that we might play cards, but I can see that you are not in any fit state for it.”
“No, I would be more than happy to, if you wish.”
He had said it quickly, with slightly too much enthusiasm to be believable, but it was what Anna wanted to hear, and so she did not question it too much.
She also noticed that he hardly ate anything during the meal, and that he left most of what he had taken, but again she ignored it. If their marriage was to work, she had to trust him, and she truly did want to. Since his return, he had been trying, and she could not hold that first year against him forever. She had to forgive him, and she so desperately wanted to.
After they had eaten, they went to the parlor room to play cards as requested, but again, there were no eager touches, no hint of desire for her. She had gone so long without it, and now that she had tasted it, she did not want to lose it, and yet she had to reason with herself that he was tired.
They played a game of Whist first. It was Anna’s favorite, and so it was no surprise to her that she won easily. Spencer at leastappeared to be trying to win, and he was kind enough at the end of it, but his spark was missing. Anna watched him carefully during the second game. The dull eyes, the distracted gaze… he did not care at all.
When she won the second game, she faked a yawn, taking the cards and putting them away.
