A lie, and both of us know it. He’s going to walk the grounds as he always does. Night after night, and I left him alone to do it.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” he says quietly. “Not tonight. You are… you’re my best friend, Kaelen.”
“I don’t want to be your friend.”
Fuck.Fuck.His face crumples as he turns away. “Of course. I’ll go.”
I tug him back. “I don’t want to be yourfriend, Dare.”
Carefully, so fucking carefully, because he feels so verybreakable, I take his face in mine. He swallows, the sound audible as his eyes flicker. “People are watching.”
“I don’t care.” Let them. Let them all see. I press my forehead against his, my breathing ragged. “It’s my turn to speak. And I’m sorry.”
When he says nothing, I say it again. Softer, the words just between us. “I’m so sorry, for all of it.”
He’s shaking under me, his body trembling, and it only hurts more. “Don’t—,”
“I took the Binding because I was scared,” I whisper. “There was so much talk, Dare, and I thought it would protect you. It wasneversupposed to be a punishment.”
He always thought it was. That I didn’t trust him. And I let him think that, let my best friend think that I bound him to meto force his loyalty when it was the opposite. “Iknowyou would never betray me.”
I had ridden after him into the Veilspire that day. Found him breaking apart over his father’s body, alone and undefended, and I had dragged him back to Umbraxis with fury filling my veins for the risk he had taken in riding out. In trying to save his father, who made a foolish mistake to try and achieve peace.
And when the people around us looked to blame someone in their grief, the fingers pointed at him. My fingers stroke over his face, feeling the familiar shape of him that I’ve missed every fucking day since I drove a wedge between us. “That’s why I demanded the Binding, Darian. It was never about punishment.”
And then Eres had done the same for Lyra.
“But…" he chokes out the words. His hands land over mine, hesitant as if he can’t decide whether to push me away. “Youhatedme, afterward. You wouldn’t let me be around you. You pushed me away.”
“The Binding,” I whisper. “At first, it was the Binding. I’d already tied you to me, Dare, and it creates… I didn’t want to take advantage of that.”
Beneath me, he turns still. “What?”
“I thought the feelings would fade,” I admit. “I thought it was because of everything that had happened—that it was worse, somehow, because of that. And I thought I’d taken something from you that I couldn’t give back. I felt guilty.”
I thought I’d forced a choice on him. “If I kept my distance—if I pushed you away, I thought it would go. Fade, maybe. I don’t know how it works.”
But it hadn’t faded. It’s only grown, day after day, and now it feels almost unbearable.
“And then?” Tight, carefully controlled words.
My eyes close. “I thought it would be easier. If I had fewer people to lose.”
Silence. And then— “You’re a damned fool.”
He shoves my hands back. Darian pushes his finger into my face. “Tell me that this is a joke, Kaelen. That you haven’t been breaking my fucking heart every day for the last six months because you thought it would beeasier.”
Behind me, a throat clears. “You know, this might actually be better—”
“You kept Eres,” Darian breathes suddenly. His face drains. “And you cut me loose.”
“No.” My heart stops, stutters, fucking breaks all over again. “No.It wasn’t like that.”
“Yes, it was.” He rakes his hands through his hair.
“You made your choice, Kaelen. It just wasn’tme.” His voice breaks. “It was never me.”
“It was always you.” This time, we’re not walking away. There won’t be an opportunity to have this discussion again. I grab his hand to stop him walking away. “The Binding, Dare. I chose you. I wanted to protect you. AndI wanted you.”
