“Goodnight, Emmy.” She stills when I reach forward, pressing my lips to her forehead. I breathe her in, watermelon and ice and the heat beneath. I press the handle of her umbrella into her hands.
The umbrella she rigs with fairy lights, so she doesn’t have to be scared of the dark as she walks home alone.
And then I spin, walking away.
The ache in my chest threatens to spill over. My eyes are burning. And I listen, to make sure she goes inside.
I’m halfway down the street before the door closes.
I pick up speed. My feet, so light a few minutes ago, feel like blocks of concrete as I force myself to move faster, move until I’m almost running.
She waited for me to turn back.
No connections.
Nothing to leave behind.
That’s what I promised myself. And that promise sticks painfully in my throat.
You can’t do this to anyone else, Ben.
Especially not her.
By the time I get to the water, I can barely breathe. I pushed myself too hard tonight, the oxygen wheezing in my lungs as I collapse down onto the sand.
It’s a beautiful sunrise.
And the sight of it, of the hues of color that spill across the sky like a gift, it only makes me angrier.
My anger won’t change anything. I know that by now.
But I roar it into the sky anyway.
5
Emmy
“It doesn’t matter.”
Carla follows me over to the dishwasher, confusion knitting her brows together. “But I don’t understand.”
You and me both.
Slamming the door closed, I turn to her. “He walked me home, Carla. He was being kind. There’s nothing else to say. I probably won’t even see him again.”
There’s a lot more that Icouldsay. A lot of it, I already whisper-yelled in the safety of my apartment this morning, right after watching Ben walk away from me without looking back.
This is why we don’t take risks, Emmy.
We certainly don’t dance in the rain with dark-eyed men before inviting them back to our apartment.
I must have lost my damn mind.
I swallow down the pain in my throat. I wasn’t imagining it. I know I wasn’t.
You can’t fake that kind of connection.
Or maybe you’re just seeing things. Wouldn’t be the first time.
