I can’t keep her here like this. She can’t live like that, but how can I send her back? How can I make her go back to the one place she hates and never wanted to be a part of again?
I stand and walk over, squatting down next to her. I reach over and brush her hair away from her face.
“River? Do you want to go home?”
“Home,” she repeats, but doesn’t say another word.
“I can take you home. They can get you help that I can’t.”
“Home,” she whispers once more. I glance over at Jeremy, unsure what to do here.
“Are you good with letting her go?”
“Fuck no, but what can I do? I can’t get her the help that she needs,” I tell him.
“I know, Royal. I know.”
“Then what the hell do I do?” I tug at my hair as I look at her. There’s nothing more than a shell of the girl I met that first day. She isn’t my River. Not right now, and after what happened, I don’t know if she ever will be. Maybe she’s ruined now.
“She can’t go on like this.” Jeremy says the one thing I’ve been thinking. I shove myself up and nod my head, agreeing with him. She has to go back. She has to go to the people who can care for her, but at what cost to her? To me? Can I stand to lose her?
“Borrow a car,” I tell him before moving toward her. I bend down and lift her in my arms, cradling her to my chest. Jeremy stands and leaves us alone as I drop into the chair and hold her against me. She doesn’t say anything, just stares off into the distance.
“I’m going to make this right. I’m going to get you help, River.”
“Royal?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared to close my eyes,” she whispers. My heart breaks in my chest knowing this is all my fault. Fuck! Why did I walk away from her? I’ll never forgive myself for this.
“I know what you saw scared you. I know what I did scared you, but River, you’re going to be okay. I’m going to get you help,”I tell her. She shakes her head slowly but doesn’t say anything else. The fact that she’s scared is enough to rip me apart inside. My chest feels like it’s been shredded, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I keep River tucked into me until Jeremy comes back. He opens the door and steps in, nodding his head.
I stand up and carry River out of the hotel and out to the car. Climbing in the back seat, I keep her in my arms.
“Where to?” Jeremy asks.
“The hospital.”
“Royal, you think that’s a good idea?”
“It’s the best thing for her, don’t you think?” He looks at me in the rearview and slowly nods his head.
“Yeah.”
“Then let’s go there. They won’t question me too much when I take her in.”
“Are you sure? This all seems so fucked up,” he says.
“It is fucked up. You think I want to do this? You think I want to let her go? I fucking don’t! But I can’t help her, Jeremy. I know I can’t.” He nods and shifts the car into drive before we take off toward the hospital.
It doesn’t take long, and I wish the ride were longer. I wanted more time with her. I wanted to hold onto her a little more.
Jeremy pulls up at the doors, and I sit here debating this. Is it the right thing to do? Leaving her here? Maybe I’m a coward, but I can’t help her. I know I can’t.
I sigh before I climb out of the car with her still in my arms and carry her inside.
