“Can I ask you something?”
“What’s up?” Alli declares quietly, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Why did you assume that I cared about Trace’s arrival? At the bar, you broke the news to me as if you knew it would mean something to me.”
I wait with bated breath, watching her eyes move back and forth between mine as she forms her answer.
“Seren told me,” she says and my heart thuds at the mention of her name.
“Seren told you what?” I lower my eyes, asking for clarification because the idea of Seren being aware of my rendezvous with Trace is not something I want to conclude. But how the fuck would she know?
“Seren was the one who told me that you two had been seeing each other. Or at least she suspected it.”
I look from Alli to the floor, confusion expanding in my brain. No. There’s no way. Seren didn’t know anything about Trace and I. I made pretty fucking sure. For a year, I made Trace swear his silence until we were ready. For a year, I denied Trace’s desire to go public. For a fucking year, I thought about the effect that my relationship with Trace would have on Seren. I refuse to believe that she knew anything.
That would mean it was all for nothing.
But more importantly, why does Alli seem to know more about our friend, my best friend, than me? And how come Alli was the vessel to Seren’s secrets, when Seren barely told me anything it seems like?
“I didn’t know that Seren knew,” I admit to Alli. It’s of no use now trying to deny it or trying to hide it any further. “Did she seem mad about it?” I ask.
Alli shrugs her shoulders. “I honestly couldn’t tell if she was. She just kind of said it.I think Olivia and Trace are fucking. She said it so calmly and it wascompletely out of nowhere too. I honestly didn’t know what she expected me to say so we just moved on.”
Well, now I know that Seren didn’t really know for sure what she assumed, because Trace and I didn’t have sex until…
Regardless, she had suspicions and I wonder why she never confronted me on them. Why the fuck was I doing everything I could to hide my happiness from my best friend when my best friend seemingly already knew?
“If I’m being completely honest, I understand why you wouldn’t want to tell anyone, especially Ser,” Alli says while looking at me, kicking her feet at the ground.
“You do?” My heart blooms with a little bit of hope for validation in my reason for not telling Seren. The longer Trace and I were meeting in secret, the more I started to feel guilty and started to think that maybe it was ridiculous to assume she’d be mad at me for it.
“Yeah, girl. I would have been worried about upsetting her too, even if it seemed silly. Seren could be scary at times. I…” Alli trails off and my curiosity grows. I can tell there’s something more she wants to say but changes her mind. And as much as I would love to hear what she has to say, I decide not to press her on it. We’re all entitled to keeping secrets. And I’m not sure I can handle taking on anymore.
I start to feel my anxiety levels spike. It’s too much for one night. Between the memories of Deck and I resurfacing, Trace’s vindictive encounter, and finding out that my best friend knew I was seeing her brother all along on top of trying to discern who I can and cannot trust . . . I need a time out.
“I think I’m going to call it a night,” I say, feigning a yawn. I need to get my head back on straight. My mind is racing a million miles per minute and I need to regain some clarity. A nice shower and night of sleep might do the trick.
“What? No, the movie is about to start.” Disappointment bleeds from her tone as she nods her head behind her to gesture over to where everyone else is.
I won’t lie, scary movies are my favorite. Even if I have to watch them alone. But right now doesn’t seem like the right time to let my guard down.
“I just have a bit of a headache. I think the smoke probably got to my head,” I lie, and I know she can sense it.
“Okay, well let me go say bye to Banks and I’ll just come with you,” she says as she takes a step closer to me, but I stop her with my hand out toward her chest.
“You don’t have to do that, Al. You’re fine to stay, I just need some rest and I’ll be okay.” I shrug my shoulders while still maintaining sincerity in my tone. “You shouldn’t miss out on the full experience, anyway. You wanted to come and now you’re here so enjoy it.” I try my best to remain positive even though I sense danger in the air. I don’t want to push my concerns onto my friend when I could just be over analyzing everything.
I see Alli’s eyes swirl with something a little less confident as she closes the space between us and lowers her voice.
“Can I tell you something before you go?” she asks, and curiosity weaves into my brain
“What’s up?”
“The truth is, I was terrified to come up here. Still kind of am, actually. Even despite how sure I mighthave presented myself to you the other day.” She sighs, and I wait for her to continue. “Knowing what happened up here, it affected me. Still does, ya know. I mean, I know I can’t have possibly experienced what you did, even if you can’t remember, but knowing that I could have been up here that night kind of haunted me. Wondering if I could have done something to help or if I could have stopped that fucking monster from…” she trails off, her words broken by a tormented tone. “Or if I could have just helped you remember.”
I dip my head, guilt pummeling me. I don’t hear many people talk about that night and I always assumed it was because they moved on from it a lot quicker than I had. Or because they didn’t want to talk about it in front of me because I can’t remember. Or maybe they’re hiding something. Maybe all of them are; maybe they all know something I don’t. But hearing Alli talk about the repressed feelings she’s kept in makes me realize that everyone truly does handle things differently. That maybe not everyone knows how to talk about it or wants to. Not everyone is tied to that night; maybe they had no relationship with the four that died. And I’m just fixated on it because I am tied to that night and only have the memories my brain is allowing me to remember.
I look to Alli who is now looking up at the sky, snowflakes falling over her face and landing in her hair.
