I pause, remembering what I'd seen just moments before, but when I look back out into the distance,he'sgone, and I don't miss the way I wish he was still watching.
But I turn my attention back to Jen, not bothering to spare him the anger that I feel right now.
"What part ofdon't sneak up on peopledid you not fucking hear the first time? What is wrong with you?" I can't even stand to look at him as I step over the log angrily to start marching back down the path, not even concerned if I'm going the right way or not. I need to get away from him.
"I'm sorry, Liv. It was only meant to-"
"I don't give a fuck, Jensen!" I turn my head to yell at him. I can’t recall a time I’ve actually ever raised my voice at him, so I know the look on his face is partly in horror mixed with confusion.
"I told you not to do it, and yet you did it again." I'm furious. Maybe because I'm on edge on top of everything else right now.
Sure, maybe if the circumstances were different, this could have been a good laugh to have. But fuck that. He should know that now is not the time or place to be—seemingly on purpose—trying to scare me to death. He has to understand that.
"Come on, Liv." He tries to defend himself while following behind me. "Just wait asecond."
I don't say a word as I travel between the trees to find my way back to Alli and the others. For the first time in my life, I want to be around other people. Anyone other than the only person I’ve really allowed into my life these last few years. Jensen has never handled me with anything more than slight overprotection, eager proximity, and pure understanding, but this . . . I know that I can’t pretend any longer knowing that his disregard for my boundaries seems to be a joke to him—even if it’s never happened before.
"Olivia," he pleads, and I can't find it in me to even care about his desperate attempt to stop me. Am I overreacting? Maybe. But I refuse to feel invalidated.
"No, I-" I can feel it coming up like a thick lava. I’m going to snap and it’s not going to be pretty.
"I'm sorry. Let's just move on and head to the lanterns together. I promise I won't do it again." I hear the sincerity in his voice, but it just sounds pathetic to me. The damage is done.
He reaches out to grip my elbow, forcing me to turn and face him and that's when I decide that I can't hold it back anymore.
"I can't!" I say with gritted teeth, clenching my jaw to prevent myself from really ripping into him.
"You can't?" His question is accompanied by the concern in his tone and normally, I'd feel regret by making Jensen feel worried, but there's too much going on in my head and I just want to remove myself from the stress ofthisobligation.
"Yeah, I can't do this anymore," I say in a biting tone. It's hard because he's looking at me like he always does, and I know that I'm about to ruin that. “You need to let me go, Jensen. You need to move on,”
I can feel the way his body shifts at my words, his demeanor changing when he realizes what I'm really trying to say.
"Me?" He points to his chest.
"Yes. You keep hovering. You keep treating me like your girlfriend. I don’t want to be your girlfriend, Jensen. I amnotyour girlfriend and I need you to leave me alone." His shoulders drop at my words and I can see the sadness take over his expression.
"Liv, I wasn't thinking when I jumped out at you. I just- I heard you coming back and I . . . I mean, I don't think that this should be reason enough to end our relationship." He takes a step toward me and I take a step back. I can hear the panic in his tone, and there’s a glimmer of fear—maybe annoyance—in his eyes.
“Our relationship ended weeks ago. You just refuse to accept it.”
I take a deep breath and lower my head, not wanting to look at him. This is my fault. I let him have parts of me that no one else has had because I needed to erasehim. Because Jen has been the most consistent thing from that night. But I did the right thing, it took me a while but I did and now, he has to accept it.
I bring my head back up to look at him only to find that his eyes have switched from concern and pain to something more alarming.
"Wait a second…" He looks up at me. "Is this because ofhim?"
"What are you-"
"You know, I've heard the same thing everyone else has, Olivia. He's back and I didn’t want to believe it when I heard that he's looking for you. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The timing ofour breakup, and the way you’ve been acting." Jensen's words sound bitter and almost jealous. But I don't have time to address them properly because my lungs feel like they're collapsing in my chest all while my body starts to light with the flame of those words.
Looking for you.
Even if that is true, I wouldn’t know why. But it would truly explain the feeling of being watched, at least the recent times I've noticed.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I try to display cluelessness to his accusation, partially because I am clueless.
He’s looking for me?How the hell would Jen or anyone else know that? And why would he think that I care?
