“You don’t have to, Melanie.”
“I do.” She pushed at my chest again, and my arms only tightened more. “I can’t tell you that I love you. I can’t give you my heart like that.”
A sob broke from her. My arms gave way for only a second and she took it to break free from my grasp. She whipped away a stray tear that fell down her cheek.
“You can at least give me something. Anything. You don’t have to say the words but at least fucking acknowledge mine.”
“I can’t do that, Jack.”
I shook my head, not accepting what she was saying.
“Why the fuck not?” My words came out as a shout and she jumped in front of me. The room was becoming toxic and I so badly wanted to make this all right but nothing that was coming from Melanie’s mouth made any sense. This was a woman who loved and cared with her whole heart but clearly not when it came to me.
“Stop yelling, Jack.”
“Fine,” I spat my word at her, “but just fucking tell me how you feel, Melanie. That’s all I need. I just laid my heart on the line and it’s like you don’t even fucking care.”
“I can’t care, Jack.”
“The fuck?” I ran a hand over my face and then through my hair. “What the fuck does that mean, Melanie?”
“It means I can’t allow myself to care. I can’t allow myself to love you.”
I stared her down, the watery eyes from before leaking finally but the look of sadness from before was gone. Melanie had a stone-cold face, like nothing I said was going to faze her.
“I know it’s only been a month, Melanie, but after all we’ve gone through, you find now the right time to tell me this. To tell me you can’t love me or care for me. Bullshit. I think I know exactly what it is, Melanie. It’s that youwon’tallow yourself to love me, not can’t.”
I shifted on my feet and she still said nothing to me.
Melanie looked down at the ground, the confidence I had seen before completely gone, then her head rose slowly, with a purpose.
“I have a daughter to think about, Jack,” her words were calculated. She was hiding behind Amelia and I wasn’t going to let her. Not after we’d all become a family because that’s exactly what we’d been doing this last week: becoming a family.
“Don’t pretend that this is about Amelia. Don’t do that.” I scoffed at her, trying to take a step forward but Melanie took another step back. “You don’t get to bring her up in this, like she’s some shield that you can hide behind. I didn’t just fall in love with you, Melanie, I fell in love with that little girl.”
“No.” She marched up to me, finally removing the space that was between us, and poked a finger into my chest. “You don’t get to have feelings for her.”
I grabbed her hand and held it between us, the first contact we’d made since the argument stopped. I thought it’d be calm, having her hand in my hand but it only fueled me because my body was reacting to her. It wanted to hold her, make this all stop and that’s clearly not what was happening right now.
I stooped my head, getting in her line of sight.
“Well, I did. I love that little girl, just as much as I fucking love you. Don’t you see that, Melanie? You guys are a package deal. I can’t have one without the other and I don’t want to. I want you both.”
I leaned in, pressing my forehead against her, so that our breath mingled and another tear slipped down her face. I let out a sigh but the pain in my chest only deepened. I wanted to release my own tears of frustration but I needed to be the strong one here while Melanie broke down.
“Fuck, Melanie,” my words were soft this time. One of us needed to end this, so that we could go back to our night and so that we could go back to making our future together, even if she didn’t acknowledge my feelings for her. I could live with that if it meant she stayed here with me.
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She pulled away from me again, the tension having simmered in the room. “You’re right.”
She shrugged and I waited for her to continue as she whipped the tears away from her face. There were no longer sadness in her eyes but an emotion that I couldn’t quite get a grasp on.
“You deserve to know how I feel, Jack but that’s the issue. I can’t tell you how I feel because I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to tell you that I’m scared about all of this, about loving someone again, about losing someone I love again. I’m scared you’ll die, too.”
“Melanie,” my voice was pained. A lump formed in my throat, threatening tears to break free.
I wanted her to know what I felt but in that, I pushed her to a darkness that she had even told me she never wanted to go to. She never wanted to feel that kind of fear of loss again and here I was bringing it up.
