“A little over a yearnow.”
“A year?!” I let the plate fall from my hand, smashing it against the ground. Shards graze the tops of my feet. I would have aftermath wounds, and I knew that in a few days I would still see the cuts, still see the reminder of today. It almost seemed like a metaphor for our marriage, but it was the reality of how my heart was shattering in front of the man I thought Iloved.
“Adam. How did this happen?” Tears were forming in my eyesnow.
“It happened, truthfully, because I wanted itto.”
I was taken aback by his answer. He let it happen. He wanted it to happen. The man I had spent years loving wanted someone else to be there forhim.
“I don’t understand,Adam.”
“You changed. You changed a lot.” His scrunched eyebrows relaxed, and his mouth pursed, like he was finally admitting what was truly bothering him. I didn’t understand what he meant, though. “You started a blog. You started writing again. You started becoming involved with this group of people and I didn’t have any idea who they were. Youchanged.”
“How?” How someone could change in front of their loved one and them not know was confusing to me. I looked Adam up and down and realized that he had changed in front of me and I hadn’t even seenit.
“You became different. You didn’t want to be there for me anymore. You wanted your ownhappiness.”
“Is that so wrong? I thought that’s what a marriage was. We each want the other to be happy, live theirdreams.”
“That’s the thing, Alexa. I wasn’t happy anymore, and I needed to be. Natalie made me happy. She was there; she dropped everything for me.” He took a step closer to me, and I stepped back. “This move was a test, Alexa. I thought that you would let me have this. I thought that you could be there for me, be proud of me. But instead, you got ajob.”
I didn’t understand what hemeant.
“Of course I got a job. We neededmoney.”
“I was going to make more money than we had ever had. I was going to make enough for this house andmore.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” I grabbed another plate out of the box and threw it across the lawn. I didn’t care if I was destroying their things. They were destroying the life I had made with Adam. “You didn’t tell me anything about this new job you got. All I knew was that we were moving, and I knew I wanted you to be happy, to have the job that youwanted.”
“That’s great, but then you went and got apromotion.”
No. Not this again. “You got the job you wanted!” I was screaming at him now. “Why couldn’t I have the job Iwanted?!”
“That wasn’t the point here, Alexa!” He threw his hands in the air. “You didn’t pass thetest!”
“What if I had passed your crazy test, Adam? What then? What if I hadn’t gotten a job and wasn’t the model wife?” I tried to take deep breaths between screams, but my rage kept getting stronger, and when all I heard was silence, I became scared. Adam said it was a test, but by the blank look on his face I knew the answer instantly. He would have never left her. He just didn’t want me to leave him. He just couldn’t give me up, and that made my skin crawl. “You created this fucking test, Adam, but what about what I wanted in life? You’ve had this crazy shit going on for a damnyear!”
His retaliation started again. Our voices rising higher and higher. I didn’t care if anyone heard our screaming match, because this was the first time we were having this kind of conversation. One where we actually said what we felt and didn’t hold anythingback.
“But what about what I wanted?!” He tried again to justify all of this. He thought he was in theright.
“But what about me?!” I threw another plate onto the ground, surprising Adam. He jumped back a little to avoid the shattered pieces. “We’ve always done what youwanted.”
“Don’t even. You were the one to always make thedecisions.”
“No, I wasn’t, Adam! I never got the wedding I wanted, the car I wanted, chose what clothes I wanted to wear. I never got anything that I wanted. Everything that we’ve had together has been a compromise for you.Everything.”
“Because that’s how it should be. I’m the one who has been providing for us, so I’m the one who should be getting what they want, and I’mnot!”
“Adam.” The tears streamed from my eyes. “I don’t know what you want. I thought I was giving you everything youwanted.”
“But you couldn’t! You can’t! Natalie can give me a family!” It was then that I knew what this was reallyabout.
“Adam…” Afamily. I tried to not let out the sob that was threateningescape.
“No.” His face darkened. “You can’t give me the one true thing I want in life, and that’s afamily.
“Adam, don’t do this. Don’t make it about that.” The sob broke free. Tears poured down my face. As much as he hurt, so did I, but he clearly couldn’t see that. I wanted a family just as much as hedid.
